Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Standing On My Head

Taken From The Al-Anon ODAT:

Just for today I can try out new behavior. I can take the point of view that perhaps I have been given a lifetime to learn something about myself. Maybe life is a series of experiments in which some succeed and some fail. And in which the successes and the failures point the way to fresh experiments.

Just for today, I might try slightly changing some pattern of behavior that repeatedly causes me problems, just to see what happens. For example, if I have a habit of responding with a negative attitude to a particular person or situation-getting out of bed, working, requests for help, authority figures-I can try a different more positive response. I can think of it as research and learn from whatever happens.

**Suppose for today when I start lamenting about what is to become of me and my job and my family, that I take that thought captive and surrender it to the providence of God**


This day is all I have to work with. The past is gone and tomorrow is out of my reach. I will try to remember what a great gift this day can be and make full use of it.

Just for today I will look for ways to enjoy life-stop by a garden, try a new hobby, or call a good friend. I can look for humor. I can savor love. I can explore something new. Maybe just for today, I'll try standing on my head to see if I like the view.


**Suppose today instead of grieving for a husband and a helpmate that I relish and relax in the fact that singleness isn't so bad and that He has a purpose for me in my state of singleness**


Just for today.....I'm gonna try this and see how it feels to be doing a head stand.

Monday, September 29, 2008

Beauty From Pain

I was asked Friday afternoon to give my testimony at a women's conference the following day. I was a little freaked out because I couldn't find my testimony on disk or hard drive or paper! I almost didn't do it because I wasn't prepared. Then the voice came "be prepared in season and out of season"...and so I relied on HIM to do the work.

You know something really cool happens when I get out of the way. HE put the whole thing together from start to finish and it was better than my pre-planned way.

My testimony centers around my incest and broken marriages and food addiction. And that was all in there but this time HE wanted something different. He wanted me to focus on the healed relationship of THE Father and the daughter. This is one area that I never really can grasp the full scope of work that He has done in my heart and my life. It is just awesome. And at this conference the theme was 'healing'....wow how cool is God!!??

There are so many broken women saints of God out there. Still bruised and broken. And what is so cool about all this is that He can use me. He had his own agenda on Saturday. I am so honored to have been a small part of that. To give hope. Hope. So many broken women. Wounded by fathers, step fathers. That to give to them what the Father has done for me and tell them that HE WANTS to do that for them......it is humbling and tremendous to be a part of that. Moreover though is that beautiful piece that HE wants to be the Daddy. The Father. The Papa.

I use the song below in my testimony and it never ceases to amaze me when the Holy Spirit moves. Heart are touched. Hearts surrender. It is posted below. If you have never heard the song, "Beauty From Pain" by Superchick give it a listen and hear the hope.

Thank you Father for using me.

Friday, September 26, 2008

*Promptly*


Promptly is defined as:

1. Being on time; punctual.
2. Carried out or performed without delay.

Step 10 says: We continued to take a personal inventory
and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

I don't like this word. Promptly. And it has become very clear of late that I don't act promptly. I REACT promptly. But I don't ACT promptly. Given all the conflict and amends that I have been wading through lately I have come face to face with the fact that I would rather wait it out. Let it slide. Hide behind the slogan "live and let live" or "this too shall pass". I bury my little turtle head in the sand and hope that it will all go away. It doesn't of course. It festers and stirs and blocks my way eventually with bitterness and resentment.

It is a cowards way of dealing with conflict. Conflict with me usually arrives when my feelings get hurt or bruised. And the way I see it is that if I PROMPTLY get honest with my feelings then the conflict if any will be minimal. It can be worked out quickly. And the clean up may only require a paper towel rather than a demolition team.

So this season of conflict and resolution that seems to have engulfed me is for my benefit like it or not. If I am to mature and keep growing not only in my recovery but in my walk with the Master...then I must be able to resolve issues right away. With a minimum of fear. I can't help but to think about all the time and energy of my life that has been wasted on running from healing even while seeking it at the same time.
From what I have learned from this season is that I need to get real. Get honest. Get quick about it. And get brave with me. And take hold of resolution so that I can be free to move into the next season.
Promptly. I still don't like this word. But the definition is becoming very clear and purposeful to me today.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

The Super


Today I got word that one of the Supers on my jobsite drove to the top of the Bay Bridge and parked his car and jumped. He was one of the kindest gentlest men that I had to deal with. He was only 27 yrs old. He left behind a wife and 3 sons under the age of 5. They have not found his body yet. The state of MD installed 20 cameras along the Bay Bridge last year as a security measure and to deter jumpers. The cameras didn't save my Super.

