Sunday, December 28, 2008

KFC And Settling Dust


What an interesting year this has been for me. THE year of many changes is almost over. Thankfully, I am not expecting much else to change except that perhaps I will finally get another job or get called back to work. Let's keep hoping.


I am ready for a year of settling. I know that I emotionally need for all the dust to finally settle that has been so stirred up over the past year. I have always said that change is good. That change keeps me creative. Keeps me from getting stagnant. Yeah it sure does all that and more.


Sitting with my kids this Christmas Eve eating our traditional Kentucky Fried Chicken meal as we have done for the past 17 years or so.....I got so misty. Sitting there eating that chicken with my 3 grown children and my 8 mo old grandson just really got me to thinking that in this next year so much can happen. My kids are adults now. I pray that they will move on and find their own way. The pathway that the Father has for them. And I got to thinking that THIS Christmas Eve could very well be the last 'family'...'core family' thing that we ever have.


There will be son-in-laws, and eventually a daughter-in-law, more grand babies, and possible deployments. There will be many turns in the roads that my kids will travel. Roads that may lead them away from that traditional KFC thing that we cling to on Christmas Eve. And do you know what?? It will be alright. I know that no matter where they go or who they are with that that silly meal of KFC will always be a part of them and of "US" that we made. I know that they too will take that tradition with them and perhaps make it a part of their lives away from home.


It may sound oh so silly to get so emotionally over a bucket of chicken...but hey, a mom is a strange creature at times. I am no different. Thanks Colonel!!!

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Ode To Addiction

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I heard this song recently and all I could think of was addiction.
Who will watch over you??

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Looks Pretty Good On Paper


I have sent about 50 resumes out since in a month. It is CUT THROAT out there guys. I can barely remember the last time I heard of anyone being laid off. It just was unheard of. Now I know of at least 7 people in my circle that are out of work. Lots of people are just trying to make it.


Here is a kick in the pants: Did you know that unemployment pays about 33% of your former net pay?? That is insane. Insane to try to cover all the bills with that. It just doesn't stretch that far....


Anyway. In putting my resume together I realized that hey, I have alot of skills. Alot of stuff that is marketable. So now I am thinking outside the box and looking in places for work that I never thought would work for me. And ya know what??

I look pretty darn good on paper!! God is good. AND faithful. He will sustain. And when that job comes that is mine.....I'm jumping on it!!!

Thursday, November 20, 2008

What A Beautiful Place To Be


I have been going to my meetings. Back to step "1". And I have to say that I have gotten a whole lot of serenity. Peace with where I'm at. And my life in this season. JUST FOR TODAY.



It is a beautiful place for me to be. God is good.

Monday, November 3, 2008

Syncro-Blog: Leadership & Being A Single Mom


This is my virgin run at a syncro-blog but I figured that because of the topic: LEADERSHIP, it was one that I could not pass up. I started writing this with an agenda. I mean look at this. It is November 4th. The election is in full tilt and coming to an end. Millions of voters are casting their votes for the candidate that they want to win. They are exercising their rights as Americans to elect and have a say. They are casting their votes with the HOPE that their guy will win. I am hoping that my guy wins. But either way, whoever wins, I will pray for them. And I will hope. And I will expect.

And that is where this post will go. When I think of leadership, the first thing that comes to my mind is Hope. Then Expectation. Moving on from there is Responsibility. And on to Accountability.

In any leadership capacity whether it be in politics. Church. Corporate America. Or family. Where there is a leader. …there is Hope and Expectation. Healthy leadership should also be responsible and accountable.

In my blogs and on my pages I write about me and how my life is played out. How I process. How I think. Mistakes I make. What I feel. Today is no different.

I have had a lot of experience with leadership. Both with being led and being the leader.

In my life. I am the leader. I am the mom and the dad. I have had to pull up the edges. Carry the weight. Make the money stretch. Be the nurturer. Be the disciplinarian. I have both sides of the coin.

Now that my kids are older. My twins turn 18 next month. I have had to come to terms with things that I did and didn’t do. I have had to swallow mistakes made. Victories won. Hurdles jumped. Bridges crossed….some of them burned. I have had to take off the rose colored glasses that occasionally find their way back onto my face. And then look at where I am and where I am not. I also have to look at where my family is. And part of this inventory is seeing where I have fallen short.

