Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Where the hell did I go?

Tonight I came to a pivotal truth about me....I've gone missing.
Not all of me. Just fragments really. So it's time to backtrack to see what I dropped and where.
So like following a treasure hunt map...off I go.
I guess the first part of solving the mystery at hand is figuring out what is missing to begin with.
My sense of calm. Ya know that quiet insideness that says "all is well"?
Gone.
My sense of humor. I have a kick ass sense of humor...the giggles are missing.
Gone.
My confidence level in my personhood has somewhat slipped. That thing that you know you're dead on balls accurate in being who you are???
Gone.
So I think it has a lot to do with me being so OVERLY concerned about other peoples feelings that I become out of touch with my own. Co-dependent to the max I am.
I have to shift things back quick before I am lost in this forest of GONE another day longer.
Plan of action? Not a clue other than to unplug!!! If I know anything about anything...it's that I am me and I really really like me. But I don't like the me that can become that insane disconnected talking head! Eewww!!
Tonight will end by me going to sleep maybe just a little pissed off and more determined than ever to follow the breadcrumbs out of the forest and back to the land of MY living!

Friday, December 30, 2011

2012

My resolution is short and sweet...To Thine Own Self Be TRUE! Authenticity and nothing less. GodSpeed.

Sunday, December 25, 2011

So....a lot has changed

I am engaged to a wonderful man. In my 2nd year of sobriety. I now have 3 grand babies....still do not have contact other than rare texts with my daughter. But my God is working it out. The promises of AA always materialize if we work for them....and work for them I will! One day at a time!!

Friday, October 1, 2010

Dena


Last night my friend Dena lost the battle that she raged against lung cancer.
I pray for peace for her family and her husband.


Rest peaceful dear friend. I will see you in Heaven....

Monday, September 20, 2010

Behind The Blindfold


What is it that would make a beautiful young lady compromise herself by attaching herself to someone who everyone knows is no good? A liar. A sluggard. A felon.
What is it that would cause someone to continuously walk in denial?
What is it that would allow the systematic isolation on a loved one from the family that loves them?
What is it?
Love? Infatuation? Drugs? Lonliness?
She is someones daughter. She is someones grand-daughter. She is someones mommy.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

To My Grandbaby...


I just want you to know little guy that "Mimi" is here. I am praying for you and your mommy. I know that you must be sad and scared and confused at the way things are right now....but if I could tell you one thing and have it sink deep into your little 2 1/2 year old heart....it's that "Jesus Loves You" and He will make all things right in His time.

I am fighting to protect you and get you safe.

Love,

Mimi

Sunday, June 27, 2010



Ok. So wow!!

Changes. Some welcome. Some by complete surprise. Where do I start?

You know I have been thinking about my ex-fiance alot this week. Funny how things just always come back around for me. I wrote alot about him here on these pages. Things remembered are two things that he said that really wounded me. I thought that I had gotten past those words but for some reason those words have been brought to the forefront of my memory by some really cool turn of events.


There is an old saying that 'sticks and stones and break my bones but words can never hurt me'. I don't think that anything could be further from the truth.

Things said. Words said. Personal things.

Like my body reminded him of a 'burn victim' because I had so much extra skin. Look you CANNOT lose over 200lbs and NOT have extra skin.


And that I needed to fix my jacked up teeth. Not an easy task without dental insurance!

You know....it seemed to me then and to me now that if someone is in love with you they will love all of you and not point out the dents and scratches.


Well, here's how life has come around to touch on these things.......


I work for a dentist. And in the past year that dentist has put over $32K into my mouth and my smile. I have the most amazing teeth I could have ever dreamed of having. It changes my whole face. My whole smile is different. Just doing the work on my teeth has impacted me. I love to smile. I love to laugh out loud. And I don't feel like I have to hide part of my mouth. There were parts of me that came to life with this dental reconstruction.


The 'burn victim' part?? After having gastric bypass surgery, I developed a hernia. And as a result of this hernia the surgeon has decided and pushed for the removal of my skin and a TUMMY TUCK!!!! All of it is covered by my insurance. Amazing stuff. I go in the hospital on Tuesday for reconstuction.


So, as you can see.....I have been really amazed that life and God has been so good to me. Changes that I could not have anticipated or hoped for and YO.....here I am in the middle of being transformed.



On a community level. I have watched some of the closest kids in my life graduate high school this month. Man! Gotta tell you that this can make a girl feel old. These kids are heading on to college and the military. They are looking forward to what their next move is. I cannot remember doing this. I am so very proud of my 'adopted' kids. Every one of them.

I have also taken my college entrance exam last week. I scored pretty decently. I only have to do math for pre-reqs.

