Relocating & Locating It All

I moved this weekend. We started loading the U-Haul at around 6pm Friday night. We were done unloading the truck at my new place by 9:38 the same night! Phenominal I know. I am still quite blown away by it all. Moving is one of those things that people say "you know who your true friends are when you move"....yep. Guess that has some ring of truth to it. I never really knew that I had so many friends. I am still quite blown away. In all...I had 21 people (including my kids) descend upon my old house and move me to my new house. 21 people.

I had my church community. Some of these people I have had issues with in the past. But they were there for me and my kids. Church People and I don't do so well. Perhaps I could try to see them as part of my community? Rather than Church People? Perhaps I have segregated myself from them to a degree that goes beyond what it should be? Perhaps I have in the past expected far too much from them? I am being pinged on the head by the Holy Spirit over this one. I know that these Church People love me and my family. I have seen it with my eyes and felt it brush past my heart. They care. They were there. They still are. Now the women are bringing me dinner all this week to fill in the gaps of my life. Splendid. I am really honored beyond words by this gesture. It lightens my load. It is something that if I was asked if I wanted I would say no. It just seems like a pretty intimate and profoundly personal thing to do....

It is alot. Prepare the food. Deliver it. It is risky. And to have someone do that for me is....very intense. SO the Pastor told them not to ask me if I wanted this gift. He just said to 'do it' and they are and I am feeling the pangs. It feels kind of dependant of me. I am depending on them. That scares me. Feelings aren't facts.

Of the 21 people that helped me move were my friends Paul and Dena. I have written about Dena's battle with cancer this year. She was there moving me. How humbling is that? Dena completed her chemo and radiation recently and the scans say that the hot spots are down to a 3. Dena is losing her hair but she is still so very beautiful. She is lovely. I just have to say that this woman inspires me. Hands down more than anyone has in a very very long time.

The Camping Goddess was there with a horse trailor of all things. I just had to laugh out loud at the thought of all my stuff where horeses stand. Do you know how many boxes a horse trailor can hold?? As long as the weight limit isn't over 1000lbs the Camping Goddess says....it'll be fine.

Most of my 'adopted' kids were there to help me. I love these children that are not my own. How my heart misses them already. Although I know that this quiet time in my life is a season. It is much needed. I will miss the kids hanging out and hanging with me. But for a time...I need some down time. My life is gearing up for what is to come.

Now that I am upacked. Pictures and curtains are hung. I am not functioning on automatic. I am physically exhausted. Mentally plucked. Emotionally drianed. Spiritually tazered. So much to process. I push and push and push myself so that my kids have 'stable' around them. I will function on little sleep so that my house is HOME for them as quickly as possible. I have to do this. I lessens the trauma for them...and me. I need safe. It isn't safe when everything is in boxes and bags.

For me the greatest blessing of all this whole moving experience is that two of my friends called me after the move just to tell me that I am loved. One said "Tara, there is no one that I know that doesn't love you"..."everyone just LOVES you". And the Camping Goddess...she is a spiritualist type of carma stuff kind of gal....says.."Did you see that energy and love that you attract? Do you see what you bring to others? You created that love that was poured out?......

It's a mystery to me how someone like me could have such wonderful friends and lovers of my heart and soul. It's a mystery. I am beyond comprehending being valued like I have been. It really puts a spin and shoots the shit out of the tapes that play inside my head that 'no one loves me".....ya know what I mean??

Shifts and changes. This is not the last change to come. There are more on the way.

Denying Paternity

So today we were at Family Court for child support for my granson Joe. The father has never seen Joe before. You would think that he would at least try to catch a glimpse of his beautiful son. But there was no effort.

When we went before the judge the case was withdrawn. Baby's Daddy is denying that he fathered my grandson. There will be DNA test ordered. This is an act of buying time.

My daughter was devastated. It killed me to see that happen to her. She came face to face with the man that abused her. The same man that tried to make her abort. And she was so strong. But then came his denial of his own son. And the devastation and broken heart of my daughter came to the surface.

As a mom trying to be there for her and Joe I felt so helpless. I couldn't change any of this. All there is to do now is pray that God will continue to hold both of them tightly in his hands.

There Will Always Be Music.....

When there aren't enough words ....there is always music

Hand Of Providence & Comfort

Father carry me thru this season. It hurts. I need your hand to sustain me. I need your shoulder to catch my tears. I need to know that the teens that I leave behind will remember your name that so freely flowed from my lips. Let them remember that you are there when I am not. Comfort my grieving heart as this new season of change comes and goes.

Season Of Uncertainty....More Changes

I've written so much about the "YEAR OF CHANGES" that God promised me this year. As we know, God is not a liar. He doesn't pull our leg. He doesn't exaggerate. He doesn't just blow smoke.