I think I have gotten some things wrong.

In researching this topic. Mulling it over. I have seen that the kind of leadership I expect from those around me….I don’t always model.

***You cannot be a good leader unless you are a good follower***

I think of being a good follower and I gotta admit that I am rebellious. I push back hard and often. Humility isn’t exactly one of my greatest assets. Or strengths. I second guess. I look for a motive. And I expect much. Sometimes my heavy weight expectations exceed my light weight willingness to chip in.

**The best way to lead is to lead by example**

When I think of leading by example…I am a pretty crappy example at times. My kids see me at my very worst. They see the….. raving witch with no makeup…before my first cup of coffee….oh my God I’m late….where are my car keys….how am I going to cover this bill… will someone PLEASE get the phone…..Jack the dog don’t jump on my clean jeans….I don’t want to do another day of this….turn that TV down…..ME. Sometimes my example mirrors Rosanne Barr rather than Christ.

I have taken the responsibility and worn it well. Although at times I have become irresponsible. I have taken the word of God and the life that I should be leading to glorify Him and treaded very heavily and without regard to the effects of my foot steps in the eyes of my children. They have seen me overeat until I weighed over 400+ lbs. They have seen me binge drink and drunk. They have seen me lie to cover my mistakes or buy more time. They have heard me my take my Lord’s name in vain. They notice when I ignore the sin in their own lives instead of confronting it. They have seen the ugly. The sinner in me.

The accountability lies in my conscious and the conviction of the Holy Spirit within when taking this inventory. The accountability also lies with my children and the harm that I have caused. The stumbling blocks that I have placed for them by my example. That is a very hard thing to look at indeed. Taking an inventory of mistakes made by me in the leadership role of my family is downright devastating. I’m so glad that there is an answer and a light that shines in the tunnel of regret and shame.

That is HOPE. Hope that there is grace for me. And for the effects that I have passed on down the line to them. My gifts from God. My children. The HOPE that my sin and my ugly is covered under the blood of the Divine One. That there is hope for my kids to become BETTER than I was. Hope for them to learn from my mistakes. Hope that propels them to want to do things different and better than I did. HOPE that there is a new day tomorrow.

So there. I had intended to write about the role of leadership in politics. But GOD always has a say in my writing. He always has a way of bringing it back to me. Where it starts. The family is where good leaders are shaped and raised up. The leader of the family is there to spot and nurture the qualities and bends that shape who the children are to become. To help them fulfill their call. I may not have always done the right thing. Made the right choice. Covered all the bases. But I’d like to believe and hope that there is someone bigger than my stuff out there that can cover the bases that I missed. Jesus.
Here is a partial list of other bloggers that took part on this topic. The opinions and forums of which they wrote is as vast as the subject: Leadership. Take a look at what others had to say.
Jonathan Brink - Letter To The President
Adam Gonnerman - Aspiring to the Episcopate
Kai - Leadership - Is Servant Leadership a Broken Model?
Sally Coleman - In the world but not of it- servant leadership for the 21st Century Church
Alan Knox - Submission is given not taken
Joe Miller - Elders Lead a Healthy Family: The Future
Cobus van Wyngaard - Empowering leadership
Steve Hayes - Servant leadership
Geoff Matheson - Leadership
John Smulo - Australian Leadership Lessons
Helen Mildenhall - Leadership
Tyler Savage - Moral Leadership - Is it what we need?
Bryan Riley - Leading is to Listen and Obey
Susan Barnes - Give someone else a turn!
Liz Dyer - A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Polls…
Lionel Woods - Why Diverse Leadership is Good for America
Julie Clawson - Leadership Expectations
Ellen Haroutunian - A New Kind Of Leadership
Matt Stone - Converting Leadership
Steve Bradley - Lording or Leading?
Adam Myers - Two types of Leadership
Bethany Stedman - A Leadership Mosaic
Kathy Escobar - I’m Pretty Sure This Book Won’t Make It On The Bestseller List
Fuzzy Orthodoxy - Self Leadership
Sonja Andrews - Leadership In An Age of Cholera

Monday, October 27, 2008

It's Happening To ME!!