So by the time I hit 46 which is in July....I will have a new belly. A new mouth. And a new path to walk by going back to school. Life is interesting!

Monday, May 3, 2010

Fresh Stuff

Danm but it's been a really long time since I have been back here.

I have so much to say and I think that I just may make the time to do just that....but not today.

For now, I will just start with the fact that both my girls and my grandson are back home.

I am in a new home.
Have a brand new smile.
New job....actually....everything is pretty much new in my life since I spewed here last.

It's not always easy....but it's mine. And I'm working it. JUST FOR TODAY!!

It's really cool to find you again my dear old friend the blog page that I love so much.....

Thursday, January 1, 2009

See Ya!!!!

Yes!! I made it!
Made it through last year!
Glory upon glory.
Line upon line.
Here's to 2009 and all it may bring.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

KFC And Settling Dust


What an interesting year this has been for me. THE year of many changes is almost over. Thankfully, I am not expecting much else to change except that perhaps I will finally get another job or get called back to work. Let's keep hoping.


I am ready for a year of settling. I know that I emotionally need for all the dust to finally settle that has been so stirred up over the past year. I have always said that change is good. That change keeps me creative. Keeps me from getting stagnant. Yeah it sure does all that and more.


Sitting with my kids this Christmas Eve eating our traditional Kentucky Fried Chicken meal as we have done for the past 17 years or so.....I got so misty. Sitting there eating that chicken with my 3 grown children and my 8 mo old grandson just really got me to thinking that in this next year so much can happen. My kids are adults now. I pray that they will move on and find their own way. The pathway that the Father has for them. And I got to thinking that THIS Christmas Eve could very well be the last 'family'...'core family' thing that we ever have.


There will be son-in-laws, and eventually a daughter-in-law, more grand babies, and possible deployments. There will be many turns in the roads that my kids will travel. Roads that may lead them away from that traditional KFC thing that we cling to on Christmas Eve. And do you know what?? It will be alright. I know that no matter where they go or who they are with that that silly meal of KFC will always be a part of them and of "US" that we made. I know that they too will take that tradition with them and perhaps make it a part of their lives away from home.


It may sound oh so silly to get so emotionally over a bucket of chicken...but hey, a mom is a strange creature at times. I am no different. Thanks Colonel!!!

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Ode To Addiction

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I heard this song recently and all I could think of was addiction.
Who will watch over you??

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Looks Pretty Good On Paper


I have sent about 50 resumes out since in a month. It is CUT THROAT out there guys. I can barely remember the last time I heard of anyone being laid off. It just was unheard of. Now I know of at least 7 people in my circle that are out of work. Lots of people are just trying to make it.


Here is a kick in the pants: Did you know that unemployment pays about 33% of your former net pay?? That is insane. Insane to try to cover all the bills with that. It just doesn't stretch that far....


Anyway. In putting my resume together I realized that hey, I have alot of skills. Alot of stuff that is marketable. So now I am thinking outside the box and looking in places for work that I never thought would work for me. And ya know what??

I look pretty darn good on paper!! God is good. AND faithful. He will sustain. And when that job comes that is mine.....I'm jumping on it!!!

Thursday, November 20, 2008

What A Beautiful Place To Be


I have been going to my meetings. Back to step "1". And I have to say that I have gotten a whole lot of serenity. Peace with where I'm at. And my life in this season. JUST FOR TODAY.



It is a beautiful place for me to be. God is good.

Monday, November 3, 2008

Syncro-Blog: Leadership & Being A Single Mom


This is my virgin run at a syncro-blog but I figured that because of the topic: LEADERSHIP, it was one that I could not pass up. I started writing this with an agenda. I mean look at this. It is November 4th. The election is in full tilt and coming to an end. Millions of voters are casting their votes for the candidate that they want to win. They are exercising their rights as Americans to elect and have a say. They are casting their votes with the HOPE that their guy will win. I am hoping that my guy wins. But either way, whoever wins, I will pray for them. And I will hope. And I will expect.

And that is where this post will go. When I think of leadership, the first thing that comes to my mind is Hope. Then Expectation. Moving on from there is Responsibility. And on to Accountability.

In any leadership capacity whether it be in politics. Church. Corporate America. Or family. Where there is a leader. …there is Hope and Expectation. Healthy leadership should also be responsible and accountable.

In my blogs and on my pages I write about me and how my life is played out. How I process. How I think. Mistakes I make. What I feel. Today is no different.

I have had a lot of experience with leadership. Both with being led and being the leader.

