Authentically Speaking

2012

2011-12-30T23:16:00.001-05:00

My resolution is short and sweet...To Thine Own Self Be TRUE! Authenticity and nothing less. GodSpeed.

So....a lot has changed

2011-12-25T17:27:00.001-05:00

I am engaged to a wonderful man. In my 2nd year of sobriety. I now have 3 grand babies....still do not have contact other than rare texts with my daughter. But my God is working it out. The promises of AA always materialize if we work for them....and work for them I will! One day at a time!!

For My Missing Grandson.....Where are you Joey?

2011-02-20T15:38:00.006-05:00

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Dena

2010-10-01T17:57:00.003-04:00

Last night my friend Dena lost the battle that she raged against lung cancer.

I pray for peace for her family and her husband.

Rest peaceful dear friend. I will see you in Heaven....

Behind The Blindfold

2010-09-20T21:41:00.004-04:00

What is it that would make a beautiful young lady compromise herself by attaching herself to someone who everyone knows is no good? A liar. A sluggard. A felon.

What is it that would cause someone to continuously walk in denial?

What is it that would allow the systematic isolation on a loved one from the family that loves them?

What is it?

Love? Infatuation? Drugs? Lonliness?

She is someones daughter. She is someones grand-daughter. She is someones mommy.

To My Grandbaby...

2010-09-19T13:48:00.004-04:00

I just want you to know little guy that "Mimi" is here. I am praying for you and your mommy. I know that you must be sad and scared and confused at the way things are right now....but if I could tell you one thing and have it sink deep into your little 2 1/2 year old heart....it's that "Jesus Loves You" and He will make all things right in His time.

I am fighting to protect you and get you safe.

Love,

Mimi

2010-06-27T18:50:00.006-04:00

Ok. So wow!!

Changes. Some welcome. Some by complete surprise. Where do I start?

You know I have been thinking about my ex-fiance alot this week. Funny how things just always come back around for me. I wrote alot about him here on these pages. Things remembered are two things that he said that really wounded me. I thought that I had gotten past those words but for some reason those words have been brought to the forefront of my memory by some really cool turn of events.

There is an old saying that 'sticks and stones and break my bones but words can never hurt me'. I don't think that anything could be further from the truth.

Things said. Words said. Personal things.

Like my body reminded him of a 'burn victim' because I had so much extra skin. Look you CANNOT lose over 200lbs and NOT have extra skin.

And that I needed to fix my jacked up teeth. Not an easy task without dental insurance!

You know....it seemed to me then and to me now that if someone is in love with you they will love all of you and not point out the dents and scratches.

Well, here's how life has come around to touch on these things.......

I work for a dentist. And in the past year that dentist has put over $32K into my mouth and my smile. I have the most amazing teeth I could have ever dreamed of having. It changes my whole face. My whole smile is different. Just doing the work on my teeth has impacted me. I love to smile. I love to laugh out loud. And I don't feel like I have to hide part of my mouth. There were parts of me that came to life with this dental reconstruction.

The 'burn victim' part?? After having gastric bypass surgery, I developed a hernia. And as a result of this hernia the surgeon has decided and pushed for the removal of my skin and a TUMMY TUCK!!!! All of it is covered by my insurance. Amazing stuff. I go in the hospital on Tuesday for reconstuction.

So, as you can see.....I have been really amazed that life and God has been so good to me. Changes that I could not have anticipated or hoped for and YO.....here I am in the middle of being transformed.

On a community level. I have watched some of the closest kids in my life graduate high school this month. Man! Gotta tell you that this can make a girl feel old. These kids are heading on to college and the military. They are looking forward to what their next move is. I cannot remember doing this. I am so very proud of my 'adopted' kids. Every one of them.

I have also taken my college entrance exam last week. I scored pretty decently. I only have to do math for pre-reqs.

So by the time I hit 46 which is in July....I will have a new belly. A new mouth. And a new path to walk by going back to school. Life is interesting!

Fresh Stuff

2010-05-03T23:12:00.002-04:00

Danm but it's been a really long time since I have been back here.

I have so much to say and I think that I just may make the time to do just that....but not today.

For now, I will just start with the fact that both my girls and my grandson are back home.

I am in a new home.
Have a brand new smile.
New job....actually....everything is pretty much new in my life since I spewed here last.

It's not always easy....but it's mine. And I'm working it. JUST FOR TODAY!!

It's really cool to find you again my dear old friend the blog page that I love so much.....

See Ya!!!!

2009-01-01T17:04:00.002-05:00

Yes!! I made it!

Made it through last year!

Glory upon glory.

Line upon line.

Here's to 2009 and all it may bring.

KFC And Settling Dust

2008-12-28T19:16:00.004-05:00

What an interesting year this has been for me. THE year of many changes is almost over. Thankfully, I am not expecting much else to change except that perhaps I will finally get another job or get called back to work. Let's keep hoping.

I am ready for a year of settling. I know that I emotionally need for all the dust to finally settle that has been so stirred up over the past year. I have always said that change is good. That change keeps me creative. Keeps me from getting stagnant. Yeah it sure does all that and more.

Sitting with my kids this Christmas Eve eating our traditional Kentucky Fried Chicken meal as we have done for the past 17 years or so.....I got so misty. Sitting there eating that chicken with my 3 grown children and my 8 mo old grandson just really got me to thinking that in this next year so much can happen. My kids are adults now. I pray that they will move on and find their own way. The pathway that the Father has for them. And I got to thinking that THIS Christmas Eve could very well be the last 'family'...'core family' thing that we ever have.

There will be son-in-laws, and eventually a daughter-in-law, more grand babies, and possible deployments. There will be many turns in the roads that my kids will travel. Roads that may lead them away from that traditional KFC thing that we cling to on Christmas Eve. And do you know what?? It will be alright. I know that no matter where they go or who they are with that that silly meal of KFC will always be a part of them and of "US" that we made. I know that they too will take that tradition with them and perhaps make it a part of their lives away from home.

It may sound oh so silly to get so emotionally over a bucket of chicken...but hey, a mom is a strange creature at times. I am no different. Thanks Colonel!!!

Ode To Addiction

2008-12-16T15:50:00.001-05:00

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I heard this song recently and all I could think of was addiction.
Who will watch over you??

Looks Pretty Good On Paper

2008-12-02T11:26:00.002-05:00

I have sent about 50 resumes out since in a month. It is CUT THROAT out there guys. I can barely remember the last time I heard of anyone being laid off. It just was unheard of. Now I know of at least 7 people in my circle that are out of work. Lots of people are just trying to make it.

Here is a kick in the pants: Did you know that unemployment pays about 33% of your former net pay?? That is insane. Insane to try to cover all the bills with that. It just doesn't stretch that far....

Anyway. In putting my resume together I realized that hey, I have alot of skills. Alot of stuff that is marketable. So now I am thinking outside the box and looking in places for work that I never thought would work for me. And ya know what??

I look pretty darn good on paper!! God is good. AND faithful. He will sustain. And when that job comes that is mine.....I'm jumping on it!!!

What A Beautiful Place To Be

2008-11-20T10:21:00.003-05:00

I have been going to my meetings. Back to step "1". And I have to say that I have gotten a whole lot of serenity. Peace with where I'm at. And my life in this season. JUST FOR TODAY.

It is a beautiful place for me to be. God is good.

Syncro-Blog: Leadership & Being A Single Mom

2008-11-03T22:15:00.004-05:00

This is my virgin run at a syncro-blog but I figured that because of the topic: LEADERSHIP, it was one that I could not pass up. I started writing this with an agenda. I mean look at this. It is November 4th. The election is in full tilt and coming to an end. Millions of voters are casting their votes for the candidate that they want to win. They are exercising their rights as Americans to elect and have a say. They are casting their votes with the HOPE that their guy will win. I am hoping that my guy wins. But either way, whoever wins, I will pray for them. And I will hope. And I will expect.

And that is where this post will go. When I think of leadership, the first thing that comes to my mind is Hope. Then Expectation. Moving on from there is Responsibility. And on to Accountability.

In any leadership capacity whether it be in politics. Church. Corporate America. Or family. Where there is a leader. …there is Hope and Expectation. Healthy leadership should also be responsible and accountable.

In my blogs and on my pages I write about me and how my life is played out. How I process. How I think. Mistakes I make. What I feel. Today is no different.

I have had a lot of experience with leadership. Both with being led and being the leader.

In my life. I am the leader. I am the mom and the dad. I have had to pull up the edges. Carry the weight. Make the money stretch. Be the nurturer. Be the disciplinarian. I have both sides of the coin.

Now that my kids are older. My twins turn 18 next month. I have had to come to terms with things that I did and didn’t do. I have had to swallow mistakes made. Victories won. Hurdles jumped. Bridges crossed….some of them burned. I have had to take off the rose colored glasses that occasionally find their way back onto my face. And then look at where I am and where I am not. I also have to look at where my family is. And part of this inventory is seeing where I have fallen short.

I think I have gotten some things wrong.

In researching this topic. Mulling it over. I have seen that the kind of leadership I expect from those around me….I don’t always model.

***You cannot be a good leader unless you are a good follower***

I think of being a good follower and I gotta admit that I am rebellious. I push back hard and often. Humility isn’t exactly one of my greatest assets. Or strengths. I second guess. I look for a motive. And I expect much. Sometimes my heavy weight expectations exceed my light weight willingness to chip in.

**The best way to lead is to lead by example**

When I think of leading by example…I am a pretty crappy example at times. My kids see me at my very worst. They see the….. raving witch with no makeup…before my first cup of coffee….oh my God I’m late….where are my car keys….how am I going to cover this bill… will someone PLEASE get the phone…..Jack the dog don’t jump on my clean jeans….I don’t want to do another day of this….turn that TV down…..ME. Sometimes my example mirrors Rosanne Barr rather than Christ.

I have taken the responsibility and worn it well. Although at times I have become irresponsible. I have taken the word of God and the life that I should be leading to glorify Him and treaded very heavily and without regard to the effects of my foot steps in the eyes of my children. They have seen me overeat until I weighed over 400+ lbs. They have seen me binge drink and drunk. They have seen me lie to cover my mistakes or buy more time. They have heard me my take my Lord’s name in vain. They notice when I ignore the sin in their own lives instead of confronting it. They have seen the ugly. The sinner in me.

The accountability lies in my conscious and the conviction of the Holy Spirit within when taking this inventory. The accountability also lies with my children and the harm that I have caused. The stumbling blocks that I have placed for them by my example. That is a very hard thing to look at indeed. Taking an inventory of mistakes made by me in the leadership role of my family is downright devastating. I’m so glad that there is an answer and a light that shines in the tunnel of regret and shame.

That is HOPE. Hope that there is grace for me. And for the effects that I have passed on down the line to them. My gifts from God. My children. The HOPE that my sin and my ugly is covered under the blood of the Divine One. That there is hope for my kids to become BETTER than I was. Hope for them to learn from my mistakes. Hope that propels them to want to do things different and better than I did. HOPE that there is a new day tomorrow.

So there. I had intended to write about the role of leadership in politics. But GOD always has a say in my writing. He always has a way of bringing it back to me. Where it starts. The family is where good leaders are shaped and raised up. The leader of the family is there to spot and nurture the qualities and bends that shape who the children are to become. To help them fulfill their call. I may not have always done the right thing. Made the right choice. Covered all the bases. But I’d like to believe and hope that there is someone bigger than my stuff out there that can cover the bases that I missed. Jesus.

Here is a partial list of other bloggers that took part on this topic. The opinions and forums of which they wrote is as vast as the subject: Leadership. Take a look at what others had to say.

Jonathan Brink - Letter To The President
Adam Gonnerman - Aspiring to the Episcopate
Kai - Leadership - Is Servant Leadership a Broken Model?
Sally Coleman - In the world but not of it- servant leadership for the 21st Century Church
Alan Knox - Submission is given not taken
Joe Miller - Elders Lead a Healthy Family: The Future
Cobus van Wyngaard - Empowering leadership
Steve Hayes - Servant leadership
Geoff Matheson - Leadership
John Smulo - Australian Leadership Lessons
Helen Mildenhall - Leadership
Tyler Savage - Moral Leadership - Is it what we need?
Bryan Riley - Leading is to Listen and Obey
Susan Barnes - Give someone else a turn!
Liz Dyer - A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Polls…
Lionel Woods - Why Diverse Leadership is Good for America
Julie Clawson - Leadership Expectations
Ellen Haroutunian - A New Kind Of Leadership
Matt Stone - Converting Leadership
Steve Bradley - Lording or Leading?
Adam Myers - Two types of Leadership
Bethany Stedman - A Leadership Mosaic
Kathy Escobar - I’m Pretty Sure This Book Won’t Make It On The Bestseller List
Fuzzy Orthodoxy - Self Leadership
Sonja Andrews - Leadership In An Age of Cholera

It's Happening To ME!!

2008-10-27T08:56:00.003-04:00

I got a phone call yesterday from my boss's wife. She said that Friday they are closing the office due to the state of ruin in the construction trade.

I work for a concrete contractor.

In short. I am being laid off.

My GOD what am I going to do now?

Random Thoughts On A Friday

2008-10-24T08:27:00.004-04:00

The only thing wearing black doesn't pick up is men and money.....

There are two kinds of people, those who light up a room when they walk in....
and those who light up a room when the walk out!

What is it about road kill that makes you have to look at it when you drive by
and try to figure out what h*ll it WAS??

Killed For Being The Hands Of Christ....

2008-10-22T10:34:00.003-04:00

Taliban gunmen killed a Christian aid worker, Gayle Williams, 34, in Kabul on Monday, and the militant group said it targeted the woman because she was spreading her religion.

The dual South African-British national worked with handicapped Afghans and was killed in the western part of Kabul as she was walking to work around 8 a.m., officials said.
The gunmen, who were on a motorbike, shot the woman in the body and leg with a pistol, said Interior Ministry spokesman Zemeri Bashary.

The Taliban claimed responsibility for the slaying.

"This woman came to Afghanistan to teach Christianity to the people of Afghanistan," militant spokesman Zabiullah Mujahid told The Associated Press. "Our (leaders) issued a decree to kill this woman. This morning our people killed her in Kabul."

"She was a person who always loved the Afghans and was dedicated to serving those who are disabled," it said.
The group describes itself as a Christian charity registered in Britain. The Web site says it has been working with Afghan refugees since 1980 in Pakistan.

"SERVE Afghanistan's purpose is to express God's love and bring hope by serving the people of Afghanistan, especially the needy, as we seek to address personal, social and environmental needs," the site says.

Rina Vamberende, a spokeswoman for SERVE in Kabul, said the group is a Christian organization "but they are definitely not expressing this on purpose. They are here to do NGO (aid) work."

"It's not the case that they preach, not at all," she said.

Can someone tell me why this isn't talked about more? I have heard it said that there are more martyrs today than any other time in the history of the church. This woman was giving love and care to a nation and a people that were not her own. And what makes this so obscene to me is the attitude of those that killed her.

Free Coffee, Rainbow Bright, & Being A M.I.L.F.

2008-10-22T08:24:00.003-04:00

I have come to the awareness that I have a strange life. Just when I think that I am just about to fall on my face broken....someone in my life reaches out and grabs ahold of me one way or another. The last couple of weeks have really been some tough days for me. Dealing with disappointment. Hurt feelings. Expecations that will never be met. Yesterday started my upswing outta da pit...

First, I have a 1 1/2 hr commute in the morning and my one coffee stop is the same WaWa day in and day out. It's really cool when you get up to the counter and you find out that this really handsome guy already paid for my cup and left before I could thank him. What a guy!! That just helped me to walk a little taller. Smile knowing that there are still really nice guys out there.

Then I pick up my daughter from a friends house later that night after another 1 1/2 hr commute and she pops in a CD that was burned just for me by my Rainbow Bright. Rainbow Bright is one of the most amazing young men I have ever known. Sweet. Beautiful. Loving. Weird. As a matter of fact his weirdness is one of the reasons that I call him Rainbow Bright and one of the reasons that I just adore this young man. He has a different facet to look at every time I see him. And there has never been a side that I have seen that is icky or unwanted. Raised by a single mom in the Marines this guy is some kind of special. So I rode home listening to my special CD and knowing that I am loved by this kid enough for him to pick songs just for me to enjoy. And WOW. Great stuff. Only Rainbow Bright would pack Cher, Jewel, Sixpence, The McDonalds song and a tune from West Side Story. Gotta love this kid!!

Then another friend of mine, Calli M stopped by and reminded me that I am a M.I.L.F. I just said "M aren't you gay?"...."yeah, he said...but if I weren't"......sometimes strange is a very good thing in my life. I don't think that I'd want it any other way.

I am so amazingly blessed. I posted a song below that came directly off of Rainbow Bright's burned CD to me. Who can listen to this song and NOT feel empowered???
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Officially Fall

2008-10-20T16:49:00.003-04:00

It is officially Autumn.

The Homecoming football game was Friday which we WON!!

The Homecoming Dance was Saturday night.

My daughter Bekkah looked AMAZING!!!

Sunday afternoon was spent at the Pumpkin Farm!!

My grandson's very first trip to the Pumpkin Farm.

Sliced granny smith's with hot caramel sauce. Hot apple cider. The smell of burning leaves wafting through the air.

God I love this time of year.

64 SHOPPING DAYS until Christmas!! By the way....did you hear that K-Mart was re-instituting their 'Lay -A - Way' plan. Says something about the economy eh?

Santa will be on a very tight budget this year.

Fighting The Fires At Home....

2008-10-14T15:09:00.003-04:00

I got bad news last week from my sons high school. He will not graduate this year. He is missing 3 credits and even if he takes summer school next June, it will not be enough. I am devastated. My mommy heart broken. My twins were supposed to do this together. Together.

I don't know how this got past me or slipped through my fingers. The guidance counselor didn't catch it either. I feel like I have let my son down. So much has gone on in the past year that for whatever reason....I let this get by me.