I have posted this post several times and come back to it and added and edited and changed it. I deleted it too and now I am reposting. Suicide is such a tough subject to tackle. There are opinions and thoughts and views that just me and of myself had me all over the board today. The bottom line for me on this is that it is just so deeply sad. The loss of a good man. A fine Super. A great daddy and husband. A good friend. I cannot even begin to pick this apart and speculate what caused this to happen. All I can really write about is the effect is has on me.

I have to evaluate me. Where I am. I can't say for myself that I have never thought about suicide. I have. I have at times entertained ways to get me out of my pain and hopelessness. To just make it all stop. I am not there today. Just for today.

Please pray for this young wife and mother left behind to carry the load of a family alone. Pray that she has the strength and support system around her to help her sons deal with the loss of thier daddy. Pray for provision.
Update: After speaking with a mutual friend I found out that this man had been prescribed a medication that induced sever suicidal thoughts. He went back to his physician 2x's in 2 weeks to get it corrected to no avail. I have never heard of anyone having this problem with medication. It makes this event all the more tragic and incomprehendable.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Vertical Must Come First


I wrote yesterday about the vertical and horizontal relationship work that has been going on in my life. This horizontal stuff is tough especially when it involves pain and conflict that needs to be worked through.

Last night on my way home from meeting with a friend God showed me a pretty cool thing about the cross.

He showed me that the VERTICAL (our relationship with Him) beam must be there to support the HORIZONTAL (our relationships with others) beam. It was a pretty profound moment for me because I give Him all the credit for restoring that relationship between me and Him. It had to be stripped down, deconstructed, and then reconstructed from the bottom up before I could attempt to repair any other relationship in my life.
Kathy wrote on a syncroblog this month about Spiritual Maturity you can read it here. I think there is alot to be said for working through conflict with maturity. Spiritual maturity is walking by faith not by sight. I for one believe this also means walking by FACT and not FEELING. I usually do walk by feelings. I think that HE is showing me that there is something much deeper and richer when I reach for that maturity and pick up my cross and follow His lead especially where relationships are involved. Jesus was all about relationships and He still is.

So there it is....for today that is my focus. That main support beam that ALL the rest hinges on.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Three Things



Happy tagged me in a meme:


I have NEVER done this before so this is interesting. I don't know how to do this but this is my attempt....

Three Joys:
My 3 kids and my grandson and Jack my dog.
Good wine.
Long drives with Dave Matthews blaring on the car stereo.

Three Fears:
Snakes.
Not being accepted.
Not being able to support my family.

Three Goals:
Go back to school in January.
Get married.
Buy a house.

Three Current Obsessions:
Figuring out how to link back!!!
Getting my kids to graduate high school this year.
Keeping my budget.

Three Random Facts About Me:
I'm a Yankee by birth and Southerner by choice.
I hate watching TV.
I love to dance anytime, anywhere, to anything.

Normal everyday mom stuff aside from the Dave Matthews thing....His lyrics rock my world! Now I am supposed to tag someone else....hhhhmmmm. I'm gonna skip this part until I know how to do it. LOL.

**Vertical & Horizontal**


This past month has been a really tough month for me emotionally. I have had so much conflict to work through. Conflict with myself and within myself. Conflict with those I am in fellowship with. Conflict with friends. Conflict has just been a type of theme in my life lately. It's a strange season for me to walk in and try to make peace in. I don't like conflict. Conflict for me is a super stretching of the center of who I am. It hurts. I usually run from it. Fast.

But walking through this place of discord I have come to the realization that God has done so much for me in the VERTICAL relationship between me and Him. Looking back at the vertical relationship I had with God....it was one of conflict. I blamed Him for my incest. I blamed Him for my messy marriage. I blamed Him for not making my husband a good man. I blamed Him for all my unhappiness. From childhood to adulthood.
My relationship with God was one of me
standing shaking my fist at HIM
When I started my recovery years ago, one of the very first things that HE had to do was strip away all the blame. It took a few years for this to happen. Then HE had to establish trust in a very broken heart. This also took time. Over the years I have cried out to Him. He has heard. I reached and He met my seeking hands. I fell and He picked me up. And looking back at this vertical relationship and the condition it was in and where it is now only serves to astound me as how much work and restoration HE has done in my life and with me. On a father loving daughter level. I am restored with Him.