I know that He told me that morsel for a reason. I guess to maybe prepare me for what would be seasons of change. Seasons that turn and morph and develop into something that I never anticipated or expected.

Change is that I am moving. New house. New county. New everything. This is a pretty profound shift. You see one of the things that I love about where I lived is the community around me. My kids have established friends. Established network. Solid people that are just a few doors down. MY house was where all the teenagers would gather to hang. My house will now be empty. Some of the most amazing things in my life in the past year have happened in my neighborhood. The amazing things that I speak of are the relationships that have been built. Orphans that need me and cling to the love I give them. Lonely teen girls that call ME mommy. Young men that seek out the cushies that I have to pour over them. I will miss these young people so much. MY GOD my heart is pierced. I am grieving. I feel as tho I am leaving my own kids behind me!! I sometimes wish I didn't have to love so deeply and feel so much!! My own teens will be moving to a new area where they know NO ONE. I will continue to drive them out of county so that they can graduate with their friends this year. But the sands under our feet are shifting. It feels very frightening.

The NEW house is lovely. Cedar siding. Beautiful inside. And almost $400 a month cheaper than my last rental. This is the reason for the move. I am trying to be wise and fore think. In the end....what matters is that I will be able to provide a roof over my head and my kids heads. And for a period of time....my single mom daughter and my 4 mth old grandson. My family is everything and I have to cover them. But I am tired.

Another change. My hours at work have been cut. My salary will be reduced by $200 a wk. I am the sole support of my entire family. Single mom. No support from Absent Father. I am scared. I know that my God has always taken care of us. He has never let us fall or be without shelter, food, or a job. The uncertainty that I am carrying feels like a huge elephant sitting on my chest. I cannot take in a full breath without feeling its weight crush me.

All I can do is trust that this will all work out. Every step I take feels like I am going to fall off the edge. I am SO DAMN TIRED OF DOING ALL THIS ALONE!! I'm tired.

How much really can I handle? I am being compressed from all sides. I feel like King David surrounded by his enemies. And all I can do is scream out to HIM that holds all this in His hands. All I can do is trust that the God that told me there were many changes coming is well in control of orchestrating them all without leaving me bleeding, broken, and bruised.

The Heart - The Tongue - And The Abundance Of Them Both

I can't count the number of times that I have told my children..."You better check your heart"....meaning that they need to examine their motive for doing or wanting something.

Words like "Out of the abundance of the HEART the MOUTH speaks"...that's a good one to give to your raging PMSing teen age daughter!!

The truth is that the error isn't in the mouth or the tongue. It starts in the heart. The word is filled with scriptures that teach and correct and exhort us to be mindful of the tongue.

"There is power of life and death in the tongue"

James 3:3-4 (NLT) "We can make a large horse turn around and go wherever we want by means of a small bit in its mouth. And a tiny rudder makes a huge ship turn wherever the pilot wants it to go, even though the winds are strong."

Our mouth and words we speak. The words we throw. The words we spew are generated by the heart. The are formed in the secret place that no one sees. But the cool thing about all this is that the motive of the heart is always revealed eventually. Good or bad.

Sarcasm is a great tip off. If sarcasm is used often it tells me that there is unaddressed anger and bitterness that quite possibly is poisoning the heart. I was taught that SARCASM is a form of 'anger turned inward' which usually develops into depression. BUT if it is turned outward again it manifests itself as sarcasm. Something to think about. Do you know any really sarcastic people? If you are into analyzing things...think on this one! And then let me know what you come up with.

Joking and foolish talk is another clue into the heart. A fake smile. A way of hiding what is inside. A mask. A way of avoiding pain. A way to not address feelings that we don't think that matter to others. Or are afraid to risk sharing.

My kids can quote the above verses by heart and do often when they are talking to each other. Especially when one of them blows it. Get mouthy or disrespectful. Which for me is cool to watch as the mom that 'trained them up'.

BUT I wonder...perhaps I should have taken this further and challenged the heart of my kids. Not just addressed the tongue. Perhaps, I have taught them to hide that heart by leading them by my example. You know as a mom with twins graduating this year and a 24 yr old daughter hoping to FINALLY leave the nest....I wonder if I have truly prepared them for life 'out there'. I think that I have forgotten to give them a few tools for their toolboxes. Such as self examination. Lamenting over their path. Charting out where they are and where they want to be and HOW to get there.

I think I still have some work to do in the little time I have left with them under my roof......

For Erin....And Others

This is me before weighing in at 425+.

And me after at 190. Thanks for the strokes!!

You know I look back at this "Tara" and all I see is pain. I see a lady that was drowning herself in fat. I am barely visable. My face is distorted. My heart wrecked. This is the direct result of 15 years of a very unhappy marriage. And years of emotional abuse.

I once was lost...but now I'm found....