Seeing my son give up on trying is the worse part for me. He is a math genius. He loves numbers. He wanted to get his PhD in Mathematics. I'm grieving. For him and me.

After working with the guidance office and with my son, we decided to let him take the test to get his GED. I think it is the only way that he will be able to salvage what is left of his self esteem and his future. He can still go to school. Helping him to find options through my loss, through my pain, through my feelings of failure has not been easy. Lifting him up when I feel like my own arms are broken feels futile at best.

Looking back at my life for the last 5 years.....I realize that there are several things that I have had to come to terms with.

1) That my job as a single mom is one of fighting fires. I fight those huge blazes pretty well, but when I focus on them and try to stop the damage and the flames from devastating my family... the smoldering little fires continue to burn and destroy. But I cannot focus on them. I have all my attention on the blaze in front of me.

2) I fight these fires alone. There is no one by my side. I know...I know...God is there. But I sure could use someone else with a hose to stand beside me. Someone to get my back. Someone to close in on the little fires. I need relief.

3) I am not a hero. I never claimed to be. I cannot even save myself. I cannot save my son. Or my daughters. Or my grandson.

4) There is always a Plan B. I don't think that it is the perfect plan. But a plan is a plan is a plan. Now we work it.

5) My life has evolved into a life of letting go. Letting go of dreams. Letting go of relationships. Letting go of what I want. Letting go of what little was left of trying to parent by myself.

And now, like a fire fighter I must go and sift through the ashes and find out why this fire started. How it ignited. And how I can rebuild what has been toasted. It is going to be a dirty job.

Abba Mommy.....Abba Daddy

2008-10-14T08:16:00.005-04:00

Pam over at How God Messed Up My Religion had a great post Sunday with and interview she did with William Young the author of The Shack. That post led me back to Porpoise Diving Life and a post that they did about the feminine side of God. Erin from Decompressing Faith also contributed on this subject. I just had to process through and offer my cup on what I believe encompasses the gender identity of God.

Because I just finished reading The Shack this subject is very fresh for me. In the book Papa (aka God) appears to Mack as an African American woman. God does this He tells Mack, because God had to break through Mack's preconceived ideas about God and Macks religiousness. Papa had to cut through Mack's head to get to his heart. Sounds like a mom there.

And later on in the book Papa appears as a man...."because you will need a father for this part". Indicating to me that a different essence of God is needed. Father strength is needed. Physical and emotional and mental.

What I believe is that Papa knows what me need. When we need it. He meets us where He knows He needs to. He provides. This is mercy.

I am not altogether certain that God has a gender.

He is love. He said, I AM.

Another thing that struck me as profound in this book was Papa's explanation as to why the 'father' role is so pivotal to a broken creation. The role of father is broken. From sin. From the fall. I can only speak for myself in this. Because of my own relationship with my father. A very broken tattered relationship....I could not accept the Father's love for me. I had no concept. I just couldn't go there with my heart. I went to Jesus. Then the Father met me there. In the book, Mack's relationship with his abusive birth father was restored. This father piece is huge for us. It's huge for this broken bride and broken world. Restoration is the cry of the Father's heart.

I truly believe that God is the mother and the father. He created them both. Male and Female. In HIS image. I think to go through this relationship with God and never experience the fullness of both leaves a void in the intimacy of that relationship. It's not whole.

People get offended when they hear that God has feminine qualities. But that is where this gets messy. Feminine is a word that implies soft. Weak. It is man's perception of the word feminine that creates the roadblock. Not Gods willingness to express.

The Shack

2008-10-13T16:51:00.004-04:00

Ok. So I have finally purchased my copy of The Shack by William Paul Young. I cracked it yesterday and finished it today. I'm glad it was a slow day at my office. There is just so much to digest in this book.

The first thing that I keep coming back to is this exchange:

"Jesus?" he whispered as his voice choked. "I feel so lost."

A hand reached out and squeezed his, and didn't let go.

"I know, Mack. But it's not true. I am with you and I'm not lost. I'm sorry it feels that way, but hear me clearly. You are not lost."

And there it is. The deepest cry of my heart in my life right now. I FEEL so lost. And inside I choke back the sobs that grip my heart. Trying to find that hand that I need to be squeezing mine. I have some real deep sorting going on. I think I have gotten some stuff mixed up with my humanness.

Outside The Box.....

2008-10-08T16:06:00.004-04:00

There has been so much talk about the recent surge in this elections escalation of campaign smear tactics that to go there on my blog seems silly so I'll skip it for now. But about the debate last night??

But I do want to process about my kids. My kids and politics. My kids have opinions. My kids watched the debate last night with me. And the really really cool part of that whole process is that we actually discussed it all the way to school. A whole 30 minute ride with no music blaring from the car stereo. No Ipods plugged into 17 yr old ears. No noses stuck in books. Just really cool adult conversation between me and my twins who are almost 18 yrs old.

And I think what is so strange about all this is that I have always tried to encourage my kids to think for themselves. And they DO!! Cool huh?? And come to find out....they are pretty conservative kids. With pretty conservative thoughts. And pretty conservative opinions. Wow.

What concerns my kids the most in this election? It ain't health care. It ain't protecting the borders. It ain't education. It's making sure that our military service personnel are taken care of over there in Iraq or Pakistan. That is the concern. What will happen to them? What will happen to those people if we leave too soon?

These kids are also pretty free thinkers when it comes to establishing justice and freedom for those who have none. Blessed are the peacemakers. They are also strongly concerned about the state of the environment and the damage that the whole world is doing....not just us here in the US. But the whole world. My kids are thinking global!! Double wow!!

My kids are thinking outside the box and about others. I just gotta tell you that it's really cool for me the mom to see this. I guess it's because for me the mom, I see the totally self indulgent, self entitlement, and the hands out of my kids. They are a product of this world no matter how hard I tried to teach them otherwise. They are selfish. Self absorbed. All about me kind of young adults. And to see them thinking outside the box of Bekkah and Zech...well, it's just cool for me.

I don't know who will become the next President of the United States. Time will tell. But I really feel good about the way that my kids have positioned themselves to THINK things through. They don't just swallow what is handed to them...ever. So in the next election my kids will vote. They will walk forward. Cast their lots. And I will know...really KNOW that they have really thought their vote through and cast that lot with full knowledge of what they are doing with full conviction of heart.

Gee, that feels really good.

Dena Update

2008-10-08T13:52:00.003-04:00

My beautiful friend Dena is still fighting her battle with lung cancer.

Dena was scheduled to begin her 4th round of chemo this week but could not because her blood count is not cooperating.

Please remember Dena in your prayers.

She is a tough cookie and a fighter for sure.

Dena has a LifeLine link on my page where you can leave her a message.

She has asked that you pray for her. Thank you friends...

Because I CAN!

2008-10-08T08:48:00.001-04:00

Just for this morning...I'm perplexed by situations and circumstances. It's a MYSTERY to me. And it makes it harder and harder to breathe.

It's A Kiss Kind Of Day

2008-10-06T16:46:00.004-04:00

JUST for today....I am having some food issues. I want to cram all of the Hershey Kisses I can into my mouth and let them melt slowly. I want to pack my cheeks so full of these things that I look like a chipmunk.

JUST for today....

Waiting For The Debate

2008-10-02T11:23:00.003-04:00

I can never remember a time in my life when I was so in to politics. Is this a getting older thing?

Tonite is the Biden *V* Palin Debate. I will pop some corn and bust out the soda and me and the kids have a TV Date to enjoy this much anticipated event.

My twins will do reports on this for their government class. What a moment for America that this election with bring a first no matter who wins. A black president or a woman vice president. This election has gotten my kids interested in the issues and they discuss them and they argue them. It's so cool that all these years I have taught my kids to think for themselves and now I get to watch them do it and defend their opinions. Good stuff!!!

Celebrate Recovery

2008-10-02T09:07:00.006-04:00

If you haven't heard about a program called Celebrate Recovery go here and listen. This is the only Christ centered recovery program in my area and it may well be the only Christ centered program available in your area. Celebrate Recovery is used world wide and there are weekly meetings in every state. The link for resources and meetings is below.

Celebrate Recovery is based on the Beatitudes from the sermon on the mount. It was started by John Baker who is a Pastor serving with Pastor Rick Warren at Saddleback Church.

The program also utilizes the 12 Steps.

After listening to the "What is Celebrate Recovery" link above and you decide that this may be something that you would like to investigate further, you can visit the the Celebrate Recovery Website and see if there is a local meeting in your area.

Standing On My Head

2008-09-30T13:05:00.006-04:00

Taken From The Al-Anon ODAT:

Just for today I can try out new behavior. I can take the point of view that perhaps I have been given a lifetime to learn something about myself. Maybe life is a series of experiments in which some succeed and some fail. And in which the successes and the failures point the way to fresh experiments.

Just for today, I might try slightly changing some pattern of behavior that repeatedly causes me problems, just to see what happens. For example, if I have a habit of responding with a negative attitude to a particular person or situation-getting out of bed, working, requests for help, authority figures-I can try a different more positive response. I can think of it as research and learn from whatever happens.

**Suppose for today when I start lamenting about what is to become of me and my job and my family, that I take that thought captive and surrender it to the providence of God**

This day is all I have to work with. The past is gone and tomorrow is out of my reach. I will try to remember what a great gift this day can be and make full use of it.

Just for today I will look for ways to enjoy life-stop by a garden, try a new hobby, or call a good friend. I can look for humor. I can savor love. I can explore something new. Maybe just for today, I'll try standing on my head to see if I like the view.

**Suppose today instead of grieving for a husband and a helpmate that I relish and relax in the fact that singleness isn't so bad and that He has a purpose for me in my state of singleness**

Just for today.....I'm gonna try this and see how it feels to be doing a head stand.

Beauty From Pain

2008-09-29T08:24:00.003-04:00

I was asked Friday afternoon to give my testimony at a women's conference the following day. I was a little freaked out because I couldn't find my testimony on disk or hard drive or paper! I almost didn't do it because I wasn't prepared. Then the voice came "be prepared in season and out of season"...and so I relied on HIM to do the work.

You know something really cool happens when I get out of the way. HE put the whole thing together from start to finish and it was better than my pre-planned way.

My testimony centers around my incest and broken marriages and food addiction. And that was all in there but this time HE wanted something different. He wanted me to focus on the healed relationship of THE Father and the daughter. This is one area that I never really can grasp the full scope of work that He has done in my heart and my life. It is just awesome. And at this conference the theme was 'healing'....wow how cool is God!!??

There are so many broken women saints of God out there. Still bruised and broken. And what is so cool about all this is that He can use me. He had his own agenda on Saturday. I am so honored to have been a small part of that. To give hope. Hope. So many broken women. Wounded by fathers, step fathers. That to give to them what the Father has done for me and tell them that HE WANTS to do that for them......it is humbling and tremendous to be a part of that. Moreover though is that beautiful piece that HE wants to be the Daddy. The Father. The Papa.

I use the song below in my testimony and it never ceases to amaze me when the Holy Spirit moves. Heart are touched. Hearts surrender. It is posted below. If you have never heard the song, "Beauty From Pain" by Superchick give it a listen and hear the hope.

Thank you Father for using me.

Promptly

2008-09-26T08:15:00.005-04:00

Promptly is defined as:

1. Being on time; punctual.
2. Carried out or performed without delay.

Step 10 says: We continued to take a personal inventory

and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

I don't like this word. Promptly. And it has become very clear of late that I don't act promptly. I REACT promptly. But I don't ACT promptly. Given all the conflict and amends that I have been wading through lately I have come face to face with the fact that I would rather wait it out. Let it slide. Hide behind the slogan "live and let live" or "this too shall pass". I bury my little turtle head in the sand and hope that it will all go away. It doesn't of course. It festers and stirs and blocks my way eventually with bitterness and resentment.

It is a cowards way of dealing with conflict. Conflict with me usually arrives when my feelings get hurt or bruised. And the way I see it is that if I PROMPTLY get honest with my feelings then the conflict if any will be minimal. It can be worked out quickly. And the clean up may only require a paper towel rather than a demolition team.

So this season of conflict and resolution that seems to have engulfed me is for my benefit like it or not. If I am to mature and keep growing not only in my recovery but in my walk with the Master...then I must be able to resolve issues right away. With a minimum of fear. I can't help but to think about all the time and energy of my life that has been wasted on running from healing even while seeking it at the same time.

From what I have learned from this season is that I need to get real. Get honest. Get quick about it. And get brave with me. And take hold of resolution so that I can be free to move into the next season.

Promptly. I still don't like this word. But the definition is becoming very clear and purposeful to me today.

The Super

2008-09-25T14:50:00.005-04:00

Today I got word that one of the Supers on my jobsite drove to the top of the Bay Bridge and parked his car and jumped. He was one of the kindest gentlest men that I had to deal with. He was only 27 yrs old. He left behind a wife and 3 sons under the age of 5. They have not found his body yet. The state of MD installed 20 cameras along the Bay Bridge last year as a security measure and to deter jumpers. The cameras didn't save my Super.

I have posted this post several times and come back to it and added and edited and changed it. I deleted it too and now I am reposting. Suicide is such a tough subject to tackle. There are opinions and thoughts and views that just me and of myself had me all over the board today. The bottom line for me on this is that it is just so deeply sad. The loss of a good man. A fine Super. A great daddy and husband. A good friend. I cannot even begin to pick this apart and speculate what caused this to happen. All I can really write about is the effect is has on me.

I have to evaluate me. Where I am. I can't say for myself that I have never thought about suicide. I have. I have at times entertained ways to get me out of my pain and hopelessness. To just make it all stop. I am not there today. Just for today.

Please pray for this young wife and mother left behind to carry the load of a family alone. Pray that she has the strength and support system around her to help her sons deal with the loss of thier daddy. Pray for provision.

Update: After speaking with a mutual friend I found out that this man had been prescribed a medication that induced sever suicidal thoughts. He went back to his physician 2x's in 2 weeks to get it corrected to no avail. I have never heard of anyone having this problem with medication. It makes this event all the more tragic and incomprehendable.

Vertical Must Come First

2008-09-24T08:17:00.005-04:00

I wrote yesterday about the vertical and horizontal relationship work that has been going on in my life. This horizontal stuff is tough especially when it involves pain and conflict that needs to be worked through.

Last night on my way home from meeting with a friend God showed me a pretty cool thing about the cross.

He showed me that the VERTICAL (our relationship with Him) beam must be there to support the HORIZONTAL (our relationships with others) beam. It was a pretty profound moment for me because I give Him all the credit for restoring that relationship between me and Him. It had to be stripped down, deconstructed, and then reconstructed from the bottom up before I could attempt to repair any other relationship in my life.

Kathy wrote on a syncroblog this month about Spiritual Maturity you can read it here. I think there is alot to be said for working through conflict with maturity. Spiritual maturity is walking by faith not by sight. I for one believe this also means walking by FACT and not FEELING. I usually do walk by feelings. I think that HE is showing me that there is something much deeper and richer when I reach for that maturity and pick up my cross and follow His lead especially where relationships are involved. Jesus was all about relationships and He still is.

So there it is....for today that is my focus. That main support beam that ALL the rest hinges on.

Three Things

2008-09-23T15:25:00.007-04:00

Happy tagged me in a meme:

I have NEVER done this before so this is interesting. I don't know how to do this but this is my attempt....

Three Joys:
My 3 kids and my grandson and Jack my dog.
Good wine.
Long drives with Dave Matthews blaring on the car stereo.

Three Fears:
Snakes.
Not being accepted.
Not being able to support my family.

Three Goals:
Go back to school in January.
Get married.
Buy a house.

Three Current Obsessions:
Figuring out how to link back!!!
Getting my kids to graduate high school this year.
Keeping my budget.

Three Random Facts About Me:
I'm a Yankee by birth and Southerner by choice.
I hate watching TV.
I love to dance anytime, anywhere, to anything.

Normal everyday mom stuff aside from the Dave Matthews thing....His lyrics rock my world! Now I am supposed to tag someone else....hhhhmmmm. I'm gonna skip this part until I know how to do it. LOL.

Vertical & Horizontal

2008-09-23T08:21:00.007-04:00

This past month has been a really tough month for me emotionally. I have had so much conflict to work through. Conflict with myself and within myself. Conflict with those I am in fellowship with. Conflict with friends. Conflict has just been a type of theme in my life lately. It's a strange season for me to walk in and try to make peace in. I don't like conflict. Conflict for me is a super stretching of the center of who I am. It hurts. I usually run from it. Fast.

But walking through this place of discord I have come to the realization that God has done so much for me in the VERTICAL relationship between me and Him. Looking back at the vertical relationship I had with God....it was one of conflict. I blamed Him for my incest. I blamed Him for my messy marriage. I blamed Him for not making my husband a good man. I blamed Him for all my unhappiness. From childhood to adulthood.

My relationship with God was one of me

standing shaking my fist at HIM

When I started my recovery years ago, one of the very first things that HE had to do was strip away all the blame. It took a few years for this to happen. Then HE had to establish trust in a very broken heart. This also took time. Over the years I have cried out to Him. He has heard. I reached and He met my seeking hands. I fell and He picked me up. And looking back at this vertical relationship and the condition it was in and where it is now only serves to astound me as how much work and restoration HE has done in my life and with me. On a father loving daughter level. I am restored with Him.

The painful places that I have been taken lately all have to do with the HORIZONTAL relationships in my life. The sideways stuff. This is some hard work. The relationships include my kids. My mom. My Church family. My friends. All horizontal relationships. Some merit more time than others. Some cost me more energy. Some make me cry out of frustration. Some just make me curl up in a ball and weep. Some just piss me off. But the true thing about this horizontal relationship stuff that it is all a reflection of where I am in my recovery and where HE is in my life.