The painful places that I have been taken lately all have to do with the HORIZONTAL relationships in my life. The sideways stuff. This is some hard work. The relationships include my kids. My mom. My Church family. My friends. All horizontal relationships. Some merit more time than others. Some cost me more energy. Some make me cry out of frustration. Some just make me curl up in a ball and weep. Some just piss me off. But the true thing about this horizontal relationship stuff that it is all a reflection of where I am in my recovery and where HE is in my life.
Working on the Horizontal stuff brings me into a season where I have to take an inventory daily of what my part is in each conflict. Own it. Sometimes that means that I have to rip off scabs and the guts go back on the table for all to see. It is brass tacks vulnerability. And it hurts. It is terrifying at times. But I must walk here. If I am to be complete in my recovery. If I am to be whole and able to function in season and out of season....then I must go forward. No matter how painful the process. Because I know that HE knows what I need. HE knows where my weak spots are and HE knows how they must be restored. HE knows the end result. It requires that VERTICAL trust that has already established to be firmly in place for me to keep walking through this difficult season.
It reminds me of the steps. The steps are all about this VERTICAL and HORIZONTAL thing called life and relationships. THIS is a pretty cool thing for me to discover about the steps. And it kind of gives me a benchmark as to where my step work has returned. HORIZONTALLY.
I don't like it. I usually don't like the painful seasons He brings me through. But I know that He promised that I will not be here alone and that just like summer turning into fall... this season will pass and change into the next. It is what I have learned and what He has restored that matters.
My life verse has always been Phillippians 1:6....being confident that HE that began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it until the day of Christ Jesus. I will never be done until HE sees fit. I am a work in progress. Now it is my season of horizontal healing and work to be done.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Missing Pieces Of Me.....

As I make my way thru the conflict that is before me. One thought comes to my mind alot. Would this conflict be as great if I had had a father model before me growing up? I had a wonderful step father. He provided for me. Kept a roof over my head and offered stability. But there was no input offered to my mom as far as parenting. He never put his hands into the mix with me. Never really offered guidance either. Words of wisdom. No. And he never corrected me. I adore my step dad. I shudder to think what would have become of me and my mom had he not entered into my life.

But I also wonder, would I have had such a hard time dealing with authoritative figures had I had the strong male role modeled in my home as a child. As a teen. As a young woman? I find myself with places that still need to be filled within my heart. Places that I am sure a father would have filled. I am sure it is what THE Father designed. But it is amiss inside of me. I am seeking to have that restored. I don't know how that will come to pass. But it is painful to feel and painful to know that it is missing.

The one piece of advice my birth father gave me was:
"Never do anything that cannot be undone".....

And I come back to that alot.

Sometimes, a girl just needs her dad. This is one of those times.

Monday, September 15, 2008

Thru The Lookng Glass


Recently I have been weeding my way thru alot of conflict. Conflict over my job. Conflict over my schedule. Drive time. Money. Conflict with my teens over who rides "shot-gun". Most of these things I have some control over. As mom I can decide where the money goes or doesn't go. Who rides "shot-gun" when. Where I work and if I continue to hang on to what is left of my job.
But the most recent conflict that I have had to go thru has been within. One of the key cornerstones of my whole recovery walk has been to try to wade thru the feelings. For me feelings are never hard to find or figure out. I am so in touch with my feelings that at times they can steer me. Propel me in the wrong direction. Taint reality. Make me react in ways that are not appropriate to the situation. I may not show it on the outside but on the inside the reaction is under way.
The hardest thing for me to do is to establish if these are feelings or facts. If I feel rejected does that mean that I am being rejected? If I feel abandoned does that mean that I am being abandonded? If I feel like I am being pushed away does that mean that I am being pushed away or are my feelings so close to the top that the slightest waft of negativity brings about the shadows of the past. The rejection. The fear. The pain. The lonliness? A recent stuggle has reappeared in my life. A struggle that came to the surface earlier this year and I did not address it the recovery way. I picked up old tools of coping in the hopes that it would make it go away. That the pain would disappear. I worked thru the feelings but the conflict was never addressed. The feelings were not stuffed. They were shelved. Put in a jar with the lid tightly screwed in place and set high up on an emotional banking shelf. There they sat. Unaddressed. Until recently. That jar is now being placed back in my hands to examine. Address. And reconcile. Rejection. Not up to par. The feelings and the voices in my head tell me to RUN! RUN! Go away and be safe. RUN! Get outta there! Get away from the hurt. And here is the thing. I can run. Which is something that I don't do in the physical. BUT I do it in the emotional. I pack it up. Load the car and take off. Set my course for anyplace but where I am at that is causing the discomfort. I check out at the door. I emotionally distance myself from the conflict. I don't like conflict. I don't like anger. I don't like working it out.
CAN'T WE JUST ALL GET ALONG??
You'd think that with a marriage with a drug user. Twin teenagers. A messy life. And whose life isn't messy? You'd think that working thru conflict would be a simple thing for me. But is isn't. I want peace. I want serenity. I want to belong. I want to be accepted. I want to be needed. So when conflict comes my way it really does almost physically hurt me.
So with this season ( when did i step into this season?) of conflict. I have a choice. Actually several choices. A choice with each conflict that arises. Do I work thru the feelings. Get honest. Work toward resolution? Get to the reality of the situation? Find the facts and reason. Do some more reparenting? Or do I go on my emotion? Living one day at a time on feelings?
I guess that it is time for me to confront my fear and walk forward. Otherwise this stuff just resurfaces again and again. I have to choose to open the jar. Open the wound. Examine the original pain. And work towards restoration. I can't do that if I am constantly ducking and running for cover. I have to trust that God knows what He is doing in my life and that He will work all this out. I just have to be able to keep walking and not chicken out. I have to see this thru and see what the next season will be. Feelings or facts.
I sure hope it is one that has alot less baggage.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

