Monday, October 27, 2008

It's Happening To ME!!

I got a phone call yesterday from my boss's wife. She said that Friday they are closing the office due to the state of ruin in the construction trade.
I work for a concrete contractor.
In short. I am being laid off.
My GOD what am I going to do now?

Friday, October 24, 2008

Random Thoughts On A Friday

The only thing wearing black doesn't pick up is men and money.....

There are two kinds of people, those who light up a room when they walk in....
and those who light up a room when the walk out!

What is it about road kill that makes you have to look at it when you drive by
and try to figure out what h*ll it WAS??

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Killed For Being The Hands Of Christ....

Taliban gunmen killed a Christian aid worker, Gayle Williams, 34, in Kabul on Monday, and the militant group said it targeted the woman because she was spreading her religion.

The dual South African-British national worked with handicapped Afghans and was killed in the western part of Kabul as she was walking to work around 8 a.m., officials said.
The gunmen, who were on a motorbike, shot the woman in the body and leg with a pistol, said Interior Ministry spokesman Zemeri Bashary.

The Taliban claimed responsibility for the slaying.

"This woman came to Afghanistan to teach Christianity to the people of Afghanistan," militant spokesman Zabiullah Mujahid told The Associated Press. "Our (leaders) issued a decree to kill this woman. This morning our people killed her in Kabul."

"She was a person who always loved the Afghans and was dedicated to serving those who are disabled," it said.
The group describes itself as a Christian charity registered in Britain. The Web site says it has been working with Afghan refugees since 1980 in Pakistan.

"SERVE Afghanistan's purpose is to express God's love and bring hope by serving the people of Afghanistan, especially the needy, as we seek to address personal, social and environmental needs," the site says.

Rina Vamberende, a spokeswoman for SERVE in Kabul, said the group is a Christian organization "but they are definitely not expressing this on purpose. They are here to do NGO (aid) work."

"It's not the case that they preach, not at all," she said.

Can someone tell me why this isn't talked about more? I have heard it said that there are more martyrs today than any other time in the history of the church. This woman was giving love and care to a nation and a people that were not her own. And what makes this so obscene to me is the attitude of those that killed her.

Free Coffee, Rainbow Bright, & Being A M.I.L.F.

I have come to the awareness that I have a strange life. Just when I think that I am just about to fall on my face broken....someone in my life reaches out and grabs ahold of me one way or another. The last couple of weeks have really been some tough days for me. Dealing with disappointment. Hurt feelings. Expecations that will never be met. Yesterday started my upswing outta da pit...

First, I have a 1 1/2 hr commute in the morning and my one coffee stop is the same WaWa day in and day out. It's really cool when you get up to the counter and you find out that this really handsome guy already paid for my cup and left before I could thank him. What a guy!! That just helped me to walk a little taller. Smile knowing that there are still really nice guys out there.

Then I pick up my daughter from a friends house later that night after another 1 1/2 hr commute and she pops in a CD that was burned just for me by my Rainbow Bright. Rainbow Bright is one of the most amazing young men I have ever known. Sweet. Beautiful. Loving. Weird. As a matter of fact his weirdness is one of the reasons that I call him Rainbow Bright and one of the reasons that I just adore this young man. He has a different facet to look at every time I see him. And there has never been a side that I have seen that is icky or unwanted. Raised by a single mom in the Marines this guy is some kind of special. So I rode home listening to my special CD and knowing that I am loved by this kid enough for him to pick songs just for me to enjoy. And WOW. Great stuff. Only Rainbow Bright would pack Cher, Jewel, Sixpence, The McDonalds song and a tune from West Side Story. Gotta love this kid!!

Then another friend of mine, Calli M stopped by and reminded me that I am a M.I.L.F. I just said "M aren't you gay?"...."yeah, he said...but if I weren't"......sometimes strange is a very good thing in my life. I don't think that I'd want it any other way.

I am so amazingly blessed. I posted a song below that came directly off of Rainbow Bright's burned CD to me. Who can listen to this song and NOT feel empowered???

Monday, October 20, 2008

Officially Fall

It is officially Autumn.
The Homecoming football game was Friday which we WON!!
The Homecoming Dance was Saturday night.
My daughter Bekkah looked AMAZING!!!

Sunday afternoon was spent at the Pumpkin Farm!!
My grandson's very first trip to the Pumpkin Farm.
Sliced granny smith's with hot caramel sauce. Hot apple cider. The smell of burning leaves wafting through the air.
God I love this time of year.