Working on the Horizontal stuff brings me into a season where I have to take an inventory daily of what my part is in each conflict. Own it. Sometimes that means that I have to rip off scabs and the guts go back on the table for all to see. It is brass tacks vulnerability. And it hurts. It is terrifying at times. But I must walk here. If I am to be complete in my recovery. If I am to be whole and able to function in season and out of season....then I must go forward. No matter how painful the process. Because I know that HE knows what I need. HE knows where my weak spots are and HE knows how they must be restored. HE knows the end result. It requires that VERTICAL trust that has already established to be firmly in place for me to keep walking through this difficult season.

It reminds me of the steps. The steps are all about this VERTICAL and HORIZONTAL thing called life and relationships. THIS is a pretty cool thing for me to discover about the steps. And it kind of gives me a benchmark as to where my step work has returned. HORIZONTALLY.

I don't like it. I usually don't like the painful seasons He brings me through. But I know that He promised that I will not be here alone and that just like summer turning into fall... this season will pass and change into the next. It is what I have learned and what He has restored that matters.

My life verse has always been Phillippians 1:6....being confident that HE that began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it until the day of Christ Jesus. I will never be done until HE sees fit. I am a work in progress. Now it is my season of horizontal healing and work to be done.

It's Icky!!

2008-09-22T08:33:00.007-04:00

Sometimes Relationships Are Just Icky!!

Missing Pieces Of Me.....

2008-09-16T13:46:00.004-04:00

As I make my way thru the conflict that is before me. One thought comes to my mind alot. Would this conflict be as great if I had had a father model before me growing up? I had a wonderful step father. He provided for me. Kept a roof over my head and offered stability. But there was no input offered to my mom as far as parenting. He never put his hands into the mix with me. Never really offered guidance either. Words of wisdom. No. And he never corrected me. I adore my step dad. I shudder to think what would have become of me and my mom had he not entered into my life.

But I also wonder, would I have had such a hard time dealing with authoritative figures had I had the strong male role modeled in my home as a child. As a teen. As a young woman? I find myself with places that still need to be filled within my heart. Places that I am sure a father would have filled. I am sure it is what THE Father designed. But it is amiss inside of me. I am seeking to have that restored. I don't know how that will come to pass. But it is painful to feel and painful to know that it is missing.

The one piece of advice my birth father gave me was:
"Never do anything that cannot be undone".....

And I come back to that alot.

Sometimes, a girl just needs her dad. This is one of those times.

Thru The Lookng Glass

2008-09-15T08:44:00.004-04:00

Recently I have been weeding my way thru alot of conflict. Conflict over my job. Conflict over my schedule. Drive time. Money. Conflict with my teens over who rides "shot-gun". Most of these things I have some control over. As mom I can decide where the money goes or doesn't go. Who rides "shot-gun" when. Where I work and if I continue to hang on to what is left of my job.

But the most recent conflict that I have had to go thru has been within. One of the key cornerstones of my whole recovery walk has been to try to wade thru the feelings. For me feelings are never hard to find or figure out. I am so in touch with my feelings that at times they can steer me. Propel me in the wrong direction. Taint reality. Make me react in ways that are not appropriate to the situation. I may not show it on the outside but on the inside the reaction is under way.

The hardest thing for me to do is to establish if these are feelings or facts. If I feel rejected does that mean that I am being rejected? If I feel abandoned does that mean that I am being abandonded? If I feel like I am being pushed away does that mean that I am being pushed away or are my feelings so close to the top that the slightest waft of negativity brings about the shadows of the past. The rejection. The fear. The pain. The lonliness? A recent stuggle has reappeared in my life. A struggle that came to the surface earlier this year and I did not address it the recovery way. I picked up old tools of coping in the hopes that it would make it go away. That the pain would disappear. I worked thru the feelings but the conflict was never addressed. The feelings were not stuffed. They were shelved. Put in a jar with the lid tightly screwed in place and set high up on an emotional banking shelf. There they sat. Unaddressed. Until recently. That jar is now being placed back in my hands to examine. Address. And reconcile. Rejection. Not up to par. The feelings and the voices in my head tell me to RUN! RUN! Go away and be safe. RUN! Get outta there! Get away from the hurt. And here is the thing. I can run. Which is something that I don't do in the physical. BUT I do it in the emotional. I pack it up. Load the car and take off. Set my course for anyplace but where I am at that is causing the discomfort. I check out at the door. I emotionally distance myself from the conflict. I don't like conflict. I don't like anger. I don't like working it out.

CAN'T WE JUST ALL GET ALONG??

You'd think that with a marriage with a drug user. Twin teenagers. A messy life. And whose life isn't messy? You'd think that working thru conflict would be a simple thing for me. But is isn't. I want peace. I want serenity. I want to belong. I want to be accepted. I want to be needed. So when conflict comes my way it really does almost physically hurt me.

So with this season ( when did i step into this season?) of conflict. I have a choice. Actually several choices. A choice with each conflict that arises. Do I work thru the feelings. Get honest. Work toward resolution? Get to the reality of the situation? Find the facts and reason. Do some more reparenting? Or do I go on my emotion? Living one day at a time on feelings?

I guess that it is time for me to confront my fear and walk forward. Otherwise this stuff just resurfaces again and again. I have to choose to open the jar. Open the wound. Examine the original pain. And work towards restoration. I can't do that if I am constantly ducking and running for cover. I have to trust that God knows what He is doing in my life and that He will work all this out. I just have to be able to keep walking and not chicken out. I have to see this thru and see what the next season will be. Feelings or facts.

I sure hope it is one that has alot less baggage.

May We Always Remember

2008-09-11T11:13:00.003-04:00

To the men and women to risked everything to save those who needed them.

To the families of those who lost loved ones, moms, dads, sisters, brothers, children, we honor you for your pain and your loss.

May the scar heal and fade with time, know that your country grieves with you still.

Manila

2008-09-10T15:51:00.003-04:00

MANILA, Philippines — Police say poverty apparently has driven a jobless woman in the Philippines to kill her three young children and herself by getting them to drink toilet cleaner before she also took some.
Senior Superintendent Raul Sandoval says the children, aged from 2 to 4, died before reaching a hospital, while their 32-year-old mother died while being treated.
He says the woman, Janeth Ponce, left a suicide note in her one-room shack in northern Laguna province's Magdalena township. She asked relatives to forgive her and care for her 7-year-old son who was sleeping in his grandmother's house at the time of the incident.
Police say her husband, a construction worker in Manila, had not sent money for a month.
One third of 90 million Filipinos lives below the poverty line of $1 a day.

I know that as a single mom I cringe when another bill comes in. I have no health insurance for me or the kids. My hours have been cut and that reduces my paycheck. Each week is an adventure in creative money make do's.

But this....this tore my heart out. I CANNOT imagine despair as great as this woman must have felt to cause her to take the life of her own children and herself. Father I am so fortunate to know that tonite my kids will eat dinner. They will have clean water to drink. They are safe and provided for.

My Senior Twins...Rebekkah & Zechariah

2008-09-10T11:57:00.002-04:00

FYI....

2008-09-09T16:30:00.005-04:00

Today I started my own private journal online.

It stinks that I have to once again HIDE my stuff for the sake of safety.

I am back to keeping secrets.
I will continue to blog about recovery and restoration.
I will not be silenced there.

Further Seems Forever

2008-09-09T12:15:00.002-04:00

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The guys in this band used to come to my house for breakfast when they were in town just starting out on thier way to stardom. One of the best celebrations we had together was when they got signed by Tooth and Nail Records. Way back when....when I did street ministry in Tampa. They were just kids from Pompano Beach then. Dreaming of making something happen for themselves and in ministry. Young men 17/18? They are grown men now. The are still making it happen for themselves and ministry. They are daddies. Professionals. Artists. Free lancing for Christ.

I'm reminded today that HE moves in ways that we don't expect or anticipate. Thank you Father for that reminder that I am YOURS and LOVELY.

Biker Baby Strength

2008-09-05T08:16:00.006-04:00

I've taken some pretty big hits in the past 2 weeks. Emotional. Financial. Psychological. And the way I see it is that I have a choice. I can either sit in all these things and what they present to me. Stew. Sit in all the trauma. OR. I can get on with it. I know that if I sit in it. Try to process all this stuff out...I will go into a funk. I tend to be an over-thinker. As a matter of fact I've kinda been there in that funk for a few days now. I don't like it. Not at all.

Today on the way to work I was listening to a Cheryl Crowes greatest hits and the song below hit me staight on. It called to my "Biker Baby" roots. It made me remember who I am. REALLY who I am. I'm a fighter. Not a quitter. I have the ability to just make it thru whatever comes my way.

There are lyrics in the song that pretty much state my claim:

...."I ain't taking shit off no one baby that was yesterday"....

....and I was like WTF am I sitting in this stuff for?? Get on with it or it will get on with you. So as a tribute to that HUGE moment of clarity.....Here is that song:

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Pulling On The Reigns....

2008-09-04T15:59:00.007-04:00

I have recently discovered a shift going on inside my heart. One that I am not accustomed to feeling. Pulling back. Protecting myself. It isn't a punishing thing at all. Or pushing away of others. I would call it being careful with me....not everyone is....careful with me. I have never been one to do things half-assed. It's an all or nothing life for me. Sometimes that isn't always altogether healthy right? Right. So in light of me becoming aware of what is around me and stepping out of denial and my magical thinking la la land....I will let the shift occur. I am not doing anything to create or propel this shift. This change. It has happened quite all by itself. I will however pray that my head and my heart come into alignment. Then I will be able to Reason. Find Logic. Step Back. Reign The Heart In. Protection. Safe for now.

Hear Me Roar....Meow

2008-09-03T09:40:00.004-04:00

I usually don't go public with my support of any candidate but I just have to go there today!! I've been reading alot about what people have to say about Sarah Palin. Christian women. Un-churched women. And do you know what surprises me? What stokes my fire up is that this woman has come under fire because she is a woman with 5 kids! And now she is a up and coming grandma! I just gotta say that these women who are claiming that Palin's family will suffer because of her career choice need to get a clue! I AM A SINGLE MOM....and my children suffer....so do I! Not because of my career choice but because life is messy and life is hard.

Her opponent has young children and he is not under fire for his career choice. JFK had small children and he is hailed as Americas favorite president. Since when is it different if a WOMAN is a main player instead of a MAN?? Why is that? Sounds like sexism to me. Coming from women!!

This is woman who also has a special needs child. This is a woman who also has a husband and a full family to support her and that child. I just don't get it.

Then there was this comment: "She obviously is under stress because her 17 yr old daughter is unwed and pregnant! She should spend more time at home".....can you say reality check??!! Since when do stay at home mothers have more stable children. Sounds like judgementalism to me!! Why is that women are harder on women than men are??

I am just so surprised that by all the work that women have done to propel themselves and pave the way for future generations to go forward untethered and yet this type of prejudice still is prevalent and goes unchecked. We women have had to fight for every right we have and we shouldn't allow stupid biased women to put their fellow ladies down with pat phrases and bottled views. Shame on them! So much for burning bras and women suffrage! It was only within the last 115 years that we were even GRANTED the right to vote. I said it once and I'll say it again....shame on them!

I will support Palin due to her ability to run a city. A state. A family. And her potential ability to run a country if it comes to that. She is a tough cookie. She is a fine example of a strong woman. A family girl. And a great example for our girls!! She is a "DO-er not just a SAY-er"!! Super PROPS to you Sarah!

I for one will support this pair of running mates. I was voting for McCain to begin with just because I like his answers and his track record. Integrity. Long suffering. But this sweetens the deal for me. I'm all for it. I think it was wise for McCain to go unorthodox and with his gut. I think it's time for a change absolutely....but I think it isn't what the other guy wants you to think.

Protecting The Abuser

2008-09-02T14:00:00.000-04:00

Topic: Can you forgive yourself?

So many of us in recovery can accept God's forgiveness. We can forgive those who have hurt us. But why is it that victims of child abuse, sexual, physical, mental, emotional, incestuous abuse, have a hard time forgiving themselves.

It is a way that we further abuse ourselves. We are locked in guilt and shame.

It's also a way of protecting the abuser.

Sharing my story with another woman recently caused me to go back to that time in my recovery when I had to face my inner abused child. She was 4 years old. For years and years I believed somewhere in my heart that I was to blame. I caused it. There was something about me that asked for my incest to happen. I was too cute. I was too lovable. I was too trusting. I was somehow to blame for the abuse. I caused it.

In blaming my 'little girl' for somehow causing the incest to happen. I was protecting my abuser and deflecting any responsibility that they had for the abuse. It also kept me trapped in a cycle of being a victim.

The cornerstone of my healing from that abuse came when I was able to "rescue" my little girl from the hands of my abuser. I did this by first coming to the realization that a 4 year old little girl IS lovable. IS trusting. IS cute. IS innocent. She wants the touch of a daddy. A parent. She craves love...we were created this way. And when I started to notice other 4 year olds around me and how so very small and trusting they were. I started to see reality in a different way. I was able to embrace the wounded little girl still trapped in the cycle of abuse instead of blame her. I was able to set her free so healing, true, deep, wounded soul healing could begin.

Some of the things that I did to help me heal that broken wounded little girl inside was to write her letters. I wrote her poems. I got a picture of me when I was 4 yrs old and I framed it and I would talk to it. I would tell her over and over that it wasn't her fault. I started to somehow undo the damage to my heart and soul through words. It has taken step after step after step forward to get to the place where that little girl is no longer in pain. She is healed and free.

Deep emotional healing is possible. It hurts. But not as much as staying locked in a victim role.

My sponsee shared with me recently that she confronted her abusers. Her parents. No sexual abuse. Emotional. Verbal. She reacted and reacted and regressed every time her parents would visit. She would relapse. Become a victim. She was protecting her abusers by not making them accountable. When she confronted her abusers she just said this: I'm not afraid of you anymore. How powerful that fear is. And she was able to see the abuse as what it was. ABUSE. She didn't cause it. Didn't deserve it. And now she can go forward.

It's not always possible to confront our abusers. But I believe the greatest way that we protect them is with silence. We don't talk about it. We don't tell. We internalize somewhere inside us that we deserve it. Caused it. Made it happen. It is our fault.

I'm so proud of my sponsee for rocking that boat of family secrets. Now restoration can begin.

Regret & Loss

2008-09-02T08:22:00.009-04:00

Regret. Going into the pockets of my heart to expose the things of the past that cannot be changed is so very painful. Going into the "I wishes" and the "If only's" and "Had I knowns" is frightening and painful. For the past 8 years of my life I have really tried to live my life in such a manner as to not leave any regrets in my wake. I have really tried to live my life in the now making good choices so that when I am 80 or 90 I will not be looking back saying "I wonder how that would've turned out if.." or "I wish I had had the courage to.....". And for the most part I have done alright with that. But I have recently come across a few things tucked inside that need some attention.

About a year ago my mom shared with me that she had alot of regret. Funny how I never suspected that from my mom. My MOM had regret? It was a very deep dark time for her when she exposed that to me. She said she was going to let that go. Surrender it. Release it. So when I discovered that there was some regret lingering inside of me naturally I called mom. I love my mom. She shared with me that she hasn't been able to let it all go but that some of the regret has been addressed and changed into a positive force in her life. Relationships lost and damaged are now restored. Instances that were once viewed as failures have been readdressed and are now something that can be learned from. However painful they are to deal with.

Relationship regrets are what I struggle with. I saw A Relationship Person From The Past this weekend. He called to ask for some books back that he had given me. So he stopped over to my house to pick them up. He looked terrible. He was all defenses. All masked. It sucked to see him like that. But I expected nothing less. This is a man who was the one of the singlemost important relationships in my life for 13 years. I know him so very well. And I realized as he pulled out of the driveway that I missed him. I used to be able to talk to him about anything and everything. But he changed this year and became someone that cannot be safe for me. He cannot be a friend. I know that the regret hinges on the past relationship that we had. If I had only known that it would end this way...... If only we had stopped......... The I wish things had been different..... And the sad part about it is that this is a huge loss in my life. A tearing away. And it hurts very deeply. Not the today loss part of it. But the loss of what WAS. The friendship. The familar. The safe. The loss of a very deep very intimate relationship. I will never have that again with this person.

A friend of mine shared with me that she is also struggling with regret. The "what if's" are plaguing her. Funny how when we choose to do the 'right thing' there are so many regrets. How can we follow our heart when the word says that it is evil and deceitful? How can we make decisions based on logic when emotion holds none of that? I think that the older I get the more regret surfaces. As a woman this is usually centered around my heart. Around relationships lost or passed over. Choices made based on the "for the family" or " for the church" or "it's the right thing to do". That regret seeps into the fibre of who we are. And it rests there. Builds a home. And we carry it with us.

Life is risky. Relationships are risky. Day to day is risky. We try to make the best choices possible. I know that in order to move forward in my life I have to expose the regrets. Deal with the losses. To bring them to the light so that they can be healed. Removed. Changed. To benefit me. I'm not entirely sure how to do this. But I know that I will grieve. I will feel the loss. I also know that an element of letting this all go is to give it to the Master. To surrender the broken wants. The broken dreams. The broken heart. And let him do his thing with it. I know that I also have to trust that he will make all things right.

Beacuse I Can't Be There In Person....

2008-08-29T14:11:00.001-04:00

The Dance Of Love

2008-08-28T08:26:00.004-04:00

I've seen this video several times and each time I watch it the Holy Spirit just reaches in and grabs my heart. Watch it and tell me how it reaches you.

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What I see is the dance of love. She meets Jesus and they dance the dance of love. He wants to show her so much to give her so much. He marvels over her and his creation. She touches Him briefly.

Then life zooms in and chokes her back. Sex or lust or attention gets her focus first. Then enter seeking after money or security. Friends also take a toll. Alcohol or drugs or pornography or whatever addiction steals us away. Robs us of peace. Then prostitution. Selling ourselves out. Maybe not to the street but to pain. Desperation. Feelings. Pride. Then the act of cutting. Wounding ourselves on the outside to kill the pain on the inside. The separation from HIM.