May We Always Remember



To the men and women to risked everything to save those who needed them.
To the families of those who lost loved ones, moms, dads, sisters, brothers, children, we honor you for your pain and your loss.
May the scar heal and fade with time, know that your country grieves with you still.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Manila


MANILA, Philippines — Police say poverty apparently has driven a jobless woman in the Philippines to kill her three young children and herself by getting them to drink toilet cleaner before she also took some.
Senior Superintendent Raul Sandoval says the children, aged from 2 to 4, died before reaching a hospital, while their 32-year-old mother died while being treated.
He says the woman, Janeth Ponce, left a suicide note in her one-room shack in northern Laguna province's Magdalena township. She asked relatives to forgive her and care for her 7-year-old son who was sleeping in his grandmother's house at the time of the incident.
Police say her husband, a construction worker in Manila, had not sent money for a month.
One third of 90 million Filipinos lives below the poverty line of $1 a day.
I know that as a single mom I cringe when another bill comes in. I have no health insurance for me or the kids. My hours have been cut and that reduces my paycheck. Each week is an adventure in creative money make do's.
But this....this tore my heart out. I CANNOT imagine despair as great as this woman must have felt to cause her to take the life of her own children and herself. Father I am so fortunate to know that tonite my kids will eat dinner. They will have clean water to drink. They are safe and provided for.

My Senior Twins...Rebekkah & Zechariah




Tuesday, September 9, 2008

FYI....


Today I started my own private journal online.
It stinks that I have to once again HIDE my stuff for the sake of safety.

I am back to keeping secrets.
I will continue to blog about recovery and restoration.
I will not be silenced there.

Further Seems Forever

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The guys in this band used to come to my house for breakfast when they were in town just starting out on thier way to stardom. One of the best celebrations we had together was when they got signed by Tooth and Nail Records. Way back when....when I did street ministry in Tampa. They were just kids from Pompano Beach then. Dreaming of making something happen for themselves and in ministry. Young men 17/18? They are grown men now. The are still making it happen for themselves and ministry. They are daddies. Professionals. Artists. Free lancing for Christ.

I'm reminded today that HE moves in ways that we don't expect or anticipate. Thank you Father for that reminder that I am YOURS and LOVELY.

Friday, September 5, 2008

Biker Baby Strength

I've taken some pretty big hits in the past 2 weeks. Emotional. Financial. Psychological. And the way I see it is that I have a choice. I can either sit in all these things and what they present to me. Stew. Sit in all the trauma. OR. I can get on with it. I know that if I sit in it. Try to process all this stuff out...I will go into a funk. I tend to be an over-thinker. As a matter of fact I've kinda been there in that funk for a few days now. I don't like it. Not at all.

Today on the way to work I was listening to a Cheryl Crowes greatest hits and the song below hit me staight on. It called to my "Biker Baby" roots. It made me remember who I am. REALLY who I am. I'm a fighter. Not a quitter. I have the ability to just make it thru whatever comes my way.