I got a phone call yesterday from my boss's wife. She said that Friday they are closing the office due to the state of ruin in the construction trade.
I work for a concrete contractor.
In short. I am being laid off.
My GOD what am I going to do now?

Friday, October 24, 2008

Random Thoughts On A Friday


The only thing wearing black doesn't pick up is men and money.....


There are two kinds of people, those who light up a room when they walk in....
and those who light up a room when the walk out!


What is it about road kill that makes you have to look at it when you drive by
and try to figure out what h*ll it WAS??

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Killed For Being The Hands Of Christ....


Taliban gunmen killed a Christian aid worker, Gayle Williams, 34, in Kabul on Monday, and the militant group said it targeted the woman because she was spreading her religion.

The dual South African-British national worked with handicapped Afghans and was killed in the western part of Kabul as she was walking to work around 8 a.m., officials said.
The gunmen, who were on a motorbike, shot the woman in the body and leg with a pistol, said Interior Ministry spokesman Zemeri Bashary.

The Taliban claimed responsibility for the slaying.

"This woman came to Afghanistan to teach Christianity to the people of Afghanistan," militant spokesman Zabiullah Mujahid told The Associated Press. "Our (leaders) issued a decree to kill this woman. This morning our people killed her in Kabul."

"She was a person who always loved the Afghans and was dedicated to serving those who are disabled," it said.
The group describes itself as a Christian charity registered in Britain. The Web site says it has been working with Afghan refugees since 1980 in Pakistan.

"SERVE Afghanistan's purpose is to express God's love and bring hope by serving the people of Afghanistan, especially the needy, as we seek to address personal, social and environmental needs," the site says.

Rina Vamberende, a spokeswoman for SERVE in Kabul, said the group is a Christian organization "but they are definitely not expressing this on purpose. They are here to do NGO (aid) work."

"It's not the case that they preach, not at all," she said.


Can someone tell me why this isn't talked about more? I have heard it said that there are more martyrs today than any other time in the history of the church. This woman was giving love and care to a nation and a people that were not her own. And what makes this so obscene to me is the attitude of those that killed her.

Free Coffee, Rainbow Bright, & Being A M.I.L.F.


I have come to the awareness that I have a strange life. Just when I think that I am just about to fall on my face broken....someone in my life reaches out and grabs ahold of me one way or another. The last couple of weeks have really been some tough days for me. Dealing with disappointment. Hurt feelings. Expecations that will never be met. Yesterday started my upswing outta da pit...

First, I have a 1 1/2 hr commute in the morning and my one coffee stop is the same WaWa day in and day out. It's really cool when you get up to the counter and you find out that this really handsome guy already paid for my cup and left before I could thank him. What a guy!! That just helped me to walk a little taller. Smile knowing that there are still really nice guys out there.

Then I pick up my daughter from a friends house later that night after another 1 1/2 hr commute and she pops in a CD that was burned just for me by my Rainbow Bright. Rainbow Bright is one of the most amazing young men I have ever known. Sweet. Beautiful. Loving. Weird. As a matter of fact his weirdness is one of the reasons that I call him Rainbow Bright and one of the reasons that I just adore this young man. He has a different facet to look at every time I see him. And there has never been a side that I have seen that is icky or unwanted. Raised by a single mom in the Marines this guy is some kind of special. So I rode home listening to my special CD and knowing that I am loved by this kid enough for him to pick songs just for me to enjoy. And WOW. Great stuff. Only Rainbow Bright would pack Cher, Jewel, Sixpence, The McDonalds song and a tune from West Side Story. Gotta love this kid!!

Then another friend of mine, Calli M stopped by and reminded me that I am a M.I.L.F. I just said "M aren't you gay?"...."yeah, he said...but if I weren't"......sometimes strange is a very good thing in my life. I don't think that I'd want it any other way.

I am so amazingly blessed. I posted a song below that came directly off of Rainbow Bright's burned CD to me. Who can listen to this song and NOT feel empowered???
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Monday, October 20, 2008

Officially Fall


It is officially Autumn.
The Homecoming football game was Friday which we WON!!
The Homecoming Dance was Saturday night.
My daughter Bekkah looked AMAZING!!!