And the whole time HE is there. Beckoning to us to come to him. He is waiting. He is watching the pain. Watching the brokenness. He cannot rescue us from that which we steep ourselves in. He waits. He watches. All the while reaching out. Calling out.

Then the final battle. To end it all. Suicide. She can't because she knows He is there. She just has to find her way back. But there is a fight. A spiritual fight and a fleshly battle. She is knocked down repeatedly trying to get back to SAFE. Just within reach she struggles to get back. And He is reaching for the hand that is seeking.

But He cannot interfere with this fight. It is hers. Not until she hits her knees can He step in. And he does. He takes the blows. He takes the hits again and again. Just like the nails that were driven into his hands and feet. Hit after hit.

And she is restored. The things of the world that tried to destroy and maim and kill are powerless over her. He lifts her to her feet. He brushes her off. He offers her freedom and awe once more. All things are new. Just like her. He marvels over HER.

And she is free. And they dance that dance of love. They dance.

Who Does She Think She Is??

2008-08-27T15:29:00.005-04:00

Kathy my friend with the carnival in her head wrote a magnificent post about women and the bondage that we fall under and into. Go here http://kathyescobar.com/2008/08/22/who-does-she-think-she-is/ to read this. It is a must read. And please follow her links to "SHE" and "Who Does She Think She Is?"..... just amazing what women are doing. Young and old women. Risking. Stepping out of the norm.

One of the things that I have written so much about lately is my level of fear and all the changes and shifts that keep occuring in my life. Sometimes all I can do is whisper 'Father be with me' and He is there. Desparate heart and mind scream inside of me...seeking hands reaching....wanting Him to just hold me...to make it ok. To make me safe.

After reading Kathy's post I came away empowered. I remembered that I am ok to be afraid. But I am also OK to risk. Risk always involves an element of fear. Always. Stepping out. Change is scary.

Erin (decompressing faith) and Pam (how god messed up my religeon) (you can follow the links at my sidebar to thier blogs. I haven't quite figured out how to link here yet so follow the links provided. Anyway Erin and Pam did the poem below and it is also posted on Kathy's post but it is worthy so worthy of posting here as well. The poem describes my TARA on the inside. I hope it touches you as much as it touches me. It's all about the risk.

the sinful woman at simon the pharisees house luke 7:36-50
she busted through the door

fell at this feet

desperate, searching, certain that He’d

give her something she craved.

peace. understanding. hope.

they scoffed. how could she?

how could He?

her type’s not welcome here.

this gathering, it’s for the together,the smart, the boys, the elite.

welcome or not, she knew she

had to get there.

to His feet.

to lay before Him

and offer her tears, her heart,

her thanks.

the sweet smell of perfume mixed with

her tears

filled the courtyard.

and the bystanders gaped.

you can’t do that. we’re talking

theology here

and you want to weep,

to fall all over yourself?

yes, He affirms. she gets it.

this is the theology He’s talking about.

she understands.

believes.

accepts.

doesn’t care if she’s misunderstood.

she knows He forgives.

He loves. He believes in her when

nobody else does.

and because of her past, all the mistakes,

raw and real.

because of her desperation,

her unwillingness to hide or pretend

because of her humility,her openness to healing.

she receives.

may i be like her,

unhindered byhuman-created norms,

breaking the rules.

causing heads to turn.

risking my pride.

seeking Truth,

willing to find Him at all costs.

- spring 2007

Relocating & Locating It All

2008-08-26T09:23:00.005-04:00

I moved this weekend. We started loading the U-Haul at around 6pm Friday night. We were done unloading the truck at my new place by 9:38 the same night! Phenominal I know. I am still quite blown away by it all. Moving is one of those things that people say "you know who your true friends are when you move"....yep. Guess that has some ring of truth to it. I never really knew that I had so many friends. I am still quite blown away. In all...I had 21 people (including my kids) descend upon my old house and move me to my new house. 21 people.

I had my church community. Some of these people I have had issues with in the past. But they were there for me and my kids. Church People and I don't do so well. Perhaps I could try to see them as part of my community? Rather than Church People? Perhaps I have segregated myself from them to a degree that goes beyond what it should be? Perhaps I have in the past expected far too much from them? I am being pinged on the head by the Holy Spirit over this one. I know that these Church People love me and my family. I have seen it with my eyes and felt it brush past my heart. They care. They were there. They still are. Now the women are bringing me dinner all this week to fill in the gaps of my life. Splendid. I am really honored beyond words by this gesture. It lightens my load. It is something that if I was asked if I wanted I would say no. It just seems like a pretty intimate and profoundly personal thing to do....

It is alot. Prepare the food. Deliver it. It is risky. And to have someone do that for me is....very intense. SO the Pastor told them not to ask me if I wanted this gift. He just said to 'do it' and they are and I am feeling the pangs. It feels kind of dependant of me. I am depending on them. That scares me. Feelings aren't facts.

Of the 21 people that helped me move were my friends Paul and Dena. I have written about Dena's battle with cancer this year. She was there moving me. How humbling is that? Dena completed her chemo and radiation recently and the scans say that the hot spots are down to a 3. Dena is losing her hair but she is still so very beautiful. She is lovely. I just have to say that this woman inspires me. Hands down more than anyone has in a very very long time.

The Camping Goddess was there with a horse trailor of all things. I just had to laugh out loud at the thought of all my stuff where horeses stand. Do you know how many boxes a horse trailor can hold?? As long as the weight limit isn't over 1000lbs the Camping Goddess says....it'll be fine.

Most of my 'adopted' kids were there to help me. I love these children that are not my own. How my heart misses them already. Although I know that this quiet time in my life is a season. It is much needed. I will miss the kids hanging out and hanging with me. But for a time...I need some down time. My life is gearing up for what is to come.

Now that I am upacked. Pictures and curtains are hung. I am not functioning on automatic. I am physically exhausted. Mentally plucked. Emotionally drianed. Spiritually tazered. So much to process. I push and push and push myself so that my kids have 'stable' around them. I will function on little sleep so that my house is HOME for them as quickly as possible. I have to do this. I lessens the trauma for them...and me. I need safe. It isn't safe when everything is in boxes and bags.

For me the greatest blessing of all this whole moving experience is that two of my friends called me after the move just to tell me that I am loved. One said "Tara, there is no one that I know that doesn't love you"..."everyone just LOVES you". And the Camping Goddess...she is a spiritualist type of carma stuff kind of gal....says.."Did you see that energy and love that you attract? Do you see what you bring to others? You created that love that was poured out?......

It's a mystery to me how someone like me could have such wonderful friends and lovers of my heart and soul. It's a mystery. I am beyond comprehending being valued like I have been. It really puts a spin and shoots the shit out of the tapes that play inside my head that 'no one loves me".....ya know what I mean??

Shifts and changes. This is not the last change to come. There are more on the way.

Denying Paternity

2008-08-25T15:44:00.006-04:00

So today we were at Family Court for child support for my granson Joe. The father has never seen Joe before. You would think that he would at least try to catch a glimpse of his beautiful son. But there was no effort.

When we went before the judge the case was withdrawn. Baby's Daddy is denying that he fathered my grandson. There will be DNA test ordered. This is an act of buying time.

My daughter was devastated. It killed me to see that happen to her. She came face to face with the man that abused her. The same man that tried to make her abort. And she was so strong. But then came his denial of his own son. And the devastation and broken heart of my daughter came to the surface.

As a mom trying to be there for her and Joe I felt so helpless. I couldn't change any of this. All there is to do now is pray that God will continue to hold both of them tightly in his hands.

There Will Always Be Music.....

2008-08-25T14:55:00.001-04:00

When there aren't enough words ....there is always music

Hand Of Providence & Comfort

2008-08-22T11:59:00.002-04:00

Father carry me thru this season. It hurts. I need your hand to sustain me. I need your shoulder to catch my tears. I need to know that the teens that I leave behind will remember your name that so freely flowed from my lips. Let them remember that you are there when I am not. Comfort my grieving heart as this new season of change comes and goes.

Season Of Uncertainty....More Changes

2008-08-22T09:45:00.009-04:00

I've written so much about the "YEAR OF CHANGES" that God promised me this year. As we know, God is not a liar. He doesn't pull our leg. He doesn't exaggerate. He doesn't just blow smoke.

I know that He told me that morsel for a reason. I guess to maybe prepare me for what would be seasons of change. Seasons that turn and morph and develop into something that I never anticipated or expected.

Change is that I am moving. New house. New county. New everything. This is a pretty profound shift. You see one of the things that I love about where I lived is the community around me. My kids have established friends. Established network. Solid people that are just a few doors down. MY house was where all the teenagers would gather to hang. My house will now be empty. Some of the most amazing things in my life in the past year have happened in my neighborhood. The amazing things that I speak of are the relationships that have been built. Orphans that need me and cling to the love I give them. Lonely teen girls that call ME mommy. Young men that seek out the cushies that I have to pour over them. I will miss these young people so much. MY GOD my heart is pierced. I am grieving. I feel as tho I am leaving my own kids behind me!! I sometimes wish I didn't have to love so deeply and feel so much!! My own teens will be moving to a new area where they know NO ONE. I will continue to drive them out of county so that they can graduate with their friends this year. But the sands under our feet are shifting. It feels very frightening.

The NEW house is lovely. Cedar siding. Beautiful inside. And almost $400 a month cheaper than my last rental. This is the reason for the move. I am trying to be wise and fore think. In the end....what matters is that I will be able to provide a roof over my head and my kids heads. And for a period of time....my single mom daughter and my 4 mth old grandson. My family is everything and I have to cover them. But I am tired.

Another change. My hours at work have been cut. My salary will be reduced by $200 a wk. I am the sole support of my entire family. Single mom. No support from Absent Father. I am scared. I know that my God has always taken care of us. He has never let us fall or be without shelter, food, or a job. The uncertainty that I am carrying feels like a huge elephant sitting on my chest. I cannot take in a full breath without feeling its weight crush me.

All I can do is trust that this will all work out. Every step I take feels like I am going to fall off the edge. I am SO DAMN TIRED OF DOING ALL THIS ALONE!! I'm tired.

How much really can I handle? I am being compressed from all sides. I feel like King David surrounded by his enemies. And all I can do is scream out to HIM that holds all this in His hands. All I can do is trust that the God that told me there were many changes coming is well in control of orchestrating them all without leaving me bleeding, broken, and bruised.

The Heart - The Tongue - And The Abundance Of Them Both

2008-08-21T09:38:00.006-04:00

I can't count the number of times that I have told my children..."You better check your heart"....meaning that they need to examine their motive for doing or wanting something.

Words like "Out of the abundance of the HEART the MOUTH speaks"...that's a good one to give to your raging PMSing teen age daughter!!

The truth is that the error isn't in the mouth or the tongue. It starts in the heart. The word is filled with scriptures that teach and correct and exhort us to be mindful of the tongue.

"There is power of life and death in the tongue"

James 3:3-4 (NLT) "We can make a large horse turn around and go wherever we want by means of a small bit in its mouth. And a tiny rudder makes a huge ship turn wherever the pilot wants it to go, even though the winds are strong."

Our mouth and words we speak. The words we throw. The words we spew are generated by the heart. The are formed in the secret place that no one sees. But the cool thing about all this is that the motive of the heart is always revealed eventually. Good or bad.

Sarcasm is a great tip off. If sarcasm is used often it tells me that there is unaddressed anger and bitterness that quite possibly is poisoning the heart. I was taught that SARCASM is a form of 'anger turned inward' which usually develops into depression. BUT if it is turned outward again it manifests itself as sarcasm. Something to think about. Do you know any really sarcastic people? If you are into analyzing things...think on this one! And then let me know what you come up with.

Joking and foolish talk is another clue into the heart. A fake smile. A way of hiding what is inside. A mask. A way of avoiding pain. A way to not address feelings that we don't think that matter to others. Or are afraid to risk sharing.

My kids can quote the above verses by heart and do often when they are talking to each other. Especially when one of them blows it. Get mouthy or disrespectful. Which for me is cool to watch as the mom that 'trained them up'.

BUT I wonder...perhaps I should have taken this further and challenged the heart of my kids. Not just addressed the tongue. Perhaps, I have taught them to hide that heart by leading them by my example. You know as a mom with twins graduating this year and a 24 yr old daughter hoping to FINALLY leave the nest....I wonder if I have truly prepared them for life 'out there'. I think that I have forgotten to give them a few tools for their toolboxes. Such as self examination. Lamenting over their path. Charting out where they are and where they want to be and HOW to get there.

I think I still have some work to do in the little time I have left with them under my roof......

For Erin....And Others

2008-08-20T13:50:00.004-04:00

This is me before weighing in at 425+.

And me after at 190. Thanks for the strokes!!

You know I look back at this "Tara" and all I see is pain. I see a lady that was drowning herself in fat. I am barely visable. My face is distorted. My heart wrecked. This is the direct result of 15 years of a very unhappy marriage. And years of emotional abuse.

I once was lost...but now I'm found....

Breakfast In OZ

2008-08-19T09:38:00.002-04:00

This is a post that I did last year and I have chose to repost it again today....because it is relvant to where I'm at....Just For Today!!

I had an interesting breakfast Saturday morning. I went to OZ. Not the actual OZ as in the Wizard, and Dorothy. There were no munchkins present. OZ is an old boyfriend that recently got in touch with me. I was so excited to see him. And by the way…he looks awesome…still!
As most of you know, I am working thru the 12 steps written out by Bill W of AA. I started this time around last January. This is NOT my first time thru the steps but I have to be honest here…it is my first time thru the steps for ME. My only motive was and is to clean out this vessel that I am and reach for MORE. More healthy behavior. More clarity of mind. More purpose. More serenity. More. Just more than what this life has handed me. I am tired of mediocre. Mediocrity sucks. So I am at the 11 step. Almost done.
The funny thing is….is that this time thru these steps I am really reaching for a pure heart. Reaching and striving for the true motives of my heart to be revealed. This isn’t always pretty to see. But, regardless if I like what is revealed, I better be ready to confront it and change it if possible. Right? So Upon reaching the part where I make amends to those that I have harmed…There is my ex husband (whom I haven’t addressed yet). My kids. Robert my ex boyfriend. Myself. And that was it…I thought. Until OZ got in touch with me.
You see in my life, I have developed a pattern of always reaching for men who are unavailable. I attract men that are not healthy for me one way or the other. I attract men that I have to rescue. NOT healthy for a co-dependent woman.
Background into OZ. I met him while I worked as a Corporal in dispatch at an ambulance company. He was and still is 8 yrs younger than me. OZ didn’t need to be rescued at all. At the time, OZ was one of the best EMT Cardiac techs on my crew. He was handsome. Owned his own house. Owned his own boat. His own cars. He was responsible. He was a Christian. He was a respected man among his peers. He had a great body and mind. He was kind. AND I was his girlfriend.
What happened is that I thought he was too good for me. I wasn’t good enough for him. I was going thru the process of a divorce. I had baggage. I had my tubes tied, so I knew I could never give him his own babies. I had debts. I had kids. I didn’t think that I could ever give him what he deserved. So I let the relationship go. I cried over this many many times. But it wasn’t until he got in touch with me that I realized the depth of my reasons as to why I broke off the relationship. I had to take that fearless moral inventory and that trip inside my heart. It didn’t feel good. I was running from him because I was sure that I would fuck up his life one way or the other. I didn’t want to do that at all. He was and is a good man. And at the time, I thought that there was no way that I could ever make him happy. So, I let him go thinking I was doing what was best for him. I changed jobs. I moved on with my life. A year after we broke up, OZ called me to take me out for lunch. He told me that he was getting married. At the time, I was in shock. I mean this is what I wanted for him right? Of course. I stuffed my feelings. I comforted myself with the belief that I did the right thing for him. He had found someone who could give him babies and a future. Someone his own age. Someone for him to love and be loved by. I went to his wedding. I danced at his reception. I was happy for him. His wife had gotten a good man. A solid man. His wife was lucky. I went home and cried some more. Knowing that I had surrendered one of the best men I had ever known. I had surrendered someone that I deeply loved and deeply respected. Still thinking that there was a better woman out there for him. Someone better than me. I was still convinced that I would have destroyed him.
I never saw OZ again. Every time I saw one of the ambulance’s drive by, I was looking for his face. I thought about him at various times of the year. And each time I did, I hoped and prayed that he was happy. I heard that he had a baby girl. This helped me know that I had walked away and he had walked into a role that every good man wants. Fatherhood.
Then, last week, 5 yrs later….OZ contacted me. I was ecstatic. I secretly hoped that his marriage had fallen apart. I hoped that he missed me. I hoped that somehow our relationship would resume. I was now ready for a good man. THIS was NOT the case. We met at a local bagel place. He still looked amazing. He told me I looked amazing (I had lost 100 lbs since I last saw him). He still has the most amazing little laugh and that drop dead smile. He was warm. He was interested in what I had to say. He also told me that he was HAPPY. He has 2 beautiful children. A boy and a girl who are the spitting image of him. He does the Mr. Mom thing when his wife works. I would expect nothing less from him than to be a totally devoted daddy. He is just a good man. That is who he is. I found out that his dad died. His dad was also a very good man. One of the warmest and most genuine men that I had ever met. OZ is now a PAL tech. There aren’t very many PAL certified techs around. He is certified to work on babies and children in 911 situations. He is a good man. With a good heart. He is also someone else’s husband.
OZ and I exchanged words from the heart. We told each other that we still think about each other at particular times over specific situations. These things belong to OZ:

**Super 80’s music.** Pumpkin patches and hay rides.** Ambulances of any shape or size or color.** Pontiac Firebirds.** Ferrets.** Painted toenails slipped inside silky stockings.** ***Whipped cream in a can.***

The regret that was tucked into those secret pockets of my heart have to be released.Funny how regret can be so hidden. So deeply tucked into the heart and mind that we don’t even realize it is there until something happens to come along to stroke it up. The regret is mine. The yearning for a good man is mine. I am ready for that now. I truly believe that with all my heart that I am ready and good enough for a good man. I deserve a good man.
So this is my attempt to make my amends to OZ. I want him to know how very proud I was to be his girlfriend. How very proud of him I am now. I am honored that he calls me friend. I am blessed that he still thinks that I am a good woman. He let me know with his words and his heart that I was worthy of his time and his attention on Saturday morning. I am honored that he values me.
Looking back is good to do at times. There are always those things like:

I wonder if we would have made it? I wonder what would’ve happened if??