In my life. I am the leader. I am the mom and the dad. I have had to pull up the edges. Carry the weight. Make the money stretch. Be the nurturer. Be the disciplinarian. I have both sides of the coin.

Now that my kids are older. My twins turn 18 next month. I have had to come to terms with things that I did and didn’t do. I have had to swallow mistakes made. Victories won. Hurdles jumped. Bridges crossed….some of them burned. I have had to take off the rose colored glasses that occasionally find their way back onto my face. And then look at where I am and where I am not. I also have to look at where my family is. And part of this inventory is seeing where I have fallen short.

I think I have gotten some things wrong.

In researching this topic. Mulling it over. I have seen that the kind of leadership I expect from those around me….I don’t always model.

***You cannot be a good leader unless you are a good follower***

I think of being a good follower and I gotta admit that I am rebellious. I push back hard and often. Humility isn’t exactly one of my greatest assets. Or strengths. I second guess. I look for a motive. And I expect much. Sometimes my heavy weight expectations exceed my light weight willingness to chip in.

**The best way to lead is to lead by example**

When I think of leading by example…I am a pretty crappy example at times. My kids see me at my very worst. They see the….. raving witch with no makeup…before my first cup of coffee….oh my God I’m late….where are my car keys….how am I going to cover this bill… will someone PLEASE get the phone…..Jack the dog don’t jump on my clean jeans….I don’t want to do another day of this….turn that TV down…..ME. Sometimes my example mirrors Rosanne Barr rather than Christ.

I have taken the responsibility and worn it well. Although at times I have become irresponsible. I have taken the word of God and the life that I should be leading to glorify Him and treaded very heavily and without regard to the effects of my foot steps in the eyes of my children. They have seen me overeat until I weighed over 400+ lbs. They have seen me binge drink and drunk. They have seen me lie to cover my mistakes or buy more time. They have heard me my take my Lord’s name in vain. They notice when I ignore the sin in their own lives instead of confronting it. They have seen the ugly. The sinner in me.

The accountability lies in my conscious and the conviction of the Holy Spirit within when taking this inventory. The accountability also lies with my children and the harm that I have caused. The stumbling blocks that I have placed for them by my example. That is a very hard thing to look at indeed. Taking an inventory of mistakes made by me in the leadership role of my family is downright devastating. I’m so glad that there is an answer and a light that shines in the tunnel of regret and shame.

That is HOPE. Hope that there is grace for me. And for the effects that I have passed on down the line to them. My gifts from God. My children. The HOPE that my sin and my ugly is covered under the blood of the Divine One. That there is hope for my kids to become BETTER than I was. Hope for them to learn from my mistakes. Hope that propels them to want to do things different and better than I did. HOPE that there is a new day tomorrow.

So there. I had intended to write about the role of leadership in politics. But GOD always has a say in my writing. He always has a way of bringing it back to me. Where it starts. The family is where good leaders are shaped and raised up. The leader of the family is there to spot and nurture the qualities and bends that shape who the children are to become. To help them fulfill their call. I may not have always done the right thing. Made the right choice. Covered all the bases. But I’d like to believe and hope that there is someone bigger than my stuff out there that can cover the bases that I missed. Jesus.
Here is a partial list of other bloggers that took part on this topic. The opinions and forums of which they wrote is as vast as the subject: Leadership. Take a look at what others had to say.
Jonathan Brink - Letter To The President
Adam Gonnerman - Aspiring to the Episcopate
Kai - Leadership - Is Servant Leadership a Broken Model?
Sally Coleman - In the world but not of it- servant leadership for the 21st Century Church
Alan Knox - Submission is given not taken
Joe Miller - Elders Lead a Healthy Family: The Future
Cobus van Wyngaard - Empowering leadership
Steve Hayes - Servant leadership
Geoff Matheson - Leadership
John Smulo - Australian Leadership Lessons
Helen Mildenhall - Leadership
Tyler Savage - Moral Leadership - Is it what we need?
Bryan Riley - Leading is to Listen and Obey
Susan Barnes - Give someone else a turn!
Liz Dyer - A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Polls…
Lionel Woods - Why Diverse Leadership is Good for America
Julie Clawson - Leadership Expectations
Ellen Haroutunian - A New Kind Of Leadership
Matt Stone - Converting Leadership
Steve Bradley - Lording or Leading?
Adam Myers - Two types of Leadership
Bethany Stedman - A Leadership Mosaic
Kathy Escobar - I’m Pretty Sure This Book Won’t Make It On The Bestseller List
Fuzzy Orthodoxy - Self Leadership
Sonja Andrews - Leadership In An Age of Cholera

Monday, October 27, 2008

It's Happening To ME!!



