See Ya!!!!

Yes!! I made it!

Made it through last year!

Glory upon glory.

Line upon line.

Here's to 2009 and all it may bring.

KFC And Settling Dust

What an interesting year this has been for me. THE year of many changes is almost over. Thankfully, I am not expecting much else to change except that perhaps I will finally get another job or get called back to work. Let's keep hoping.

I am ready for a year of settling. I know that I emotionally need for all the dust to finally settle that has been so stirred up over the past year. I have always said that change is good. That change keeps me creative. Keeps me from getting stagnant. Yeah it sure does all that and more.

Sitting with my kids this Christmas Eve eating our traditional Kentucky Fried Chicken meal as we have done for the past 17 years or so.....I got so misty. Sitting there eating that chicken with my 3 grown children and my 8 mo old grandson just really got me to thinking that in this next year so much can happen. My kids are adults now. I pray that they will move on and find their own way. The pathway that the Father has for them. And I got to thinking that THIS Christmas Eve could very well be the last 'family'...'core family' thing that we ever have.

There will be son-in-laws, and eventually a daughter-in-law, more grand babies, and possible deployments. There will be many turns in the roads that my kids will travel. Roads that may lead them away from that traditional KFC thing that we cling to on Christmas Eve. And do you know what?? It will be alright. I know that no matter where they go or who they are with that that silly meal of KFC will always be a part of them and of "US" that we made. I know that they too will take that tradition with them and perhaps make it a part of their lives away from home.

It may sound oh so silly to get so emotionally over a bucket of chicken...but hey, a mom is a strange creature at times. I am no different. Thanks Colonel!!!

The Un-manageables

Step 1 consists of 2 parts.

a) Realizing that I am powerless over alcohol. Which isn't really all that hard to come to terms with once I got through my denial. I have realizeed that alcohol is powerful. Therefore I am powerless over it and its effects on my body, mind, spirit.

b) That my life had become unmanageable. Shit that stinks. I don't like this part because for one...I like control in my life. I'd like to think I got it all together. Who doesn't right? And I had never lost my job, my home, my family, my kids, or gotten a DUI. So to dig deeper like my sponsor has asked me to has been really something that I have avoided.

The unmanageable has some pretty covert places in my life. But I have to say that the thing that I had lost my ability to manage while drinking...was time.

I had spent many mornings nursing a hangover or a headache or still buzzing. I cannot even begin to count how many mornings I woke up and was still what I believe to be now....legally drunk. I had to postpone my activities until I was sober enough to drive my car. I had to make my kids wait for me to be able to drive safely before I (or they) could start the day. I let so many hours of my life just pass into yesterdays....not sitting with a glass of wine in my hand...but waking up to the effects of that wine in my hand.

I also let myself gain some weight back. There are hundreds of calories in a bottle of wine!! I let myself paste those calories to my belly, butt, and thighs. That sucks. And not being able to dismiss this away with a drink just brings me closer to the truth that my life had become unmanageble. And my self care in this area really was unmanageable. Now I have to correct it. And undo the damage that I did to myself.

My ability to make decisions was clouded.

My ability to think things through was tainted by a reality that wasn't always accurate.

This was further complicated by the guilt and shame and regret of drinking.

My emotional health wasn't exactly manageable either. I was a hot mess!!!!

This has all changed for me. I can't say that I got it all together at all and that by just admitting this is like waving a magic wand...but it sure doesn't suck that NOW I can call for a do-over and make the best of what is.

I am enjoying every morning that I wake up without a buzz. Or a headache. Or a hangover. I can now make plans and not have to think about how I will function so that no one knows. NOW I am totally free to just do life. I love waking up fresh every morning.

This is what my life used to be like before.

This is only part of the process. I am sure that more unmanageables will be revealed as I go through the steps and I am refined and restored. But for today...this is really deeper and wider than I ever thought it was. And I like the reward of the work knowing that I get a brand new start every moring to do it right and to keep doing the next right thing.

You Can Call Me Fred....

It's been a while since I actually sat down to blog. I have not been in the space or frame of mind or spirit to do it. A quick post here and there but nothing of real substance. I guess I have just really been taking time to let my eyes adjust to where the hell I have landed.

I have spent alot of time in the rooms of AA due to my reluctance to admit that I am an alcoholic. It has been really good for me. I have had many layers of denial stripped away and some scales have fallen from my eyes. I hear that happens with prayer....lol.