I don’t know the answers. But I do know that we are both OK right where we are in life. And those two babies that call him daddy may have never came to be if I had tried to hold on. In the meantime, OZ has assured me that he will be on the lookout for any single men to hook me up with. I trust his judgement. Good men attract Good men. And that is what I want. Nothing less.

Preparing For Disappointment....The Sky Is Falling Chicken Little

2008-08-15T12:28:00.008-04:00

I was talking to Lady Mentor yesterday and I was able to share with her this huge Ball 'O Fear that I have been carrying around lately. I am not just talking about your everyday kind of fear. I am talking about the kind of fear that clouds everything in view. The kind of fear that taints the world. It is a free floating anxiety. In every area across every spectrum in my life. No cause that is in front of me that I can see and not an effect of something that exists. Just fear.

I couldn't wait to get to Lady Mentors office....I just needed safe and she is safe. As soon as I sat down I burst into tears. I was safe and I had to give away what was inside tormenting me. I was just scared.

We tried to nail down where it was coming from. What area is creating this fear?

As it turned out there isn't an area of my life that isn't filled with fear.

I try so hard to be strong. I try so hard to not react to the feelings inside. I try so hard to take the thoughts captive and surrender them. But there is no capturing these thoughts. I present myself as strong. I present myself as a survivor. I never lean on anyone. I have never been able to. So I suck it up....stuff my guts back inside and move on. Step by torturous step. Knowing that my kids are counting on me. Knowing that I am all they have. And I always feel like I am not enough. I am almost empty.

Someone asked me the other day "when was the last time you could RELY on someone??" and ya know for the life of me I couldn't remember a time when I ever could rely on anyone but me. I couldn't rely on my parents. My spouse. My boyfriends. My kids. My church. My pastor. The only thing that I have ever really relied on other than God was ME. And let me tell you....that is a pretty scary thought. To go thru life without being able to count on anyone other than me. I have felt all my life like I was alone. Alone carrying the weight of the world.

Getting back to Lady Mentor..... She said something to me that was one of the biggest truths I have ever heard spoken over me. Ya see I can discern and prophetically speak over others but myself?? No way. But when I hear God speak thru someone TO me I know it is for me. And here is what she said.....

"You Prepare For Disappointment"

And so I received that word spoken over me. Processed it all night. Cried several hours over it. I am now feeling it to my bones. At the very center of who I am. How is it that I can live my life preparing for disappointment? Where did it come from? There are so many lines to trace back. So many "tapes" to unwind with this one. I know that if I expect to be disappointed..then I am not completely caught off guard when the disappointment comes. It doesn't hurt as much. I doesn't cut as deep. I am not nearly destroyed as I would be if I had not expected it. But the question that I am wrestling with right now is this: IF I am preparing for the disappointment then am I setting myself up for failure? Do I have a natural propensity to expect failure of me and others? Am I just waiting to be hurt? Left behind? Abandoned? Tossed out? Thrown away?

But the one part of this that is most profound about the chewing of this truth is that I realized that if I am preparing for disappointment...then I am not truly living in today. Then I am anticipating failure. MY failure. My demise. I am trying to prevent pain and disappointment from touching me and my kids but as a result of that I am kind of shutting off and out some major stuff I think. I am not sure about this....but I believe that is how this is working in my life right now.

I am not enjoying the journey if I am in a constant state of hypervigilence. Waiting for the other shoe to drop. Processing that thought was difficult in a one hour time span with Lady Mentor. But we were able to nail down quite a few things in my life that are spinning out of MY control that would induce and propel this anxiety and fear of disappointment.....such as:

My finances and the potential for a layoff.

My relationship with my kids and did I do everything that I could to prepare them for life?

Child Support and the fact that the Absent Father is $24K behind.

Kids graduating high school this year and will they make it and THEN what?

My goal to go to nursing school, how will I pay for it? Will I be able to handle the schedule?

Will I always be single and alone?

What is to become of me????

The sky is falling Chicken Little.....

Bekkah' Eyes

2008-08-14T08:36:00.002-04:00

My daughter Bekkah has the most amazing ability to see things and capture them on film. She amazes me. This is a simple picture of a flower taken at the National Zoo. Bekkah was surrounded by all kinds of animals and she saw this and had to snap it.

All the zoo pics were posted below were taken by this amazing young woman I am proud to call my daughter.

While I was going thru the pics from the zoo, this is the one that made me stop and take a breath. I pray that Bekkah finds her place in the world...and that by this gift she has with photography she can make it a better place for us all!

Something Tells Me It's All Happening At The Zoo...I Do Believe It's True!

2008-08-14T08:07:00.015-04:00

Little Girl Restored

2008-08-08T09:23:00.007-04:00

Last night I came face to face with really how far I have come with my recovery and my walk with the Father.

To most victims of child abuse that occurs at the hands of their father....to have a relationship with the Father in heaven is unthinkable. Our view of the Father is tainted and distorted by the abuse that was perpetrated against us by the one that was supposed to love us, protect us, nurture us.

In my early recovery, I couldn't have a relationship with the Father. As a survivor of incest it just wouldn't come. I got caught up in thinking that He expected me to perform for him. That the Father would abandon me like my earthly father did. The Father was not touchable, attainable, and I feared Him. I certainly didn't or couldn't or wouldn't trust Him.

Giving my love to Jesus (my friend, my confidant, my comfort, my protector) is where the love of the Father was able to permeate into my heart. Jesus said that 'he who has seen me has seen the Father'......let that sink in. Jesus and the Father worked really hard at gently stripping away the layers of protection that I had developed to stay safe. They deconstructed me.....but I had to be willing. And because I trusted Jesus, the Father was able to work a really awesome miracle of restoration within my heart and soul and spirit. He healed the broken little girl that was still trapped by trauma. He was able to reach the broken little girl within me.

What do we have as our CORE message?? For me it was:

"No One Wants Me"...."I'm Not Good Enough"

But I have been restored. I have learned that I no longer have to win the approval of the Father.

I was able to give back a little of that same love that has been poured over me. My friend has young daughters. While watching these beautiful girls, I asked my friend "Could anything that they did, anything that they didn't do make you love them any more than you do right now?"

The tears flowed as she said...'oh no, they are perfect'. And I was able to speak to my friends wounded spirit when I said that the FATHER loves her in just that way. He celebrates us. He sees us as his little girl. He delights over us. And there is nothing that we can do or not do that will change that. Nothing. To let that truly seep into the very core of who we are as a person is a very powerful thing. It restores.

I am so glad that I can still crawl up on my daddy's lap. It is a comfort that I never knew in my earthly relationship with my father. BUT as an adult woman....to become HIS child is so sweet.

Sexual Fantasies & Intimacy

2008-08-06T14:53:00.013-04:00

Topic: Sexual Intimacy

A woman said: when me and my husband have sex, I have really been trying to NOT fantasize in my head that I am having sex with someone else. I have realized that when I do this it doesn't please God. And it is a really TOUGH thing to do! To stay present in the moment.

Now I gotta unpack this.

I know that for me in my life right now...trying to stay sexually pure is not just a sharing my body kinda thing. It's also a share my mind kinda thing. I gotta keep it pure. It's tough. But I am doing it. I am not reaching for the comfort of emotional sexual fantasies that keep my loneliness and longing in check.

Years ago during my recovery process from the effects of incest, I realized that I was having outrageous sexual fantasies while I was having sex with my husband. It took some time and digging but I realized that what I was doing was avoiding the bare intimacy that came with sharing my body. Sex isn't just a body thing. It is a mind thing. A spirit thing. A soul thing. I was damaged by my abuse on all those levels. Intimacy was damaged when I was incested by my father. It broke and shattered my ability to connect on a soul level. As a result of that I entertained sexual fantasies that included bondage and abuse. That was what my soul (my inner child) had experienced and what I was accustomed to...so I hid myself there. It took some time, but with the help of my counselor and group, I was able to get 'present' and stay 'present'. I cried many many tears thru that healing process. It wasn't the intimacy that I was afraid of and trying to avoid. It was fear. Fear of being hurt. Fear of the exposure of my heart. Blind inner terror. And my mind tried to protect me by engaging my fantasies without me even realizing why or worse yet...that I was further damaging myself.

Luke 17:2 says:

It would be better for him to be thrown into the sea with a millstone tied around his neck than for him to cause one of these little ones to sin.

Let me just add right here that I consider any type of abuse of a child is an act worthy of having a millstone tied around your neck and cast into the sea!!

God in his infinite mercy and for pure love of us created us so amazing adaptable. When abuse occurs our defenses kick in. Fight or flight. For me and my abuse and the intimacy that was provoked by sexual intercouse....my flight defense kicked in. I was 'emotionally' OUT OF THERE!! Thus the sexual fantasies...They allowed me to 'escape'.

For the women that struggle with this form of escape...and it is an escape...I ask you what are you running from? Is it the intimacy and the bareness of the soul? Is it a way to protect that part of you that is still broken? Or is it mirroring the damage that was already done?
Perhaps you trying to get even or punish yourself? Your partner?

Intimacy is something that can only be attained if the walls are knocked down. We have to allow the Holy Spirit to take a sledge hammer or a bull dozer to it. It isn't easy. It hurts. But I know that there is freedom there when we allow the fresh wind to blow thru.

Laying bare all that has been wounded, deformed, broken, tarnished, scarred, is what He desires of us. Then and only then...when we get really honest with ourselves and Him, can He do His thing.

Consume ME....

2008-08-05T16:30:00.001-04:00

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Consume is defined as the following:

1. to destroy or expend by use; use up.
2. to eat or drink up; devour.
3. to destroy, as by decomposition or burning: Fire consumed.
4. to spend.
5. to absorb; engross: consumed with curiosity.
6. to undergo destruction; waste away.

ALL AROUND ME.....Father consume!

Death, Spiritual Gifts, & Relationship Building

2008-07-31T08:33:00.011-04:00

Yesterday I wrote a litttle about "L".

"L" was bulimic. I found out last night at the viewing that she weighed all of 50lbs when she died Monday. "L's" heart just couldn't support the torment that she had put her body through and it just stopped. "L" fell to the floor. Gone. She was 50 yrs old.

At the viewing I met her mom for the first time. Her mom grabbed my hand and wouldn't let go. She walked me to the open casket and to "L". "L" looked the same as she did last week when I saw her. I couldn't help but think that she had really been walking around dead for quite sometime. While at the casket her mom said to me "No mother should have to bury her own baby. She was my first born." And she wept. I was so moved with compassion for this mother. All I could do was pray for her. I brought this broken hearted mom before the Father to ask for comfort. As a believer....it's all that I could think of to do. As a human being, my heart broke for the grief that this mom felt for giving birth to "L"and then watching her own daughter die before her eyes. I felt so utterly helpless.

I knew last week that "L" was going to die. I was given gifts from the Holy Spirit of knowledge, wisdom, prophecy. These are hard gifts to carry. For the most part, I keep what I see or hear or discern to myself because in the past when I have tried to give it away it is not accepted. So, for the past 6 - 8 monthes I have kept what I recieve to myself. I have not shared. I have not been obedient.

Last week I was looking at "L" and I 'saw' death on her. I knew she was dying. I was thrown by what I saw to be death spreading up her neck and face. Death. I didn't know what to do with it. I called her sponsor. I prayed. And then moved on. When I found out yesterday that "L" had died I felt like God had kicked me in the chest. All I could think about was WHY would he show me these things. WHY the hell would I want to see this?

I walked in trauma all day. I prayed. I read. I was so frustrated. I was pissed. I was hurt.

I went to the viewing and played my music really loud on the way in the car. Even then the Father was speaking to me. Thru the music. He gave me a song for "L". It is posted here.

I came home and read the word. I Corinthians 12/13/14. I realized that he gave this gift to me to edifiy the church. That he gives gifts according to HIS purpose. What HE thinks is right. Not what I want at all. And I know that he showed me death and "L" to not kick me in the chest but to give me a kick in the ass for not walking where I need to. For letting fear stop me from doing what HE wants done. For not saying what HE wants to say thru me. Had I not had such a jolt to my heart....I would still be sitting in fear and disobedience.

Then I called a safe persone and this is what they told me.

1) I am not responsible for the results

2) Be true to what I know I have to do

3) People will judge. Don't worry about that. Let God sort it out.

4) Just do what I know to be right.

I went to bed stil sorting. It felt like all the puzzle pieces had been thrown up in the air and landed all ascew. I prayed that He would sort it out.

Ya know. I woke up this morning with a all the pieces. I just have to finish putting them in place. I have been 'directed' to speak what he told me to. I have to go to someone tonight and share what I feel He showed me. I will do this.

I know that I have to work on my delivery. Ya know I'm in the shower and I'm talking to God saying "but...but...i'm nothing. they won't recieve it....they don't like me...but" and He gently reminded me that He used a donkey to speak to Balaam"....LOL....He can certainly use me. Jeremiah they threw in the pit...but He delivered Jeremiah.....I have to go forward.

I guess the further I walk into this, the more I see that it is about relationship. Building the body of Christ. God having relationship with ME. With His church. With His bride.

"L" is home with her beloved. Her Jesus. This is for my friend "L".

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Losing The Battle With Bulimia

2008-07-30T14:01:00.003-04:00

I found out today that a friend of mine died of complications from bulimia. "L" is finally free from the torment of her body and her mind. She is home with the Father.

Two weeks ago I saw death all over "L". I knew it was going to happen. I shared it with her Sponsor. And then released it.

What do you do with this kind of knowledge?

What do I do with these things that I see?

On Being SAFE

2008-07-25T10:21:00.007-04:00

Kathy, my friend with the carnival in her head wrote about safe people this week. Ya know, I gotta tell you that when I read over the list of attributes of safe and unsafe peopple I really kinda got some 'ut-ohs'. I seen myself in the unsafe catagory more than once. I am being drawn into looking at these charactor defects and changing them. Kathy also expressed that we are all a work in progress and that this is a journey without desitination here on Earth. Well said.

The top 3 on this list belong to me. I know that I need to become safe to others. It's not that I think the I have it all together, its that I see the level of recoveries out there and it reminds me of the blind leading the blind. It kirks me out. I have to work on this judgementalism that I am carrying. We are ALL a work in progress. Where has the mercy and compassion that used to flow from me gone? Has it gotten choked by resentment? Something to look at for me.

I do get defensive when someone tries to speak into my life. Especially when I don't trust THEM. Trust. Safe. Church people are not safe to me.

The self rightousness?? Well, yeah I gotta own this. However, in my heart I know that I am nothing in and of myself. It is all Him. Have I picked up my rose colored glasses again to gaze in the mirror with?

I tend to want to push people thru it. I want them to 'get it' and move on. I know that I need to be there. I have a hard time with humility with my recovery. I have a hard time being gentle at times. Lots to think about here in this post. It certainly is stirring the pot for me. Challenging me to excellence in my own recovery and how I give back.

Take a look at Kathy's list below and let me know if anything strikes a bell for you. Where do you see yourself? Where do you see yourself with others? Are you safe?

Unsafe People (and communities):

* think they ”have it all together” instead of admitting their weaknesses
* are defensive instead of open to feedback
* are self-righteous instead of humble
* only apologize instead of changing their behavior
* avoid working on their problems instead of dealing with them
* demand trust instead of earning it
* blame others instead of take responsibility
* lie instead of tell the truth
* remain stagnant instead of growing
* resist freedom instead of encouraging it (can’t take no for an answer)
* flatter us instead of confronting us
* condemn us instead of forgiving us
* stay in parent/child roles instead of relating to us as equals
* unstable over time instead of being consistent
* gossip instead of keeping secrets

Safe People (and communities):
* accept us just like we are
* love us no matter how we are being or what we do
* influence us to develop our ability to love and be responsible
* create love and good works within us
* give us an opportunity to grow & stretch & practice
* help us feel comfortable being “ourselves”, to be on the outside what we are on the inside
* allow us to become the us that God intended
* use their lives to touch ours and leave us better for it
* help us be more like Christ
* help us to like & love others more
* make the relationship more important than opinions
* receive instead of just give
* are humble & willing to say what they need
* are honest, kind & don’t pretend
* work through resistances instead of giving up

Pretty extensive stuff here. I can say the thing that I have worked the hardest thru lately is not running away. When I am pushed or hurt. I tend to want to hide. I am working my way back into community. It feels unsafe. I know it is painful. But I have to walk thru this or it will keep coming back around to me. I have to risk. And I would like to add that "SAFE" people encourage us and celebrate the risks into healthiness that we take even when we fail or back-peddle.

My Birthday Tradition.....

2008-07-23T10:26:00.005-04:00

Happy Birthday To ME!!

Sunday is my 44th birthday. Yep 44! Every year at this time I sit and really examine where I am in life. I have to do this because sometimes my life has a tendancy to run me rather than me run my life. And more than that...I want to LIVE my life.

My birthday goals last year were for the most part met. I ended a relationship that was unhealthy. I left a ministry that was not a good place for me to be. I made some headway on addressing my financial sludge and credit issues. I ended my stationary business and moved on to cleaning houses and office buildings on top of my full time job. I have NOT quit smoking. I have maintained my weight. I became a grandma for the first time. Lots of stuff happening accross the board.

This year my goals will be to continue to work on the credit and finacical stuff.

Maintain healthy relationships. Remain sexually pure.