There are lyrics in the song that pretty much state my claim:

...."I ain't taking shit off no one baby that was yesterday"....
....and I was like WTF am I sitting in this stuff for?? Get on with it or it will get on with you. So as a tribute to that HUGE moment of clarity.....Here is that song:

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Thursday, September 4, 2008

Pulling On The Reigns....

I have recently discovered a shift going on inside my heart. One that I am not accustomed to feeling. Pulling back. Protecting myself. It isn't a punishing thing at all. Or pushing away of others. I would call it being careful with me....not everyone is....careful with me. I have never been one to do things half-assed. It's an all or nothing life for me. Sometimes that isn't always altogether healthy right? Right. So in light of me becoming aware of what is around me and stepping out of denial and my magical thinking la la land....I will let the shift occur. I am not doing anything to create or propel this shift. This change. It has happened quite all by itself. I will however pray that my head and my heart come into alignment. Then I will be able to Reason. Find Logic. Step Back. Reign The Heart In. Protection. Safe for now.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

*Hear Me Roar....Meow*


I usually don't go public with my support of any candidate but I just have to go there today!! I've been reading alot about what people have to say about Sarah Palin. Christian women. Un-churched women. And do you know what surprises me? What stokes my fire up is that this woman has come under fire because she is a woman with 5 kids! And now she is a up and coming grandma! I just gotta say that these women who are claiming that Palin's family will suffer because of her career choice need to get a clue! I AM A SINGLE MOM....and my children suffer....so do I! Not because of my career choice but because life is messy and life is hard.
Her opponent has young children and he is not under fire for his career choice. JFK had small children and he is hailed as Americas favorite president. Since when is it different if a WOMAN is a main player instead of a MAN?? Why is that? Sounds like sexism to me. Coming from women!!
This is woman who also has a special needs child. This is a woman who also has a husband and a full family to support her and that child. I just don't get it.
Then there was this comment: "She obviously is under stress because her 17 yr old daughter is unwed and pregnant! She should spend more time at home".....can you say reality check??!! Since when do stay at home mothers have more stable children. Sounds like judgementalism to me!! Why is that women are harder on women than men are??
I am just so surprised that by all the work that women have done to propel themselves and pave the way for future generations to go forward untethered and yet this type of prejudice still is prevalent and goes unchecked. We women have had to fight for every right we have and we shouldn't allow stupid biased women to put their fellow ladies down with pat phrases and bottled views. Shame on them! So much for burning bras and women suffrage! It was only within the last 115 years that we were even GRANTED the right to vote. I said it once and I'll say it again....shame on them!
I will support Palin due to her ability to run a city. A state. A family. And her potential ability to run a country if it comes to that. She is a tough cookie. She is a fine example of a strong woman. A family girl. And a great example for our girls!! She is a "DO-er not just a SAY-er"!! Super PROPS to you Sarah!
I for one will support this pair of running mates. I was voting for McCain to begin with just because I like his answers and his track record. Integrity. Long suffering. But this sweetens the deal for me. I'm all for it. I think it was wise for McCain to go unorthodox and with his gut. I think it's time for a change absolutely....but I think it isn't what the other guy wants you to think.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Protecting The Abuser

Topic: Can you forgive yourself?

So many of us in recovery can accept God's forgiveness. We can forgive those who have hurt us. But why is it that victims of child abuse, sexual, physical, mental, emotional, incestuous abuse, have a hard time forgiving themselves.

It is a way that we further abuse ourselves. We are locked in guilt and shame.
It's also a way of protecting the abuser.

Sharing my story with another woman recently caused me to go back to that time in my recovery when I had to face my inner abused child. She was 4 years old. For years and years I believed somewhere in my heart that I was to blame. I caused it. There was something about me that asked for my incest to happen. I was too cute. I was too lovable. I was too trusting. I was somehow to blame for the abuse. I caused it.
In blaming my 'little girl' for somehow causing the incest to happen. I was protecting my abuser and deflecting any responsibility that they had for the abuse. It also kept me trapped in a cycle of being a victim.


The cornerstone of my healing from that abuse came when I was able to "rescue" my little girl from the hands of my abuser. I did this by first coming to the realization that a 4 year old little girl IS lovable. IS trusting. IS cute. IS innocent. She wants the touch of a daddy. A parent. She craves love...we were created this way. And when I started to notice other 4 year olds around me and how so very small and trusting they were. I started to see reality in a different way. I was able to embrace the wounded little girl still trapped in the cycle of abuse instead of blame her. I was able to set her free so healing, true, deep, wounded soul healing could begin.