I have gotten a sponsor within the rooms and she has told me that I need to start to journal. This is the closest thing to journaling that I will get. So here is my very first official entry into my journey of recovery from alcoholism. This is what I have learned in the rooms that helped to bring me out of denial.

1) Normal people do not wake up in the morning and say to themselves....."I am NOT going to drink today". Can't tell you how many mornings that I have muttered this over my first cup of coffee and aspirin.

2) Normal people don't think of ways that they can buy alcohol on the way home from work and make excuses and justifications as to why they bought it in the first place so their family doesn't get mad. THIS one hit home hard. Most of the time I just told them that I could do whatever the F**k I wanted to do. Gotta say here.....they were still pissed.

3) Normal people don't pray the day through so that they can FINALLY have a drink and relax. Of course there were many many reasons as to why this was a necessary thing. Crappy boss. Traffic. etc... Truth is...I didn't need a reason at all.

4) If you think that you might have a problem with alcohol....you probably do. DUH!

5) Alcohol is a progressive disease. And it is a real disease. Listed in medical journals and taught in medical schools. It is actually listed by all insurance companies as being legitimate and they pay for treatment. The progressive part....even when we stop drinking the disease progresses. We can stop drinking for years and upon that first drink we are compelled to not stop again. We spiral quickly back to the point when we stopped drinking and came into the rooms.

That's alot of truth to swallow. I have been chewing it for a while and have let it slide down my throat and into my heart where it has to digest and become part of me.

In the Big Book of AA they talk about a guy named Fred. Fred was one of those fellows that danced in denial. He hadn't really lost alot of anything. Not his job. Not his family. Not his home. He was successful actually and quite happy. He could not say that his life was unmanageable. Neither could I. Until Fred started to black out. He would lose days and days of his life after he took that first drink after a long absence of alcohol. This awareness brought Fred into a life of sobriety.

You can call me Fred.

Ode To Addiction

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I heard this song recently and all I could think of was addiction.
Who will watch over you??

Looks Pretty Good On Paper

I have sent about 50 resumes out since in a month. It is CUT THROAT out there guys. I can barely remember the last time I heard of anyone being laid off. It just was unheard of. Now I know of at least 7 people in my circle that are out of work. Lots of people are just trying to make it.

Here is a kick in the pants: Did you know that unemployment pays about 33% of your former net pay?? That is insane. Insane to try to cover all the bills with that. It just doesn't stretch that far....

Anyway. In putting my resume together I realized that hey, I have alot of skills. Alot of stuff that is marketable. So now I am thinking outside the box and looking in places for work that I never thought would work for me. And ya know what??

I look pretty darn good on paper!! God is good. AND faithful. He will sustain. And when that job comes that is mine.....I'm jumping on it!!!

My 24 Hr Chip

I picked up a 24 hour chip at my meeting on Tuesday. For those of you who don't know what this chip stands for it is the first step to admitting that I have an issue with alcohol. That is no secret to others....but to me I had to open my eyes. Slowly cuz it hurt.

At AA they say that this 24 hr chip is the most important chip in the box. And when it is taken...they say to the recipient....."May you never get another one"....that is a pretty profound thing to say really. To get another one would mean that I would have to start over. And I hate to admit failure. I don't want to start over. I don't want to fail at this. Not at this.

I have learned that only 1 in 35 alcoholics find and stay in sobriety. Talk about a sobering statistic!! 1 in 35. The friend that took me to my first meeting picked up her 13 YEAR chip when I got my 24. Cool huh? So we will share the same sobriety date. Sisterhood deepens in the trenches of sobriety.

My friend commented that she had been in "those rooms of AA" for all those years and gone to hundreds of meetings and she has seen so many come and get sober and go back out to try to live with alcohol and many have died as a result. My God. Listening to the stories in "those rooms"....I realize that my brain is no different than the people that sit there beside me. And it scares me.

I am getting to the point that I can almost wrap my head around the fact that I cannot drink like an normal person. I cannot bargain my way through a glass or a bottle of wine no matter how strong I think I am. So here I am. Trying to embrace me and this thing that they call the baffling, cunning thing called alcohol and my powerlessness against it.

Being a follower of Christ I have a really huge chip on my shoulder that says that "I can do all things through Him".....we all know this one right??? But here is the thing...it isn't me doing anything but the surrendering part. The letting go part. I gotta tell you that this is a whole new direction that the Master has taken me.

JUST for today.....I am releasing my grip from my will....one figer at a time.