Continue to work on my business and maybe slowly get into the gardening and yard work arena.

I will get my passport.

I want to get my twins thru high school gradution.

I also hope to move my oldest daughter and my grandbaby into their own place.

I want to LIVE each day to the fullest. To the hilt. I surrendered mediocrity long ago. I will push for anything but mediocre. I want excellence and nothing else. My friend 'Happy' told me that I am the daughter of the King....yep she's right....but she also said that I deserve to have a prince. I don't want to settle for anything else but excellence in a man too. I think that as I get older somehow I have raised the bar. Raised the standard. I pray that I continue to do that and not settle.

But mostly I want to just continue this journey into authenticity with ME.

I have always thought it was important to look back. I think footprints are there for a reason...they allow us to trace back what we walked thru. We can't have 'do-overs' in most things and I don't look back looking for things that I could have done different or better. I look back so that I can be proud of where I am today. What always kind of blows me away in looking back is that I can see Gods fingerprints all over my life. He is always there. Hands all over me. I'm glad I serve a hands on kinda God.

Dena Cancer Treatment Update

2008-07-17T10:39:00.004-04:00

Just a quick update on my friend Dena. Dena has completed her first round of treatment against the cancer. She is still standing. Still strong.

Radiation doctor stated that the tumor has shrunk....not sure what that means...he thinks five more sessions of radiation will help..lymph nodes have not changed...however, the doc said that is not unusual at this point. We go Monday to meet with each doc. No mention of the cancer in her chest wall.

Jesus be with my friend as she fights this battle. Be with the love of her life as he stands with his loving wife.

I'm In An Emotional Funk

2008-07-16T08:28:00.006-04:00

Spiritually, I'm fine. I know that I am on target with my walk. My life. But there is always this 'thing' that hangs over my head with ministry. I don't fit in. How long should I stay and pound on the door??

Really, isn't there a shortage of workers out there? Why do I have to be so unorthodox? Why do I have to rebel against the machine?? This puts me in a very lonely and vulnerable place. I'm not sure where God is taking me. Sometimes I feel as tho I should join the ranks of the 'leaving the organized church' movement. There is serenity there. Just some deep ramblings.....

A Slogan A Day....Just For Today

2008-06-26T16:24:00.002-04:00

I read something today that was pretty centering. Kathy the girl with a carnival in her head wrote about staying in today. And how this concept has escaped the church. What I love about Kathy is that she always brings her stuff back to her. She speaks of Kathy. AND that helps me see me. It also got me thinking about how many slogans center on TODAY.

Just for today.
One day at a time.
Keep in simple.
How important is it?
Easy does it.

So many times I want to run ahead. I wish for tomorrow. I wish for payday. I wish for Spring to come. I wish for cooler weather. From day to day and season to season. I want to run ahead. Hurry. Hurry and let this season of my life pass so that I can get on to the next one. Especially the painful difficult seasons such as the one that I am in now.

Being single.

Being lonely.

Wishing that “Mr. Wonderful” would appear.

Wishing.

Always.

Kathy’s post reminded me that the hard times…the wacky times…the lonely times….
this day is a gift to be opened up and treasured.

Not hurried thru.

God, help me to treasure where I am for today.

Help me not want to rush it.

Help me find contentment where you have me.

The Slug, The Shoplifter, And 2 Best Friends

2008-06-23T10:22:00.001-04:00

I met with my two closest friends this weekend for dinner. Best Friend’s divorce is final and she will be leaving the state to start a new life for herself this week. Sitting there on the deck of a beautiful riverside restaurant I was forced to see my two closest friends struggling with lives that they are living.
Best Friend has been married 4 times. Her latest marriage was to a man 14 yrs her junior. He was eye candy when they met. Dumb as a box of rocks. He never even worked a full time job until they relocated to Virginia 4 yrs ago. Eye Candy married his ‘mommy’ and Best Friend took on that role. He was easy on the eyes but wore grooves everywhere else. Including Best Friends finances. In the past 6 years she has lost her pool home that was paid for. Her vehicles. Her disability insurance. All of her antique Coke collectibles. A lot of her sanity was stripped. She actually lived in a camper while they were homeless. Now that marriage is over. The dreams that she had somewhere made up in her head are shattered. Not because of adultery. Or alcohol. Or drugs. But because Eye Candy has a problem with shoplifting. He was arrested and jailed 2 times in the past 6 months.
Eye Candy recently inherited his 13 year old daughter due to the death of her mom who had custody of her since birth. Eye Candy cannot be a father. He cannot even parent himself. The daughter who watched as her mom lost her battle with breast cancer is now essentially alone. She has lost her step mom too. Her father is useless and on his way back to the county jail.
Where is the hope in any of this? I just don’t see any hope!!
Then there is Friend 2. The Enabler. I have know her since I moved to Virginia in 2000. She used to be a happy vibrant woman. Single mom making it happen. She married her longtime boyfriend 4 yrs ago and it has been devastating for her since. She is nothing more than a roommate. Her husband sleeps on the couch. She has no idea of his earnings or retirement benefits. She doesn’t even know the amount of his truck payment. They have separate bank accounts. All the bills are split 50/50 even though Slug makes a lot more money than The Enabler does. They lead separate lives. Her husband the big fat Slug sits and watches TV day and night while the Enabler works full time. The Enabler has many severe health issues. And like all good co-dependant women….Enablers health needs always come last. SLUG has no health coverage for his wife. The Enabler has thrown away major parts of herself for the sake of having a husband. And what she has gotten is a very poor roommate.
I see both of these women as my most valued friends. I have struggled with this dinner since I walked off the dock that night. I am tired. I am saddened by how both of their lives have turned out. I am deeply torn by the heartache that they have endured for the sake of love and a spouse. And I am beyond any sort of comprehension as to what would make a woman stay in a situation where they are not being lifted up and treasured with blind hope that it will get better. Both of these women deserve to be treasured. They are good women.
I guess where I think that this has to go for me is inside. I know that thru talking to these women this weekend I have realized two huge “tapes” that play over and over in my head when I engage in a relationship with someone. Those tapes say this:
“I can make his life so much better”…..holy shit! Where does that come from?
AND
“Oh, his (addiction, life style, unhealthiness) isn’t that bad. Nobody’s perfect…” That ut-oh that I hear?? I better be listening to it and run! That ut-oh is there for a reason. It tells me that I need to look at this and really figure out if that unhealthiness is worth living with. Or I will end up like my friends.
If I put these two things together in operation…..it spells out disaster for me. I mean who do I think that I am to make anyone’s life better? That is not my job! I want someone to take care of ME for a change. This character defect is deeply engrained in my co-dependency. It is the “Saint/Sinner” complex. I have only been able to trace it back to my Ex-Husband and the way that I rescued him from himself and others. Wow. This one behavior sets all the other behaviors up and starts putting the bricks of denial in place.
SO. Here I am. Sitting in the residue of my closest friends lives and what those life choices have done to them. I don’t want to be another one of unhealthiness’s casualties. I don’t want to be broken again. I don’t want to step into the crazies of a relationship that I think I can work with. I want a relationship that will work with me.
As Best Friend embarks on her new life I pray that she goes forward without scales on her eyes. But they are still there. I pray for safety for her.
Enabler and I will continue our friendship. The tears that poured down like rain on Saturday while she talked about how lonely she is…they will continue to come until she finds out that she is worth more. I will continue to tell her she is. And I will work really hard at making myself believe it too.

Sexual Innuendos From A Scientist Guy

2008-06-19T16:11:00.003-04:00

So last night I had a talk with Scientist Guy about our relationship. I have known this guy for around 2 years. We were in the singles club together at church. We shared mutual friends. And we just naturally spent time together. Scientist Guy is just a really “nice” guy. Not my type at all. I go for the ones with an edge to them.

I had wondered where the friendship was going as I was getting some mixed signals lately. The kind of signals where the guy calls you all the time. Takes you out to dinner. The kind of signal that tells a girl that this relationship is kind of developing into something. It was ok for friends. But I got a little concerned over some comments that Scientist Guy has made in the past couple weeks. Comments like:

“we can sit in my car and neck”
“I can get you drunk and finally take advantage of you”
“hey sexy”

You know things that would really lead a girl to think that there was a motive in operation here. And to be honest here, I work in the construction industry. 99% of the industry is made up of men. Nasty flirtatious men. I expect those comments from them. But not someone from my church. And not someone who is a Christian man!! Geeezzz!

So, doing something completely out of character for me….I confronted the situation. I brought it to light. It was pretty scary to do let me tell you! But I figured that I need to know what this guys intentions were so that I could figure out my counter attack.

First let me say that we are just completely opposites. He is a very orthodox kind of guy. Single man. 50 yrs old. Owns his own home. He is secure financially. Grown kid not living with him. He is the kind of man that would be scared off by my messy family. I am unorthodox. I am not financially secure. I live from week to week. I have 3 kids. An psycho dog. We just don’t match. So I was concerned that if this guy was chasing me….he better be sure about it otherwise my life would chew him up and spit him out!!

Anyway, back to the confrontation. When he called me he just said this….”Tara, I have always thought you were just extremely sexy.”

I was pretty floored. Then he proceeds to tell me that compared to him I am a ‘free spirit’ and so ‘authentic’ that he loves to just be near me. And he apologized for the sexual comments but that I just make him very comfortable. That he can joke with me. And not be fearful of being himself. And then Scientist Guy says that we are just friends. **Whew**.

So I said: “I hope this means that you’re still going to buy me dinner now and again”….and Scientist Guy says: “Why would I do that? I’m not getting anything out of it”…totally joking. Totally free. Now we are both on the same page and we can go about the friendship.

I still am waiting for “Mr. Wonderful”. I was told that he is out there. I just asked God to make him appear with bells around his neck so that I could hear him coming…..

Wine, Moose Tracks And Missing Daddy

2008-06-18T15:26:00.004-04:00

I’ve written about my Mother’s Day and how really terrible it was this year. So, I think it’s only right that I should put down my Father’s Day as well.

It has been a tradition in my family, started by my oldest daughter, Sarah, that my kids celebrate me on Father’s Day. I’m a single mom and have been for years, so in their way, they see me as ‘Dad’. I don’t necessarily like it that they think of me as dad. I am a poor fill in across the board. I don’t do car repairs. I don’t do algebra. I have come to terms with the fact that even tho I try to fulfill both roles as mother and father…I fall short.

My Fathers day gifts of years past included Valentino perfume, Calvin Kline perfume, bras, always a special dinner and homemade cards, and this year I was taken to the Renaissance Festival at a local winery. It was a really fun day. Hot. Really HOT!! Zech did archery and ogled the big breasted wenches (what else would a 17 yr old boy do?), and Bekkah shopped and bought some trinkets. We ate smoked turkey legs like heathens and wore flower wreathes in our hair.

Sarah hung around the gypsies and the fortune tellers. She lugged the grandbaby around enjoying all the attention that was cast her way for having such a great baby. And he is.

All in all it was great. Topped off with a trip to the winery where I purchased my favorite white, Lake Anna White. And a short cut to our favorite ice cream palace for sugar free moose tracks. Yum.

Later that same night, I had a wonderful date night with my 17yr old son. It's really kind of cool that this young man still wants to hang with his mom. He craves that time together.

Such a bittersweet day for my family.

Bittersweet for me because I have spent the last 8 years of my life as a single mom. I have watched my children grow into good people. I have seen them transition from children to adults. I have held them while the cried over Absent Dad. I have wiped the tears when it was the daddy that they wanted and worse yet, that they needed. I have listened to the harsh words, rightfully spoken about a father that just isn’t there for them. They are pissed that Absent Dad has chosen to remarry and raise another women’s children while Absent Dad has children that need and want him. I have watched this wound become an ulcerated sore to their hearts.

It’s bitter because I have tried to be the mom and dad. I have tried to fool myself into thinking that I am enough for them. And I have woken up to the realization that I will never be able to fill that void that Absent Dad left behind. I just can’t. I have stopped trying. I can only be the very best mom that I can be. And hopefully, THE Father will step in and fill the void left unfilled. You can hear me say to my kids at any given moment that “I have a bigger dick than most men I know” or “My balls are sweaty” or even better yet is my t-shirt that says “I have the dick so I make the rules”….all this is in jest…my kids know that I try….and they support me by honoring me…the MOM on Father’s Day.

In all of my experiences that stand out for this Father’s Day tradition is when we were walking into church this Sunday as a group and I told the associate pastor “Happy Father’s Day” and he smiled and thanked me. Then as eloquently as Bekkah can be, she turns to me and says “Mom, Happy Father’s Day”. Associate Pastor looked surprised, then he smiled warmly. Acknowledging what that simple phrase really meant to me.

I have passed this honor off to other single mom’s I know. Best Friend calls me every year to pass on the tradition one single mom to another of our blessing to each other of “Happy Father’s Day”. And this year as I stood in line at the grocery, my favorite checker girl was busy scanning. I knew she was a single mom raising her daughter alone. And as I stepped up to pay for my purchases….I let it happen. I spoke the words that brought that young, tired, very alone single mom to tears…when I wished her “Happy Father’s Day”.

So my friends….if you know a single mom. Just simply acknowledge that the life and burden that they carry is indeed a hard cross to bear. It doesn’t sound like much, but I for one believe and live by the belief that words are one of the most powerful things that exist.

Honor those moms out there. And honor those single dads out there too on Mother’s Day. It isn’t easy to be both parents. And the wise ones of us who walk this road, realize that we can’t be both parents. But it sure is sweet to be honored for our efforts and for our hearts for our children living with Absent Parents.

Raging & Powerless

2008-06-17T09:51:00.003-04:00

Driving to work today listening to "I'm So Sick" by "Flyleaf" I realized I was pissed. I have some issues with rage going on.

I'm not sure where it came from but I have the feeling that it is directed at me.

I've been feeling pretty effin powerless lately.

Powerless over my jobs.

Powerless over my kids.

Powerless over being lonely.

Powerless over my future.

SOMEWHERE in the steps there is supposed to be freedom in powerlessness. But just for today.....I am not finding it at all.

Faire Memories

2008-06-16T08:31:00.007-04:00

This was the only Knight to be found.

He's a little rusty around the edges!! Like most men I know.

Too skinny for me but hey, I had to grab him while I had the chance.

Scientist In Shining Armor???

2008-06-13T08:42:00.006-04:00

I'm headed to the Ren Fest this weekend.

Off to the joust my fine fellow!!!

A Husband With The Skin On

2008-06-09T14:09:00.003-04:00

I’ve been feeling very lonely lately. Just profoundly lonely. It’s like there is the deep vast hole in myself that needs to be filled. It echoes with a longing. I am surrounded on most days by several people. People I work with. People I live with. People that just hang out at my house. I am NEVER alone. But I have come to realize that even if I am not alone….I am lonely.
Putting a name on it is important. For a few weeks now I have felt something go missing. I know that in the last couple of months I have let go of a long term relationship and let go of the dream that I would be married. The decision in itself was a very healthy decision to make. I wasn’t happy or fulfilled in that relationship for a long time. And it had become spiritually and emotionally abusive. But letting that relationship go didn’t hurt nearly or as deeply as this void does. I am lonely.
I talked to my mentor/sponsor Gayle from LIFE Ministries and she asked me “what has happened to bring this up”. And I instantly thought of the new relationship that my daughter has with her Marine. I think that I am jealous of this new relationship. The Marine is one fine looking man. But moreover, he is a good man. He has values and integrity. He is a strong man. And a very smart man. This guy is pretty much all that I desire to have in a man. I pray every day that this relationship blossoms and unfolds into something much bigger than the both of them. She needs him. She wants him. He needs her. I’m on the outside looking in and what I see has potential. What I see are two hearts that are searching. I see two hearts that could work if they work it. And my Grandson Joey would have one hell of a role model to look up to. The Marine would do right by the both of them.
Then Gayle asks me “what is a man to you”?? Now that is an unfair question! What surprised me was my answer. I have a shopping list. He should cover the family spiritually. He provides. He protects. He leads. I also shot out quite a few things that the ‘man’ for me shouldn’t be. He should not be controlling. Jealous. Overbearing. A hypocrite. He must be dead to himself completely. I have always thought that the man of a Christian home should assume the roles of King, Priest, & Prophet of the house. What Gayle told me was that to put a lot of stress on a man to perform. And that it took the place of Christ in the home. First she tells me that we are all Priests. Women too. Cool. Then the role of Prophet encompasses speaking the oracles of God. Women do that too. Prophetesses. The Kings job is that of providing. The lead. Women also do this. The roles that I had in my mind had somehow gotten much bigger than they should be. Bottom line here is that there is no other over me than Christ. He is the husband. He is my husband. Or he should be.

I have got to get real here. I am tired of walking this road by myself. I am tired of keeping all this on MY shoulders. It would be great to have someone to share this load with sometimes. I know Jesus is my husband....but he CAN'T go pick the kids up if they need a ride!! He can't make a meeting at school with the teachers! Jesus can't run to the store and pick up milk! He can't make sure the grass is cut or talk my son or daughter thru math finals!!! It is all mine. And that sucks. It SUCKS!!
I then realized that this is 4th step stuff. Taking that fearless moral inventory. 4th Step stuff isn’t just about making amends to those we have harmed. Or forgiving those who have hurt us. It is also about taking the look inside us and seeing and really being honest with ourselves with what makes us tick. And for me this generally means that I have to look at the whole sha-bang. Re-visiting myself. Checking in with the belief system that has been governing me. Checking in with a belief system that is out dated. And totally irrelevant. Where did it come from? What is the pivotal moment in my life that has defined this unrealistic view of a man? And how did I allow them to become defining characteristics of a man?
I know that part of this puzzle is the part of growing up without a man in my life to model what a man was supposed to do. I had no idea what a man’s job is. I was pretty much raised by women. Strong women who had it all under control one way or another. So there has been no model in my own life to scale what a man was. Or did. Or didn’t do. I know that God has healed a very broken part of my little girl heart when he revealed that Daddy Heart to me. Can he also mend what is broken in my adult eyes and heart of the longing for a mate?
Then Gayle took this one step further: she said “imagine how difficult it is for a man to be a man, let alone live up to the labels of Priest, Prophet, King of the house when they don’t know what that means either?”. There are so few male mentors. Few fathers that stay and model what the father does. Fewer men that model or disciple what it means to be a Godly man. We are a society of fatherless male children and fatherless female children. Somewhere there is a void that is created in that whole big scheme of things. I have children that have grown up without a father. Without a model. Without that man in the home. I wonder how deeply and profoundly this will damage them. And will God bonk the dad on the head for causing this curse to perpetuate?
Gayle said the only Priest, Prophet, and King of the house that is needed is Jesus. He is the ultimate model of Father/Friend/Lover/Priest/Prophet/King/Beloved. Hearing this is so healing. But there is still a huge part of me that wants a husband with the skin on!! I want to be held. I want to touch.
So I am on to another chapter of who I am to become. I can’t say that I like this chapter. It hurts. Deep down. But if it is not surrendered I will continue to carry that chasm around with me. And I pray….Jesus you said that you are a lover of my soul….fill this cavern inside me.