Some of the things that I did to help me heal that broken wounded little girl inside was to write her letters. I wrote her poems. I got a picture of me when I was 4 yrs old and I framed it and I would talk to it. I would tell her over and over that it wasn't her fault. I started to somehow undo the damage to my heart and soul through words. It has taken step after step after step forward to get to the place where that little girl is no longer in pain. She is healed and free.

Deep emotional healing is possible. It hurts. But not as much as staying locked in a victim role.

My sponsee shared with me recently that she confronted her abusers. Her parents. No sexual abuse. Emotional. Verbal. She reacted and reacted and regressed every time her parents would visit. She would relapse. Become a victim. She was protecting her abusers by not making them accountable. When she confronted her abusers she just said this: I'm not afraid of you anymore. How powerful that fear is. And she was able to see the abuse as what it was. ABUSE. She didn't cause it. Didn't deserve it. And now she can go forward.


It's not always possible to confront our abusers. But I believe the greatest way that we protect them is with silence. We don't talk about it. We don't tell. We internalize somewhere inside us that we deserve it. Caused it. Made it happen. It is our fault.
I'm so proud of my sponsee for rocking that boat of family secrets. Now restoration can begin.

Regret & Loss


Regret. Going into the pockets of my heart to expose the things of the past that cannot be changed is so very painful. Going into the "I wishes" and the "If only's" and "Had I knowns" is frightening and painful. For the past 8 years of my life I have really tried to live my life in such a manner as to not leave any regrets in my wake. I have really tried to live my life in the now making good choices so that when I am 80 or 90 I will not be looking back saying "I wonder how that would've turned out if.." or "I wish I had had the courage to.....". And for the most part I have done alright with that. But I have recently come across a few things tucked inside that need some attention.

About a year ago my mom shared with me that she had alot of regret. Funny how I never suspected that from my mom. My MOM had regret? It was a very deep dark time for her when she exposed that to me. She said she was going to let that go. Surrender it. Release it. So when I discovered that there was some regret lingering inside of me naturally I called mom. I love my mom. She shared with me that she hasn't been able to let it all go but that some of the regret has been addressed and changed into a positive force in her life. Relationships lost and damaged are now restored. Instances that were once viewed as failures have been readdressed and are now something that can be learned from. However painful they are to deal with.

Relationship regrets are what I struggle with. I saw A Relationship Person From The Past this weekend. He called to ask for some books back that he had given me. So he stopped over to my house to pick them up. He looked terrible. He was all defenses. All masked. It sucked to see him like that. But I expected nothing less. This is a man who was the one of the singlemost important relationships in my life for 13 years. I know him so very well. And I realized as he pulled out of the driveway that I missed him. I used to be able to talk to him about anything and everything. But he changed this year and became someone that cannot be safe for me. He cannot be a friend. I know that the regret hinges on the past relationship that we had. If I had only known that it would end this way...... If only we had stopped......... The I wish things had been different..... And the sad part about it is that this is a huge loss in my life. A tearing away. And it hurts very deeply. Not the today loss part of it. But the loss of what WAS. The friendship. The familar. The safe. The loss of a very deep very intimate relationship. I will never have that again with this person.

A friend of mine shared with me that she is also struggling with regret. The "what if's" are plaguing her. Funny how when we choose to do the 'right thing' there are so many regrets. How can we follow our heart when the word says that it is evil and deceitful? How can we make decisions based on logic when emotion holds none of that? I think that the older I get the more regret surfaces. As a woman this is usually centered around my heart. Around relationships lost or passed over. Choices made based on the "for the family" or " for the church" or "it's the right thing to do". That regret seeps into the fibre of who we are. And it rests there. Builds a home. And we carry it with us.

Life is risky. Relationships are risky. Day to day is risky. We try to make the best choices possible. I know that in order to move forward in my life I have to expose the regrets. Deal with the losses. To bring them to the light so that they can be healed. Removed. Changed. To benefit me. I'm not entirely sure how to do this. But I know that I will grieve. I will feel the loss. I also know that an element of letting this all go is to give it to the Master. To surrender the broken wants. The broken dreams. The broken heart. And let him do his thing with it. I know that I also have to trust that he will make all things right.