Sunday afternoon was spent at the Pumpkin Farm!!
My grandson's very first trip to the Pumpkin Farm.
Sliced granny smith's with hot caramel sauce. Hot apple cider. The smell of burning leaves wafting through the air.
God I love this time of year.

64 SHOPPING DAYS until Christmas!! By the way....did you hear that K-Mart was re-instituting their 'Lay -A - Way' plan. Says something about the economy eh?
Santa will be on a very tight budget this year.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Fighting The Fires At Home....


I got bad news last week from my sons high school. He will not graduate this year. He is missing 3 credits and even if he takes summer school next June, it will not be enough. I am devastated. My mommy heart broken. My twins were supposed to do this together. Together.

I don't know how this got past me or slipped through my fingers. The guidance counselor didn't catch it either. I feel like I have let my son down. So much has gone on in the past year that for whatever reason....I let this get by me.

Seeing my son give up on trying is the worse part for me. He is a math genius. He loves numbers. He wanted to get his PhD in Mathematics. I'm grieving. For him and me.
After working with the guidance office and with my son, we decided to let him take the test to get his GED. I think it is the only way that he will be able to salvage what is left of his self esteem and his future. He can still go to school. Helping him to find options through my loss, through my pain, through my feelings of failure has not been easy. Lifting him up when I feel like my own arms are broken feels futile at best.
Looking back at my life for the last 5 years.....I realize that there are several things that I have had to come to terms with.

1) That my job as a single mom is one of fighting fires. I fight those huge blazes pretty well, but when I focus on them and try to stop the damage and the flames from devastating my family... the smoldering little fires continue to burn and destroy. But I cannot focus on them. I have all my attention on the blaze in front of me.

2) I fight these fires alone. There is no one by my side. I know...I know...God is there. But I sure could use someone else with a hose to stand beside me. Someone to get my back. Someone to close in on the little fires. I need relief.

3) I am not a hero. I never claimed to be. I cannot even save myself. I cannot save my son. Or my daughters. Or my grandson.

4) There is always a Plan B. I don't think that it is the perfect plan. But a plan is a plan is a plan. Now we work it.

5) My life has evolved into a life of letting go. Letting go of dreams. Letting go of relationships. Letting go of what I want. Letting go of what little was left of trying to parent by myself.

And now, like a fire fighter I must go and sift through the ashes and find out why this fire started. How it ignited. And how I can rebuild what has been toasted. It is going to be a dirty job.

Abba Mommy.....Abba Daddy


Pam over at How God Messed Up My Religion had a great post Sunday with and interview she did with William Young the author of The Shack. That post led me back to Porpoise Diving Life and a post that they did about the feminine side of God. Erin from Decompressing Faith also contributed on this subject. I just had to process through and offer my cup on what I believe encompasses the gender identity of God.
Because I just finished reading The Shack this subject is very fresh for me. In the book Papa (aka God) appears to Mack as an African American woman. God does this He tells Mack, because God had to break through Mack's preconceived ideas about God and Macks religiousness. Papa had to cut through Mack's head to get to his heart. Sounds like a mom there.
And later on in the book Papa appears as a man...."because you will need a father for this part". Indicating to me that a different essence of God is needed. Father strength is needed. Physical and emotional and mental.
What I believe is that Papa knows what me need. When we need it. He meets us where He knows He needs to. He provides. This is mercy.
I am not altogether certain that God has a gender.
He is love. He said, I AM.
Another thing that struck me as profound in this book was Papa's explanation as to why the 'father' role is so pivotal to a broken creation. The role of father is broken. From sin. From the fall. I can only speak for myself in this. Because of my own relationship with my father. A very broken tattered relationship....I could not accept the Father's love for me. I had no concept. I just couldn't go there with my heart. I went to Jesus. Then the Father met me there. In the book, Mack's relationship with his abusive birth father was restored. This father piece is huge for us. It's huge for this broken bride and broken world. Restoration is the cry of the Father's heart.
I truly believe that God is the mother and the father. He created them both. Male and Female. In HIS image. I think to go through this relationship with God and never experience the fullness of both leaves a void in the intimacy of that relationship. It's not whole.
People get offended when they hear that God has feminine qualities. But that is where this gets messy. Feminine is a word that implies soft. Weak. It is man's perception of the word feminine that creates the roadblock. Not Gods willingness to express.