Grandbaby Love

2008-06-05T08:33:00.002-04:00

I just wanted to share some new pictures of me and my grandson Josiah. I never knew I could love this little guy as much as I do. And he's pretty crazy about me too.

I Lost My Cherry

2008-05-28T13:47:00.001-04:00

Me and my kids started a Memorial Day tradition a couple years back to all get away together. Usually that meant that we would pack up and go to the free beach house that my boss let us take for a weekend in VA Beach. Last year we invited some of the families in our neighborhood and we took a bunch of us and had a blast.
This year we headed to the woods. We still went with families from our neighborhood. Our troop totaled 14 all together. What a fun time. I was more than a little kirked out about the woods and camping. I had never camped in my whole life before last weekend. I was expecting snakes, bugs, mosquitoes, and tons of dirt. I was really pleasantly surprised by the outcome.
Let me tell you all about it.
I am going to refer to this trip as a trip of ‘firsts’ for me. Although I didn’t sleep in a tent, I got the full spectrum of camping mojo. My cabin was a 12 X 12 structure of logs. A set of bunk beds and a double bed. Two small windows with calico curtains. Two electrical outlets. The outlets came in handy for the coffee pot that I had to bring with me for morning coffee. And best of all…..a front porch with a swing. There was no running water in my cabin…therefore that meant that I had to make the trek to the bathroom in the middle of the night thru the woods in my flannel man jammies.
We had 3 sites for all of us. The site with the pop up trailer was home base. That was where all the food and the cooking went on. My cabin was the designated coffee spot. So each morning I would wake up before anyone else and make pot after pot of coffee ….not unlike my part time job at Wawa. All the parents and the hard core coffee teens would meander my way and get their fill. We’d linger over cups of coffee and listen to the birds. Watch the squirrels. And otherwise process the day before and the upcoming events. It was awesome. It was awesome to have the sense of such a large extended family sitting and talking and waking up. All of us with smiles. I miss this part the very most.
One of the most memorable experiences of the trip was the karaoke that we did at the central pavilion. I actually got talked into singing “Follow Me” by Uncle Kracker with my daughter Bekkah. We did this complete with hand actions and dancing around. Laughing thru the whole thing. What an experience to share with my kid! That same night, the Marine (Chris), sang “Here Without You” by Three Doors Down. He gave a wonderful verbal honor to all those over seas that are there without their family, wives, parents, and friends. He cried and sang with his whole heart. As a veteran of 2 tours in Iraq his heart was not here in the US, but with his friends in Iraq. He shared that his platoon had lost ½ it’s men in an ambush attack last year. He was still in mourning. Every veteran and relative of a veteran hugged this Marine when he set the microphone down. Every American eye in the pavilion was filled with tears. There was a reverent moment of silence for all those lost. Past, Present, Future. I stood there watching my son, Zech who wants to go in the Navy. And my adopted son, Shane who will join the Marines. I stood there with my eyes wide open knowing that in the years to come I will stand not only as a parent but as an American to honor my son and adopted son for their service and quite possibly for their lives.
I did connect with myself too. Ya know, every time I go away for a break I am so sure that I’m about to lose my sanity. And for the past two years….I realize half way thru the trip that I am not as bad off as I thought. I do have some ‘clean up’ to do with my kids. I have decided to keep my P/T job so that I can save up to take them camping again before school starts next fall. And I have decided to let some relationships go and try to foster yet more that have been simmering in the background. I guess all in all I am OK. Somewhere along the line I got into some of my “magical thinking”. My magical thinking is that process of bargaining with God without him knowing it and without me knowing it until it’s done and over with.
I had this thought that if my kids are in church. If I am in church. If I am working my recovery program. If I am doing all that I can do to make this life better for me and my kids. Then God surely would be taking up the slack. I know that God does take up the slack but that is not my magic wand excuse for not taking care of the stuff that is smoldering in the background. Wow. I really do need to change some stuff in my life before it gets away from me.
Anyway, that is that. I am no longer a camping virgin. I lost my cherry to the Chesapeake Shoreline and a troop of 14. What a blast!!!

The Camping Virgin

2008-05-27T13:52:00.002-04:00

Above you will see the whole crew. Top row: Zech, The Marine (Chris), Glenn, Ken, Chris

Bottom: Shane, Me, Mikayla, Sarah Holding Baby Josiah, Meagan, Sarah, Rosie, Bekkah.

As you can see...we had a real community camping trip. I have heard it said that "it takes a village to raise a child" but it goes much deeper than that. When you get all those different families together and they function it is nothing less than magic. We were poetry in motion.

This is all the kids before the departed on a 4 hr canoe trip. The only adult on the trip was The Marine (Chris), who more than lead them all (some of these kids had never been in a canoe) forward and back.

This was home base. Rosie, the Camping Goddess more than created the perfect environment for us all...she created a community and a family.

Getting Packed.....Yuck!!

2008-05-22T10:29:00.003-04:00

Getting Ready To Depart To The Wilderness. The Kia Is Totally Full.

Not A Bit Of Room. Except For Body Space!

Dena's Surgery

2008-05-21T10:03:00.002-04:00

My friend Dena had her surgery scheduled this morning for removal of the mass in her lower lung. The Dr opened Dena up and examined the lung with the scope. At this point they could not do the surgery because the cancer has already breeched the lung cavity. Surgical removal is not an option now.

Dena will now endure radiation and chemo. Please pray with me for Dena. Pray for strength and healing that only God can provide. Pray for peace for Dena's husband Paul as he stands with the love of his life to fight this.

My Chance To Reconnect With Me

2008-05-21T09:44:00.002-04:00

I really can't believe how excited I am getting about this camping trip. What started out as just 7 of us and our crew has more than doubled in size. We have enlisted a Marine that served in Iraq for 2 tours of duty and is more than able to help with the details. How cool is that? We have several teenagers ranging in age 13 to 17.

I have always chose to head to the beach for vacations. I love the water and the sun and the surf. I love the smell of the salt water. I have always equated the rage and unpreditability of the ocean with the strength of God. I love being near it. It is a force that is much bigger than I. This year I am on an inlet of the Chesapeake Bay. I hope to still get the benefit of the 'sea' as I can just hop in my car and drive for 15 minutes. But more than that....I just need to unplug. I must get centered within myself. I have to find some serinity within that has gone missing. I need to connect with my kids. I need to connect with pieces of me lost.

Who We Are

2008-05-20T09:01:00.004-04:00

I have had a couple of really interesting conversations lately. All having to do with “who we are”. As a Christian in recovery I’d like to think that I know who I am. What stuff I’m made of. I know my character defects. I know my strengths and my gifts and my talents. I know how to get safe and stay safe. I also know how close to the edge I can walk without falling off. But knowing all of these things about me brings me to my next interesting thought. Actually a question. If I know all about me. Why I do things the way I do. What is behind the behavior and what is propelling me to react or act to what is going on around me or inside me. And I am comfortable with that, meaning I really like who I am….why do I tend to hide and protect that person that I am created to be?? Why do I hide behind a wall? Why do I try to conceal certain parts of me from others that should be accepting of me?

My daughter Bekkah has been going thru a difficult time lately. About 5 wks ago she fessed up to cutting herself. This cutting phenomenon is a really tough thing for me to understand. Why would you cut into your skin to feel better? It just doesn’t make sense to me. It is just really weird. Anyway, Bekkah is back in counseling and trying to work thru her pain and issues. Part of the therapy has been for her to journal daily. I think that the journaling helps her to sort thru. It helps her to feel and release. She writes the most amazing poems. Her timing and sense of wording is incredible. She has a gift. My Bek shared these writings with me late last night.
Bek and I talked a lot about “who she is”. She said to me, “I don’t know who I am…why am I here”?? She is in pain and confused about a lot of stuff in her high school life. The relationships that she has with friends. Her boyfriend. Life in general is kicking Bekkah’s ass. We discussed “who she is” and some healthy things that she can do to take some power back into her life that has been stripped away by circumstances and relationships. Bekkah showed me another ‘side of her’ last night.

I think it’s all about self preservation and our longing to be accepted and loved. For Bek, I can speak love into her life and heart. I can encourage her that she is a wonderful girl created by God. I can encourage my kids as I always have to ‘think for themselves’ and to always remember that there is a God that loves them. And I can lay down the mindset and the standards that I set in my own life and heart for people to be accepted by me. I can keep walking this road of recovery and of Christ in the hopes that someday we will be free to be who we are. In the hope that Bek will be free to be who she is. Where I will be free to be who I am. And not worry about the way others perceive me. Someday.

I need people in my life like cut gemstones. Multi-faceted. I need the kind of people that every time you look at them….you see something else. They are always a surprise. Always interesting. That is the way that we were created to be. We are a masterpiece created by the Master's hands. We are not junk or mistakes. We are pieces of art.

So I have decided that no matter what, I need to keep walking in all my weirdness and unorthodoxy and be who I am. If I am constantly in a place emotionally where I feel as tho I have to keep my lid on, I am squelching God’s creation. I am masking who He created and hiding it. It can be scary as shit to open myself up and be transparent. But at this point in my life….what the hell am I waiting for? I think it’s harder to be what others want you to be than it is for me to just be who I am.

4 Days Until I Hit The Wilderness....

2008-05-19T13:03:00.004-04:00

....AND VISIONS OF MY FIRST OFFICIAL CAMPING TRIP DANCE IN MY HEAD....

Everyone loves 'Smores. Especially me....

I'm looking forward to meeting these critters....

Canoe rides are NOT on my agenda this weekend. Snakes can swim better than I can!

On being a mom

2008-05-15T14:30:00.002-04:00

This Mothers Day was the worst Mothers Day I have ever had. My kids didn't get me a card. My mom didn't either. I cried all day Sunday and most of Monday lamenting my broken heart and shattered expectations. I couldn't understand how my 3 kids could ever be so neglectful or selfish as to not even try to honor me. I am a great mom. I am loyal. Fun. Loving. I piss them off and get on thier butts but that IS part of my job as a mom too. I don't require much. I'm not high maintenace at all. Sometimes I am happy with a gratuitous pat on the head.

I'm working 2 jobs trying to make this thing called life happen for all of us. To keep a roof over our head. To keep the power on and the cars running. I'm tired. I'm spent. I was devastated to say the least.

Then I saw this picture above. It's of a grieving mom. Holding the body of her daughter that was buried under the rubble left by the earthquake in China. To really look at this picture...really look and get yourself in the pic. China has a one child law. This mom is most likly holding her ONLY child. She grieves.

And it makes me kinda put my Mothers Day into perspective. I have my children. All of them with me. All of them I am able to kiss goodnight. I have my grandson Josiah. I am able to kiss his little boy head anytime I desire.

My heart may still be a little bruised with the carelessness of my kids. But my arms are not empty. God bless these moms. Comfort the hearts that weep for thier sons and daughters.

Camping Countdown

2008-05-15T12:36:00.004-04:00

I have never been camping before. I just don't like the dirt. The smoke. No hair dryer. No electricity. And making the trek to the potty and hot shower doesn't interest me in the least. Yuk.

This year however a girlfriend of mine has reserved a cabin at a summer retreat for me and my kids. My friend Rosie and her husband (who is currently serving in the mid east) go camping every year and to help her uphold this Memorial Day Tradition....I will go and support her.

My kids and her kids are very stoked about the trip. Both of our kids are in thier teens and more than able to entertain themselves with fishing, crabbing, swimming, and chasing the oppisite sex.

Me and Rosie?? We're gonna chill. Relax. Talk. And totally unplug from the lives that keep us so crazy. The resort is only 45 minutes from the Atlantic Ocean and on the rim of the Chesapeake Bay. I really need this get away. 7 days to go!!

Season Of Crazies & Dena My Friend

2008-05-13T09:12:00.003-04:00

Lately with the onset of getting another job to keep my family afloat financially I have developed a huge case of the crazies. Stress of flying home from my full time job to change into my Wawa uniform and throwing my hair up for work in food service. Running into my house grabbing a few bites to eat before running right back out the door. Stopping only to grab my newborn grandson for a few precious minutes and kisses. Maybe pat my Jack The Dog on the head and a scratch him behind the ears. While at work I make numerous phone calls home because I miss my kids. I want to be home. I want to be with them. They are why I am working this stupid job. And I have to make a trade off somewhere. But what price must be paid in order for me to make this happen?

There has been no time for church. No time for fun. I want to drink. A LOT. I want to completely numb out the pain/stress/fear/loneliness/exhaustion. I want to drown myself in a vat of wine and never emerge. It’s that bad. I have no time for friends. No time for sleep. No time for my own sanity. And on top of that I realized this morning that I am pissed at God for allowing my ex husband to get $22K dollars behind on child support while I struggle to meet my obligations and try to raise my kids without any help from that piece of shit I call their father.

All this will pass. Each season of my life shifts and changes. And I somehow make it thru. Sometimes yearning for the season to pass quickly so that I can move onto the next. This season of the crazies will pass. All in His timing.

I want to tell you about my friend Dena who is in a season of her own. Dena is in a season of her life where there is nothing but blind faith and hope.

I met Dena at a wine tasting last year. Funny thing is that we lived right down the street from each other for 2 years and we never knew each other. I moved away and we bumped into each other at this wine tasting. Funny thing is….is I have to wonder if God the creator and orchestrator of life planned for us to meet all along. When life and circumstances and we get in the way… He goes to plan B. I have to believe that there is a reason and a season for all. No matter what that is. He has a plan.

Dena and her husband Paul are some of the most authentic people I have ever known. They are from the mid-west and there is no pretentiousness about them that I have ever seen. They are ‘what-you- see is- what –you- get- kind of people’. The kind of folks that you meet and you are truly richer for knowing them. The kind of people that remain friends with you for years. They are true.

My lovely friend Dena was diagnosed with stage 3 lung cancer recently. Dena is meeting this season in her life like she has met all else. Straight on with authenticity. She is sharing her story online. Reaching out to others. She is magnificently walking every step with nothing less than total class and dignity. She is working all this out with her eyes wide open to the struggle and fight ahead of her and Paul. She knows that she is far from alone. Dena inspires me.

As a believer in Jesus Christ the first thing that struck me about this battle that Dena is fighting was the concern and fear that she didn’t know Jesus. I was afraid that she didn’t have Him on her side. That she wasn’t secure in His hands. That she was alone. Where was her hope? Did she have faith? But, I know that she has made peace with this season. She has reconciled herself to the fight before her. That kind of integrity and grace can only come from the Father. I know that Dena knows Jesus. I have heard the faith. I have heard the hope. I have witnessed the courage and strength that doesn’t come from this world. Dena is walking straight on with that faith like she does everything else….with authenticity.

One of Dena and Paul’s favorite songs is The Boondocks by Little Big Town. This song is posted here as tribute to them and the fight ahead of them. I want to ask you guys out there that read my blog to please stand in the gap for my sister Dena. Pray that she is strong thru this season. Pray for healing and restoration. Pray for my friend to be healed. We are specifically praying that this cancer has not spread outside the lung cavity. Dena is starting treatment by having the lower lobe of her lung removed surgically on 5/21/08. Then we will know more. This is where faith comes in.

Let me just close this with the promise of further updates on Dena. And to Dena I want to say that you are one classy broad girlfriend. You are not standing alone. I love you.

Juggalo Mom

2008-05-12T16:37:00.001-04:00

My song gave me a song for Mothers Day...

What a fine boy my son is!!

Arrogance

2008-05-09T14:47:00.008-04:00

Arrogance is defined as: offensive display of superiority or self-importance; overbearing pride.

YUK! Well, a very trusted mentor spoke into my life recently and told me that I had an attitude and that I was arrogant. OUCH! I told her that I was NOT arrogant. Then she proceeded to speak the words of a prophetess.

I have come to realize that I expect too much from people in recovery ministries. I hear that someone is serving in a recovery ministry and I assume that the person is healty. Wrong. I have walked in assumptions and expectations of the people that I serve with in ministry.

So as a result of this, I have become arrogant with what I have. With my recovery. My wisdom. My insight. And what it does is piss people off. Instead of presenting with a spirit of love and gentleness....what I offer is wrapped up in a pretty little package of arrogance that sounds like this in my head:

"What are you kidding me? You don't know this? I thought you'd be able to deal with this better than this"...among other thoughts. Not nice of me. My arrogance has pushed people away from me rather than draw them closer. Not only that but I am being labeled as rebellious, self promoting, and carnal.

I also am a prophetess. I have the ability to see into and beyond. People don't like that. It's un-nerving to say the least. I have kept this gifting a secret for quite some time. But there are those that see it. They know it. This further makes them more uncomfortable with me. I mean...hey they stoned the prophets didn't they??