I got a phone call yesterday from my boss's wife. She said that Friday they are closing the office due to the state of ruin in the construction trade.
I work for a concrete contractor.
In short. I am being laid off.
My GOD what am I going to do now?

Friday, October 24, 2008

Random Thoughts On A Friday


The only thing wearing black doesn't pick up is men and money.....


There are two kinds of people, those who light up a room when they walk in....
and those who light up a room when the walk out!


What is it about road kill that makes you have to look at it when you drive by
and try to figure out what h*ll it WAS??

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Killed For Being The Hands Of Christ....


Taliban gunmen killed a Christian aid worker, Gayle Williams, 34, in Kabul on Monday, and the militant group said it targeted the woman because she was spreading her religion.

The dual South African-British national worked with handicapped Afghans and was killed in the western part of Kabul as she was walking to work around 8 a.m., officials said.
The gunmen, who were on a motorbike, shot the woman in the body and leg with a pistol, said Interior Ministry spokesman Zemeri Bashary.

The Taliban claimed responsibility for the slaying.

"This woman came to Afghanistan to teach Christianity to the people of Afghanistan," militant spokesman Zabiullah Mujahid told The Associated Press. "Our (leaders) issued a decree to kill this woman. This morning our people killed her in Kabul."

"She was a person who always loved the Afghans and was dedicated to serving those who are disabled," it said.
The group describes itself as a Christian charity registered in Britain. The Web site says it has been working with Afghan refugees since 1980 in Pakistan.

"SERVE Afghanistan's purpose is to express God's love and bring hope by serving the people of Afghanistan, especially the needy, as we seek to address personal, social and environmental needs," the site says.

Rina Vamberende, a spokeswoman for SERVE in Kabul, said the group is a Christian organization "but they are definitely not expressing this on purpose. They are here to do NGO (aid) work."

"It's not the case that they preach, not at all," she said.


Can someone tell me why this isn't talked about more? I have heard it said that there are more martyrs today than any other time in the history of the church. This woman was giving love and care to a nation and a people that were not her own. And what makes this so obscene to me is the attitude of those that killed her.

Free Coffee, Rainbow Bright, & Being A M.I.L.F.


I have come to the awareness that I have a strange life. Just when I think that I am just about to fall on my face broken....someone in my life reaches out and grabs ahold of me one way or another. The last couple of weeks have really been some tough days for me. Dealing with disappointment. Hurt feelings. Expecations that will never be met. Yesterday started my upswing outta da pit...

First, I have a 1 1/2 hr commute in the morning and my one coffee stop is the same WaWa day in and day out. It's really cool when you get up to the counter and you find out that this really handsome guy already paid for my cup and left before I could thank him. What a guy!! That just helped me to walk a little taller. Smile knowing that there are still really nice guys out there.

Then I pick up my daughter from a friends house later that night after another 1 1/2 hr commute and she pops in a CD that was burned just for me by my Rainbow Bright. Rainbow Bright is one of the most amazing young men I have ever known. Sweet. Beautiful. Loving. Weird. As a matter of fact his weirdness is one of the reasons that I call him Rainbow Bright and one of the reasons that I just adore this young man. He has a different facet to look at every time I see him. And there has never been a side that I have seen that is icky or unwanted. Raised by a single mom in the Marines this guy is some kind of special. So I rode home listening to my special CD and knowing that I am loved by this kid enough for him to pick songs just for me to enjoy. And WOW. Great stuff. Only Rainbow Bright would pack Cher, Jewel, Sixpence, The McDonalds song and a tune from West Side Story. Gotta love this kid!!

Then another friend of mine, Calli M stopped by and reminded me that I am a M.I.L.F. I just said "M aren't you gay?"...."yeah, he said...but if I weren't"......sometimes strange is a very good thing in my life. I don't think that I'd want it any other way.

I am so amazingly blessed. I posted a song below that came directly off of Rainbow Bright's burned CD to me. Who can listen to this song and NOT feel empowered???
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Monday, October 20, 2008

Officially Fall


It is officially Autumn.
The Homecoming football game was Friday which we WON!!
The Homecoming Dance was Saturday night.
My daughter Bekkah looked AMAZING!!!

Sunday afternoon was spent at the Pumpkin Farm!!
My grandson's very first trip to the Pumpkin Farm.
Sliced granny smith's with hot caramel sauce. Hot apple cider. The smell of burning leaves wafting through the air.
God I love this time of year.

64 SHOPPING DAYS until Christmas!! By the way....did you hear that K-Mart was re-instituting their 'Lay -A - Way' plan. Says something about the economy eh?
Santa will be on a very tight budget this year.