Monday, October 13, 2008

The Shack


Ok. So I have finally purchased my copy of The Shack by William Paul Young. I cracked it yesterday and finished it today. I'm glad it was a slow day at my office. There is just so much to digest in this book.


The first thing that I keep coming back to is this exchange:


"Jesus?" he whispered as his voice choked. "I feel so lost."
A hand reached out and squeezed his, and didn't let go.
"I know, Mack. But it's not true. I am with you and I'm not lost. I'm sorry it feels that way, but hear me clearly. You are not lost."

And there it is. The deepest cry of my heart in my life right now. I FEEL so lost. And inside I choke back the sobs that grip my heart. Trying to find that hand that I need to be squeezing mine. I have some real deep sorting going on. I think I have gotten some stuff mixed up with my humanness.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Outside The Box.....


There has been so much talk about the recent surge in this elections escalation of campaign smear tactics that to go there on my blog seems silly so I'll skip it for now. But about the debate last night??
But I do want to process about my kids. My kids and politics. My kids have opinions. My kids watched the debate last night with me. And the really really cool part of that whole process is that we actually discussed it all the way to school. A whole 30 minute ride with no music blaring from the car stereo. No Ipods plugged into 17 yr old ears. No noses stuck in books. Just really cool adult conversation between me and my twins who are almost 18 yrs old.
And I think what is so strange about all this is that I have always tried to encourage my kids to think for themselves. And they DO!! Cool huh?? And come to find out....they are pretty conservative kids. With pretty conservative thoughts. And pretty conservative opinions. Wow.
What concerns my kids the most in this election? It ain't health care. It ain't protecting the borders. It ain't education. It's making sure that our military service personnel are taken care of over there in Iraq or Pakistan. That is the concern. What will happen to them? What will happen to those people if we leave too soon?
These kids are also pretty free thinkers when it comes to establishing justice and freedom for those who have none. Blessed are the peacemakers. They are also strongly concerned about the state of the environment and the damage that the whole world is doing....not just us here in the US. But the whole world. My kids are thinking global!! Double wow!!
My kids are thinking outside the box and about others. I just gotta tell you that it's really cool for me the mom to see this. I guess it's because for me the mom, I see the totally self indulgent, self entitlement, and the hands out of my kids. They are a product of this world no matter how hard I tried to teach them otherwise. They are selfish. Self absorbed. All about me kind of young adults. And to see them thinking outside the box of Bekkah and Zech...well, it's just cool for me.
I don't know who will become the next President of the United States. Time will tell. But I really feel good about the way that my kids have positioned themselves to THINK things through. They don't just swallow what is handed to them...ever. So in the next election my kids will vote. They will walk forward. Cast their lots. And I will know...really KNOW that they have really thought their vote through and cast that lot with full knowledge of what they are doing with full conviction of heart.
Gee, that feels really good.

Dena Update


My beautiful friend Dena is still fighting her battle with lung cancer.
Dena was scheduled to begin her 4th round of chemo this week but could not because her blood count is not cooperating.
Please remember Dena in your prayers.
She is a tough cookie and a fighter for sure.
Dena has a LifeLine link on my page where you can leave her a message.
She has asked that you pray for her. Thank you friends...

Because I CAN!



Just for this morning...I'm perplexed by situations and circumstances. It's a MYSTERY to me. And it makes it harder and harder to breathe.

Monday, October 6, 2008

It's A Kiss Kind Of Day


JUST for today....I am having some food issues. I want to cram all of the Hershey Kisses I can into my mouth and let them melt slowly. I want to pack my cheeks so full of these things that I look like a chipmunk.


JUST for today....

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Waiting For The Debate


I can never remember a time in my life when I was so in to politics. Is this a getting older thing?
Tonite is the Biden *V* Palin Debate. I will pop some corn and bust out the soda and me and the kids have a TV Date to enjoy this much anticipated event.
My twins will do reports on this for their government class. What a moment for America that this election with bring a first no matter who wins. A black president or a woman vice president. This election has gotten my kids interested in the issues and they discuss them and they argue them. It's so cool that all these years I have taught my kids to think for themselves and now I get to watch them do it and defend their opinions. Good stuff!!!