64 SHOPPING DAYS until Christmas!! By the way....did you hear that K-Mart was re-instituting their 'Lay -A - Way' plan. Says something about the economy eh?
Santa will be on a very tight budget this year.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Fighting The Fires At Home....

I got bad news last week from my sons high school. He will not graduate this year. He is missing 3 credits and even if he takes summer school next June, it will not be enough. I am devastated. My mommy heart broken. My twins were supposed to do this together. Together.

I don't know how this got past me or slipped through my fingers. The guidance counselor didn't catch it either. I feel like I have let my son down. So much has gone on in the past year that for whatever reason....I let this get by me.

Seeing my son give up on trying is the worse part for me. He is a math genius. He loves numbers. He wanted to get his PhD in Mathematics. I'm grieving. For him and me.
After working with the guidance office and with my son, we decided to let him take the test to get his GED. I think it is the only way that he will be able to salvage what is left of his self esteem and his future. He can still go to school. Helping him to find options through my loss, through my pain, through my feelings of failure has not been easy. Lifting him up when I feel like my own arms are broken feels futile at best.
Looking back at my life for the last 5 years.....I realize that there are several things that I have had to come to terms with.

1) That my job as a single mom is one of fighting fires. I fight those huge blazes pretty well, but when I focus on them and try to stop the damage and the flames from devastating my family... the smoldering little fires continue to burn and destroy. But I cannot focus on them. I have all my attention on the blaze in front of me.

2) I fight these fires alone. There is no one by my side. I know...I know...God is there. But I sure could use someone else with a hose to stand beside me. Someone to get my back. Someone to close in on the little fires. I need relief.

3) I am not a hero. I never claimed to be. I cannot even save myself. I cannot save my son. Or my daughters. Or my grandson.

4) There is always a Plan B. I don't think that it is the perfect plan. But a plan is a plan is a plan. Now we work it.

5) My life has evolved into a life of letting go. Letting go of dreams. Letting go of relationships. Letting go of what I want. Letting go of what little was left of trying to parent by myself.

And now, like a fire fighter I must go and sift through the ashes and find out why this fire started. How it ignited. And how I can rebuild what has been toasted. It is going to be a dirty job.

Abba Mommy.....Abba Daddy

Pam over at How God Messed Up My Religion had a great post Sunday with and interview she did with William Young the author of The Shack. That post led me back to Porpoise Diving Life and a post that they did about the feminine side of God. Erin from Decompressing Faith also contributed on this subject. I just had to process through and offer my cup on what I believe encompasses the gender identity of God.
Because I just finished reading The Shack this subject is very fresh for me. In the book Papa (aka God) appears to Mack as an African American woman. God does this He tells Mack, because God had to break through Mack's preconceived ideas about God and Macks religiousness. Papa had to cut through Mack's head to get to his heart. Sounds like a mom there.
And later on in the book Papa appears as a man...."because you will need a father for this part". Indicating to me that a different essence of God is needed. Father strength is needed. Physical and emotional and mental.
What I believe is that Papa knows what me need. When we need it. He meets us where He knows He needs to. He provides. This is mercy.
I am not altogether certain that God has a gender.
He is love. He said, I AM.
Another thing that struck me as profound in this book was Papa's explanation as to why the 'father' role is so pivotal to a broken creation. The role of father is broken. From sin. From the fall. I can only speak for myself in this. Because of my own relationship with my father. A very broken tattered relationship....I could not accept the Father's love for me. I had no concept. I just couldn't go there with my heart. I went to Jesus. Then the Father met me there. In the book, Mack's relationship with his abusive birth father was restored. This father piece is huge for us. It's huge for this broken bride and broken world. Restoration is the cry of the Father's heart.
I truly believe that God is the mother and the father. He created them both. Male and Female. In HIS image. I think to go through this relationship with God and never experience the fullness of both leaves a void in the intimacy of that relationship. It's not whole.
People get offended when they hear that God has feminine qualities. But that is where this gets messy. Feminine is a word that implies soft. Weak. It is man's perception of the word feminine that creates the roadblock. Not Gods willingness to express.

Monday, October 13, 2008

The Shack

Ok. So I have finally purchased my copy of The Shack by William Paul Young. I cracked it yesterday and finished it today. I'm glad it was a slow day at my office. There is just so much to digest in this book.