I was in a very deep recovery program for years. Then I served on the leadership. The program was confrontive, in your face, and it worked. It had and still is the standard by which I measure recovery by. It's not a fair standard.

I have to lose my expectations of those around me that aren't 'recovered' enough. What is wrong with me that I have replaced grace with expectations? Why have I allowed this into my life? Where is the gentleness, patience, grace, and love that should be flowing from me?

Did I say 'OUCH'??

Springsteen & Pony Bottles

2008-05-06T08:22:00.004-04:00

My kids don't or can't appreciate Bruce Springsteen. I remember the first time I ever heard songs like 'The River' and 'Thunder Road'. The lyrics will live in me for the rest of my life. I hear the music and I am transported back to the wind blowing in my hair as we rode in my best friends black Trans Am with the Pheonix on the hood and drinking pony bottles of beer. Cruisin'. Yeah those were the 80's!

Today I stumbled accross this tune this morining on my way to work and I hit the repeat button. Bruce carried me away on my travel time to the office. It pretty much sums up where Tara is at emotionally. There are lyrics here that say:

"You Can't Shut Out The Risk And The Pain, Without Losing The Love That Remains"

So true. Sing if Bruce. And take me away!

This time period that I remember is when we would line up for hours to get gas and the unemployment rate was very high. Minimum wage was the going rate of pay and we were in what was called a recession. Springsteen wrote about life and the economy and the hopelessness of that time like no other. When I hear him I think of the landscape around me growing up outside of Scranton, PA. Factories were closing thier doors. Massive layoffs. There was no such thing as 'keeping it green' and taking care of the Earth. Black smoke would billow from those foundaries that still functioned.

I have heard over and over again that people think that we are in a recession. I have yet to see that. What I see is a massive slow down. Caution. This mindset of the country is different than what I grew up in. Let's hear it for learning from the past.

Let's hear it for pony bottles and Trans Am's! And letting the wind blow back your hair!

>Turn It Over< >Step 3<

2008-05-01T13:48:00.005-04:00

We made a decision to turn our lives and our will over to the care of God

This is a tough step for no other reason other than it requires trust. For most of us coming into recovery trust is a very hard thing to do. We have trusted and we have been hurt. We have trusted and we have been betrayed. We have trusted and our bodies have been used or broken. We have trusted others to the point that there is really nothing left to give. As for me…I couldn’t even trust myself.

I remember praying these words:
“God, I want to trust you. But I can’t yet. Is saying that I want to trust you enough for now? Can you work with that?”

And do you know something? It was enough. I can tell you that when I got to this step I had to realize that there was a God that loved me. I didn’t see it. I didn’t feel it. I didn’t know it, I mean really know it in my heart. I wanted to believe it. But there was nothing solid for me to grasp. But I prayed these words with my mouth and with the longing in my heart. I prayed with expectancy that if he was God, then He would be able to make it real.

The lack and loss of trust didn’t really come from the incest by my father. Although it damaged me beyond belief. The deepest harm that caused the inability to trust was created by my mother. I could never count on her to keep her word. She was absent. She was disconnected from me. She always said words and made promises and then she’d shift again and the bottom dropped out. I never knew what it meant to be stable. As a child growing up very poor I never knew what it was to be provided for. I never knew safety. I never learned reliance.

I took all those feelings into adulthood with me. I married two men who ultimately lived out the same pattern I had as a child. I had married men like my mother. I married men who could not keep their word. I married liars. I married men that undermined what little confidence I had in myself. I became so bound up in expecting disappointment that I lost all my ability to trust. I just went thru my life expecting that it was not going to get any better. All trust was broken. Shattered by affairs. Damaged by drained bank accounts. There was nothing left to give. I was empty.

Getting to step 3 was pivotal awakening for me. I had admitted I was powerless. I admitted that my life was unmanageable. I realized that I could not fix it. I even stepped up and admitted that I further damaged it myself. But even realizing all that could not change the fact that there had to be something greater and bigger out there. I had to get to the place where I knew that there was a God and that he loved me. I had to accept that He loved me. He loved ME. I had to believe that I mattered to Him. That He sees me. He hears me. He wants me. He desired me. I had to get thru all those barriers before I could trust Him.

The Missing Pig Is Found!

2008-04-30T10:33:00.003-04:00

One of the first blogs I ever wrote is attached. I wrote this after going to see Roger Waters in concert. During the show he floats this huge pig overhead. It is 2 stories high and as wide as 2 school buses. Well, it seems that this giant pig escaped during a show. It was recovered in nearby neighborhoods. I'm sure it will be replaced. I hope that this time RW decides that he will not endorse a candidate that he cannot even vote for. At least something good came out of it. 2 lucky women got to share a $10K reward for returning the shredded pork!!

Paid For Propaganda
OK. I have had enough!! Since when is it OK for an artist to charge an addmission for a ticket and then slam thier political views down your throat??! This is what upsets me:I pay $30 for a stupid piece of grass (packaged and sold as a “lawn seat”) 1/2 mile away from the stage to see Roger Waters (Pink Floyd). Now I love Pink Floyd. Always have. But what I don’t like is that this guy likes to make statements about MY president and my country’s current leadership. I DO NOT agree with his views or opinions about anything. And this guy isn’t even from MY country!! SO I pay the stupid $30 and then have to endure his stupid views when the last thing that I am wanting to do is think about political stuff when I am sipping wine and enjoying music that I paid money to hear!!No one would dispute the talent of this man. No one could dispute the contribution to music that he has made along with his other band members. But where do these musicians, actors, and the like draw the line? I have read outragous remarks by Brad Pitt. Rosie O’Donnell. The Dixie Chicks. At least these people are from MY country. Let them use thier freedom of speech rights. But why do they have to do it in a realm of entertainment? Why do they feel that they need to blah blah this and blah blah that? And some of the things that they say are rediculous! Can’t these people think for themselves? I find it sad that they can only criticize the current situation and want to break down our country by throwing ill thought out opinions that very rarely have any substance to them.I mean this: Do these “women” who like to throw thier words around realize what kind of lives women in Iraq and Iran had before we entered thier country to help them? I’d like to say a few words here myself. How about forced clitoris removal? How about denial of education? Denied access to health care? How about spousal abuse? Sexual abuse? Honor killings? How about years and years under a black covering? Who do these people with big mouths think that they are? Do our soldiers not go into war knowing full well that they may die? Since when did joining the military become a safe career? Is is not an honor to die for freedom whether that be for OURS as in the USA or ensuring the freedom for someone who is oppressed? The last time I checked…Freedom has never been Free. It always comes with a price. Look at the price that was paid for my salvation.I will get off my soap box for now. I will continue to dare to think for myself. And I hope you will to.

300 Pots Of Coffee

2008-04-28T09:00:00.002-04:00

I worked my first weekend shift at my second job this weekend. I am a coffee hostess / coffee wench at my local WaWa. If you don't have a WaWa near you....you are denied. We serve the best coffee and the best sandwiches this side of heaven.

Sanity and Insanity

2008-04-25T13:44:00.002-04:00

Sanity. Something that we assume every human has. A rightful mind. The opposite of sanity conjures up all kinds of images in my head. But what is sanity? I know the definition of insanity is “doing the same thing over and over expecting different results”. I think in recovery that pretty much sums it up. When we enter thru the doors seeking recovery we are saying that we are done trying to fix it. We can’t. We need help. We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. That implies that we are “insane” when we start out in recovery.

Lets take a step back in time and figure out where this insanity starts. You are not insane because your husband drinks. You are not insane because you kids are acting out. You are not insane because your boyfriend is a jerk. You are not insane because your life is out of control. It stated long before these things occurred.

When we are created we are knit together in our mothers womb by the hands of God. He creates us with a personality, certain bents, DNA that identifies us. Before we take our first breath the Creator knows us. We are brought into a sinful fallen world defenseless. To be raised and grown to adulthood. What we end up getting is anyone’s guess. What God creates us to have is a beautiful picture, listen to this:

Check out what Gayle Hoone, L.I.F.E. ministries says:
God meant for children to flourish in their created identity. Even at their beginnings, they are invested with the consciousness of God The Creator. HIS intent is that parents teach, guide, protect, while depositing honor [to prize, value, revere, esteem; to give dignity, originating from (giving) glory & numerous, rich, honorable] into the child’s soul-hearts, and minds.

Children learn via the growing experiences of a nurturing family, proper attitudes, and appropriate actions that honor others. The practice of these attitudes and actions generate life principles [codes and standards] of morality and integrity. Proper morality and integrity give growing privilege [freedom, honor, benefit] in each development stage of the child.
To honor means to respect, admire, revere, value, consider, follow, abide. The goal in a family is to accept each other’s uniquely made character, rather than comparing one to another. It is God’s love in the mother and father that compels a child to accept and embrace themselves, and others individuality.
Uniquely made character = Psalms 139.13-18.
Love = 1 Corinthians 13.4-8; James 2.8

Unfortunately, we don’t always get what God designs and intends for us. Thank you sin and free will. As a result of the fall of man, Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden, our parents and our parents parent’s and their parents before them have been passing down the effects of sin. The curse. We are brought into life and what we experience is the effects of sin and dysfunction. My mother and father were products of their parents and the effects of their dysfunction. They picked up the tools of communication and functioning and used them with their own children. Neither one of my parents sought after God and a life of holiness. I was raised without the influence of the church and the body of Christ to nurture and encourage me. My parents were on their own doing all that they knew how to do. But how does that equate with healthy? How does that equal insanity?

When a parent is dysfunctional, the child, who is like a sponge, absorbs the affliction [burdens and/or troubles] of the parent causing the child to lose needed mental and emotional development.. Gayle Hoone, L.I.F.E. ministries

We lose the ability to communicate. To feel. To think things thru. To love and be loved. We are a product of their sin and dysfunctional behavior. We are stunted. We grow up with wounds on our heart and unhealthy tapes playing in our head.
I grew up thinking that I was unwanted. Dumb. Ugly. In the way. My tapes say that no one likes me. I don’t belong. It must be me. I am no good. I am worthless. These are the messages that I grew up with embedded in my heart and mind. The seed of insanity and dysfunction were being sown all along.

Then I drag these tapes and messages into adulthood where they are in full gear. I then enter into relationships. What do you suppose happens? I try to undo the tapes and messages and prove that I am able. I enter into dysfunctional relationships where I hope to redeem myself and get it right. I set out to prove that I am just the opposite of the tapes and messages. I am not like my parents. But I have all the coping skills that I learned from them. I have all the patterns of the past. I have the model of dysfunction to follow. Insanity says that I can do it better if I try harder next time. Insanity says that if I just give more and try longer then the result will be different. And over and over the cycle repeats. Relationship after relationship. Failure after failure. And all the while I am still carrying the tapes in my head and the festering wounds on my heart.

To me the definition of sanity is realizing that I am not GOD. I don’t have to be. I don’t have to fix it. I don’t have to change THEM. I don’t have to. I don’t. My decisions are based on truth not feelings. My choices are made with my eyes wide open. Sanity to me is acting not “re-acting”.
So if we enter into recovery to get healthy. To be whole. To be functional. Why do you think that once we get a taste of the good stuff. The peace. The pain eases. The stress relieves. Why do you think that we want to keep going back into situations that are a pattern of the past? Why do we keep looking for affirmation from the family of origin that hurt us? Why do we keep seeking love and acceptance from the system that scarred us to begin with? Why do we attract abusers? Why do we attract the angry men? The alcoholics?

I recently spoke with my sponsee and she told me that her sister commented to her that, “She just wants her sister back”….and this made me wonder. What if the sister that she remembers is nothing but a shadow of dysfunction and a shadow of the past? What is the sister was a person made up of unhealthy coping skills. What if the sister is a completely different person when she comes out of recovery?

Recovery if it is done correctly, strips away to the bone the sick unhealthy part of us. The defenses and the coping skills that destroy are cut away. The heart is circumcised and filled. A whole new person emerges into life. Into sanity. Living life with full confidence in God that He is ultimately in control and that we are only responsible for our part and what He desires of us. What we emerge with is the Freedom to BE who and what HE created to begin with. We emerge a new creation complete with the awareness that “just for today” and “that was then and this is now”. We emerge with the ability to not react to feelings or tapes. But we live one breath at a time trusting that He will work out the results.

Turtle On A Half Shell....

2008-04-24T10:01:00.010-04:00

I have always described myself as a turtle. A recovery turtle. Simply said, that means that I usually move slowly. Make changes slowly. Make decisions painfully slowly. I usually know which way I am headed and the goal in sight but I just take a while to ‘get there’. I am steady and purposeful in my steps. I rarely falter in my steps and I never seem to change direction. I will however stop and rest. Make a pit stop and evaluate. I have been sitting at a pit stop for a time. Not spinning my recovery wheels or anything like that…just evaluating where it is that I am headed. I often will take a look back over my turtle shell and see where I have come from because I think it’s important to measure progress. It also gives me a chance to pat myself on the back for hard work done.

I was talking to one of my mentors at church recently about this turtle persona that I have taken on. I shared with her how I have been hurt by the leadership and other people that I serve on a ministry team with. She said “well, where is your shell?”……I had one of those “HUH???” moments. A moment of clarity. Where is my shell? Then it hit me square in the heart. I have been extremely vulnerable. I guess in order for me to function on a recovery type ministry team I have always believed that we have to be open. Honest. Direct. And vulnerable. Un-masked. WITHOUT the SHELL. I guess I was trained to be all of these things in the past ministry I served in. How can you minister to others that are hurt and broken if you cannot share you own hurts and brokenness? How can you show hope without being raw and real with the pain and the past that Christ has healed you from. So I have always functioned without my shell in this type of ministry. I have exposed myself and walked around with the expectation that I am safe in a ministry that is recovery focused. I walked around thinking that the others that I served with would be healthy. And as result I have come away with wounds. Deep wounds caused by people that I believed were there to help to bind up wounds not create them. I was deeply mistaken to think that the others were healthy. I was grossly mistaken when I believed that I was safe.

So I have some more sorting to do. After taking some time off to lick my wounds and get focused I know that I know that I am supposed to give away the hope and healing that I was given by Christ. I am called to teach. To teach and guide. So do I go back into this ministry still vulnerable without my shell? OR can I slip that protective shell on and still function? How can I be bare-assed honest with what I have when I feel unsafe and worried that I will be hurt by the team that I serve with? Can it be done and is it what Christ wants from me? Or does he want me to serve as HE did? Without shells or pretense? I am called to share in HIS suffering. He was hurt, rejected, called a heretic. Why should my life and my walk with Him be any different?

I have found in the church. This bride of Christ, that there are so many wounded broken people. ‘Stupid Church People’ MASK UP when they are in church. Very rarely do we see authenticity. Rarely do we see the real stuff. Rarely do we see the ugly of the brothers and sisters. Recovery ministries are where we need to get honest and throw the guts on the floor. It is where we are supposed to feel safe and cared about enough to do that. Do we in ministry and the church really need to offer a fake response to the real dirt? Or do we need to show the guts and glory of recovery? Just a thought or two. Can I give away what I have to the leaders when I am discredited? Christ was discredited by the Leaders of his day. How can I wash the feet of those I serve with and those that need help when I am not accepted? Christ was not accepted by the Leaders either. How can I stay healthy and focused when I am constantly looking and scanning for the next burning arrow that is flying towards me? And is it worth it to even bother with THIS ministry. THIS church? THIS team?

In true turtle form. I will take the time to sift and sort this one. Ponder. Ponder. I don’t have to ‘get there’ today. But is sure nice to enjoy the current pit stop that I have found. I am safe here. I can rest. I can be healed. I can wait for the next step.

Step 2: Came To Believe

2008-04-18T14:00:00.004-04:00

We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

I have always heard it explained this way:

First we CAME (we showed up)
Then we CAME TO (the denial lifted)
Then we CAME TO BELIEVE (that there was hope)

I want to break this down even more. The first 3 Steps are always the hardest. They are all about surrender. Surrender your way of trying to do life. Your way of trying to make it better. Make the pain stop. Make the insanity stop. Make the husband stop drinking. The kids stop acting out. Make the house quiet. Stop fixing everything. Stop being exhausted. Stop lying. Stop spending money. Stop eating. Stop NOT eating. Surrender is something that comes pretty hard to most.

Coming to believe that there is hope is a pretty scarey thing. We want to believe there is hope. That there is a God out there that cares. That there is freedom from striving and spinning and twirling and living out of control. Most people that enter recovery come in with some awareness that there is a Creator. It is the "coming to believe" that is the hard part. It requires us to trust. Trusting that there is a God and that WE matter to Him??

How can be get to a place where our need for a higher power is greater than the fear and disbelief of reaching out for Him? For some men and women the concept of a Heavenly Father is terrifying. Thier fathers here on earth have traumatized them, shamed them, hurt them, bruised thier souls, and crushed the very spirit inside them. Reaching out to a 'father' in heaven is beyond reason.

I'm going to get really honest here in these posts. I will not hide. I am a firm believer that there is no other reason for going thru what we go thru, other than to give away the hope that we recieved thru restoration of Christ. As I said I will draw from others and what they have to say, but I will draw from my own recovery the most. I am an incest survivor. My father took my innocence when I was 4 yrs old. Then he abandoned the family. So for me, the concept of a 'father' was something that I could not reach out to. But the really cool thing about the Father is that He provided me with his Son. Jesus. Jesus was the one I reached out to. I had to separate this in my mind before my heart could grasp it. Jesus walked me thru the darkest placest of my recovery. He fought for me. Stood up for me. Healed me.
Restored me.

That is what I "Came To Believe" and what He used to restore me to sanity.

What IS Normal??

2008-04-17T11:20:00.002-04:00

Here is a link to an awesome blog on what normal is. It is written by Gayle Hoone of L.I.F.E. Ministries of Tampa Bay FL. She has some other really insightful stuff on her website. Check it out! You won't be disappointed!

http://www.loveisforeternity.org/apps/articles/default.asp?articleid=38366&columnid=221