Celebrate Recovery


If you haven't heard about a program called Celebrate Recovery go here and listen. This is the only Christ centered recovery program in my area and it may well be the only Christ centered program available in your area. Celebrate Recovery is used world wide and there are weekly meetings in every state. The link for resources and meetings is below.

Celebrate Recovery is based on the Beatitudes from the sermon on the mount. It was started by John Baker who is a Pastor serving with Pastor Rick Warren at Saddleback Church.

The program also utilizes the 12 Steps.

After listening to the "What is Celebrate Recovery" link above and you decide that this may be something that you would like to investigate further, you can visit the the Celebrate Recovery Website and see if there is a local meeting in your area.

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Standing On My Head

Taken From The Al-Anon ODAT:

Just for today I can try out new behavior. I can take the point of view that perhaps I have been given a lifetime to learn something about myself. Maybe life is a series of experiments in which some succeed and some fail. And in which the successes and the failures point the way to fresh experiments.

Just for today, I might try slightly changing some pattern of behavior that repeatedly causes me problems, just to see what happens. For example, if I have a habit of responding with a negative attitude to a particular person or situation-getting out of bed, working, requests for help, authority figures-I can try a different more positive response. I can think of it as research and learn from whatever happens.

**Suppose for today when I start lamenting about what is to become of me and my job and my family, that I take that thought captive and surrender it to the providence of God**


This day is all I have to work with. The past is gone and tomorrow is out of my reach. I will try to remember what a great gift this day can be and make full use of it.

Just for today I will look for ways to enjoy life-stop by a garden, try a new hobby, or call a good friend. I can look for humor. I can savor love. I can explore something new. Maybe just for today, I'll try standing on my head to see if I like the view.


**Suppose today instead of grieving for a husband and a helpmate that I relish and relax in the fact that singleness isn't so bad and that He has a purpose for me in my state of singleness**


Just for today.....I'm gonna try this and see how it feels to be doing a head stand.

Monday, September 29, 2008

Beauty From Pain

I was asked Friday afternoon to give my testimony at a women's conference the following day. I was a little freaked out because I couldn't find my testimony on disk or hard drive or paper! I almost didn't do it because I wasn't prepared. Then the voice came "be prepared in season and out of season"...and so I relied on HIM to do the work.

You know something really cool happens when I get out of the way. HE put the whole thing together from start to finish and it was better than my pre-planned way.

My testimony centers around my incest and broken marriages and food addiction. And that was all in there but this time HE wanted something different. He wanted me to focus on the healed relationship of THE Father and the daughter. This is one area that I never really can grasp the full scope of work that He has done in my heart and my life. It is just awesome. And at this conference the theme was 'healing'....wow how cool is God!!??

There are so many broken women saints of God out there. Still bruised and broken. And what is so cool about all this is that He can use me. He had his own agenda on Saturday. I am so honored to have been a small part of that. To give hope. Hope. So many broken women. Wounded by fathers, step fathers. That to give to them what the Father has done for me and tell them that HE WANTS to do that for them......it is humbling and tremendous to be a part of that. Moreover though is that beautiful piece that HE wants to be the Daddy. The Father. The Papa.

I use the song below in my testimony and it never ceases to amaze me when the Holy Spirit moves. Heart are touched. Hearts surrender. It is posted below. If you have never heard the song, "Beauty From Pain" by Superchick give it a listen and hear the hope.

Thank you Father for using me.

Friday, September 26, 2008

*Promptly*


Promptly is defined as:

1. Being on time; punctual.
2. Carried out or performed without delay.

Step 10 says: We continued to take a personal inventory
and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

I don't like this word. Promptly. And it has become very clear of late that I don't act promptly. I REACT promptly. But I don't ACT promptly. Given all the conflict and amends that I have been wading through lately I have come face to face with the fact that I would rather wait it out. Let it slide. Hide behind the slogan "live and let live" or "this too shall pass". I bury my little turtle head in the sand and hope that it will all go away. It doesn't of course. It festers and stirs and blocks my way eventually with bitterness and resentment.

It is a cowards way of dealing with conflict. Conflict with me usually arrives when my feelings get hurt or bruised. And the way I see it is that if I PROMPTLY get honest with my feelings then the conflict if any will be minimal. It can be worked out quickly. And the clean up may only require a paper towel rather than a demolition team.