The first thing that I keep coming back to is this exchange:

"Jesus?" he whispered as his voice choked. "I feel so lost."
A hand reached out and squeezed his, and didn't let go.
"I know, Mack. But it's not true. I am with you and I'm not lost. I'm sorry it feels that way, but hear me clearly. You are not lost."

And there it is. The deepest cry of my heart in my life right now. I FEEL so lost. And inside I choke back the sobs that grip my heart. Trying to find that hand that I need to be squeezing mine. I have some real deep sorting going on. I think I have gotten some stuff mixed up with my humanness.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Outside The Box.....

There has been so much talk about the recent surge in this elections escalation of campaign smear tactics that to go there on my blog seems silly so I'll skip it for now. But about the debate last night??
But I do want to process about my kids. My kids and politics. My kids have opinions. My kids watched the debate last night with me. And the really really cool part of that whole process is that we actually discussed it all the way to school. A whole 30 minute ride with no music blaring from the car stereo. No Ipods plugged into 17 yr old ears. No noses stuck in books. Just really cool adult conversation between me and my twins who are almost 18 yrs old.
And I think what is so strange about all this is that I have always tried to encourage my kids to think for themselves. And they DO!! Cool huh?? And come to find out....they are pretty conservative kids. With pretty conservative thoughts. And pretty conservative opinions. Wow.
What concerns my kids the most in this election? It ain't health care. It ain't protecting the borders. It ain't education. It's making sure that our military service personnel are taken care of over there in Iraq or Pakistan. That is the concern. What will happen to them? What will happen to those people if we leave too soon?
These kids are also pretty free thinkers when it comes to establishing justice and freedom for those who have none. Blessed are the peacemakers. They are also strongly concerned about the state of the environment and the damage that the whole world is doing....not just us here in the US. But the whole world. My kids are thinking global!! Double wow!!
My kids are thinking outside the box and about others. I just gotta tell you that it's really cool for me the mom to see this. I guess it's because for me the mom, I see the totally self indulgent, self entitlement, and the hands out of my kids. They are a product of this world no matter how hard I tried to teach them otherwise. They are selfish. Self absorbed. All about me kind of young adults. And to see them thinking outside the box of Bekkah and Zech...well, it's just cool for me.
I don't know who will become the next President of the United States. Time will tell. But I really feel good about the way that my kids have positioned themselves to THINK things through. They don't just swallow what is handed to them...ever. So in the next election my kids will vote. They will walk forward. Cast their lots. And I will know...really KNOW that they have really thought their vote through and cast that lot with full knowledge of what they are doing with full conviction of heart.
Gee, that feels really good.

Dena Update

My beautiful friend Dena is still fighting her battle with lung cancer.
Dena was scheduled to begin her 4th round of chemo this week but could not because her blood count is not cooperating.
Please remember Dena in your prayers.
She is a tough cookie and a fighter for sure.
Dena has a LifeLine link on my page where you can leave her a message.
She has asked that you pray for her. Thank you friends...

Because I CAN!

Just for this morning...I'm perplexed by situations and circumstances. It's a MYSTERY to me. And it makes it harder and harder to breathe.

Monday, October 6, 2008

It's A Kiss Kind Of Day

JUST for today....I am having some food issues. I want to cram all of the Hershey Kisses I can into my mouth and let them melt slowly. I want to pack my cheeks so full of these things that I look like a chipmunk.

JUST for today....

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Waiting For The Debate

I can never remember a time in my life when I was so in to politics. Is this a getting older thing?
Tonite is the Biden *V* Palin Debate. I will pop some corn and bust out the soda and me and the kids have a TV Date to enjoy this much anticipated event.
My twins will do reports on this for their government class. What a moment for America that this election with bring a first no matter who wins. A black president or a woman vice president. This election has gotten my kids interested in the issues and they discuss them and they argue them. It's so cool that all these years I have taught my kids to think for themselves and now I get to watch them do it and defend their opinions. Good stuff!!!

Celebrate Recovery

If you haven't heard about a program called Celebrate Recovery go here and listen. This is the only Christ centered recovery program in my area and it may well be the only Christ centered program available in your area. Celebrate Recovery is used world wide and there are weekly meetings in every state. The link for resources and meetings is below.

Celebrate Recovery is based on the Beatitudes from the sermon on the mount. It was started by John Baker who is a Pastor serving with Pastor Rick Warren at Saddleback Church.

The program also utilizes the 12 Steps.

After listening to the "What is Celebrate Recovery" link above and you decide that this may be something that you would like to investigate further, you can visit the the Celebrate Recovery Website and see if there is a local meeting in your area.