So this season of conflict and resolution that seems to have engulfed me is for my benefit like it or not. If I am to mature and keep growing not only in my recovery but in my walk with the Master...then I must be able to resolve issues right away. With a minimum of fear. I can't help but to think about all the time and energy of my life that has been wasted on running from healing even while seeking it at the same time.
From what I have learned from this season is that I need to get real. Get honest. Get quick about it. And get brave with me. And take hold of resolution so that I can be free to move into the next season.
Promptly. I still don't like this word. But the definition is becoming very clear and purposeful to me today.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

The Super


Today I got word that one of the Supers on my jobsite drove to the top of the Bay Bridge and parked his car and jumped. He was one of the kindest gentlest men that I had to deal with. He was only 27 yrs old. He left behind a wife and 3 sons under the age of 5. They have not found his body yet. The state of MD installed 20 cameras along the Bay Bridge last year as a security measure and to deter jumpers. The cameras didn't save my Super.

I have posted this post several times and come back to it and added and edited and changed it. I deleted it too and now I am reposting. Suicide is such a tough subject to tackle. There are opinions and thoughts and views that just me and of myself had me all over the board today. The bottom line for me on this is that it is just so deeply sad. The loss of a good man. A fine Super. A great daddy and husband. A good friend. I cannot even begin to pick this apart and speculate what caused this to happen. All I can really write about is the effect is has on me.

I have to evaluate me. Where I am. I can't say for myself that I have never thought about suicide. I have. I have at times entertained ways to get me out of my pain and hopelessness. To just make it all stop. I am not there today. Just for today.

Please pray for this young wife and mother left behind to carry the load of a family alone. Pray that she has the strength and support system around her to help her sons deal with the loss of thier daddy. Pray for provision.
Update: After speaking with a mutual friend I found out that this man had been prescribed a medication that induced sever suicidal thoughts. He went back to his physician 2x's in 2 weeks to get it corrected to no avail. I have never heard of anyone having this problem with medication. It makes this event all the more tragic and incomprehendable.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Vertical Must Come First


I wrote yesterday about the vertical and horizontal relationship work that has been going on in my life. This horizontal stuff is tough especially when it involves pain and conflict that needs to be worked through.

Last night on my way home from meeting with a friend God showed me a pretty cool thing about the cross.

He showed me that the VERTICAL (our relationship with Him) beam must be there to support the HORIZONTAL (our relationships with others) beam. It was a pretty profound moment for me because I give Him all the credit for restoring that relationship between me and Him. It had to be stripped down, deconstructed, and then reconstructed from the bottom up before I could attempt to repair any other relationship in my life.
Kathy wrote on a syncroblog this month about Spiritual Maturity you can read it here. I think there is alot to be said for working through conflict with maturity. Spiritual maturity is walking by faith not by sight. I for one believe this also means walking by FACT and not FEELING. I usually do walk by feelings. I think that HE is showing me that there is something much deeper and richer when I reach for that maturity and pick up my cross and follow His lead especially where relationships are involved. Jesus was all about relationships and He still is.

So there it is....for today that is my focus. That main support beam that ALL the rest hinges on.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Three Things



Happy tagged me in a meme:


I have NEVER done this before so this is interesting. I don't know how to do this but this is my attempt....

Three Joys:
My 3 kids and my grandson and Jack my dog.
Good wine.
Long drives with Dave Matthews blaring on the car stereo.

Three Fears:
Snakes.
Not being accepted.
Not being able to support my family.

Three Goals:
Go back to school in January.
Get married.
Buy a house.

Three Current Obsessions:
Figuring out how to link back!!!
Getting my kids to graduate high school this year.
Keeping my budget.

Three Random Facts About Me:
I'm a Yankee by birth and Southerner by choice.
I hate watching TV.
I love to dance anytime, anywhere, to anything.

Normal everyday mom stuff aside from the Dave Matthews thing....His lyrics rock my world! Now I am supposed to tag someone else....hhhhmmmm. I'm gonna skip this part until I know how to do it. LOL.

**Vertical & Horizontal**


This past month has been a really tough month for me emotionally. I have had so much conflict to work through. Conflict with myself and within myself. Conflict with those I am in fellowship with. Conflict with friends. Conflict has just been a type of theme in my life lately. It's a strange season for me to walk in and try to make peace in. I don't like conflict. Conflict for me is a super stretching of the center of who I am. It hurts. I usually run from it. Fast.

But walking through this place of discord I have come to the realization that God has done so much for me in the VERTICAL relationship between me and Him. Looking back at the vertical relationship I had with God....it was one of conflict. I blamed Him for my incest. I blamed Him for my messy marriage. I blamed Him for not making my husband a good man. I blamed Him for all my unhappiness. From childhood to adulthood.
My relationship with God was one of me
standing shaking my fist at HIM
When I started my recovery years ago, one of the very first things that HE had to do was strip away all the blame. It took a few years for this to happen. Then HE had to establish trust in a very broken heart. This also took time. Over the years I have cried out to Him. He has heard. I reached and He met my seeking hands. I fell and He picked me up. And looking back at this vertical relationship and the condition it was in and where it is now only serves to astound me as how much work and restoration HE has done in my life and with me. On a father loving daughter level. I am restored with Him.

The painful places that I have been taken lately all have to do with the HORIZONTAL relationships in my life. The sideways stuff. This is some hard work. The relationships include my kids. My mom. My Church family. My friends. All horizontal relationships. Some merit more time than others. Some cost me more energy. Some make me cry out of frustration. Some just make me curl up in a ball and weep. Some just piss me off. But the true thing about this horizontal relationship stuff that it is all a reflection of where I am in my recovery and where HE is in my life.
Working on the Horizontal stuff brings me into a season where I have to take an inventory daily of what my part is in each conflict. Own it. Sometimes that means that I have to rip off scabs and the guts go back on the table for all to see. It is brass tacks vulnerability. And it hurts. It is terrifying at times. But I must walk here. If I am to be complete in my recovery. If I am to be whole and able to function in season and out of season....then I must go forward. No matter how painful the process. Because I know that HE knows what I need. HE knows where my weak spots are and HE knows how they must be restored. HE knows the end result. It requires that VERTICAL trust that has already established to be firmly in place for me to keep walking through this difficult season.
It reminds me of the steps. The steps are all about this VERTICAL and HORIZONTAL thing called life and relationships. THIS is a pretty cool thing for me to discover about the steps. And it kind of gives me a benchmark as to where my step work has returned. HORIZONTALLY.
I don't like it. I usually don't like the painful seasons He brings me through. But I know that He promised that I will not be here alone and that just like summer turning into fall... this season will pass and change into the next. It is what I have learned and what He has restored that matters.
My life verse has always been Phillippians 1:6....being confident that HE that began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it until the day of Christ Jesus. I will never be done until HE sees fit. I am a work in progress. Now it is my season of horizontal healing and work to be done.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Missing Pieces Of Me.....

As I make my way thru the conflict that is before me. One thought comes to my mind alot. Would this conflict be as great if I had had a father model before me growing up? I had a wonderful step father. He provided for me. Kept a roof over my head and offered stability. But there was no input offered to my mom as far as parenting. He never put his hands into the mix with me. Never really offered guidance either. Words of wisdom. No. And he never corrected me. I adore my step dad. I shudder to think what would have become of me and my mom had he not entered into my life.

But I also wonder, would I have had such a hard time dealing with authoritative figures had I had the strong male role modeled in my home as a child. As a teen. As a young woman? I find myself with places that still need to be filled within my heart. Places that I am sure a father would have filled. I am sure it is what THE Father designed. But it is amiss inside of me. I am seeking to have that restored. I don't know how that will come to pass. But it is painful to feel and painful to know that it is missing.

The one piece of advice my birth father gave me was:
"Never do anything that cannot be undone".....

And I come back to that alot.

Sometimes, a girl just needs her dad. This is one of those times.

Monday, September 15, 2008

Thru The Lookng Glass


Recently I have been weeding my way thru alot of conflict. Conflict over my job. Conflict over my schedule. Drive time. Money. Conflict with my teens over who rides "shot-gun". Most of these things I have some control over. As mom I can decide where the money goes or doesn't go. Who rides "shot-gun" when. Where I work and if I continue to hang on to what is left of my job.
But the most recent conflict that I have had to go thru has been within. One of the key cornerstones of my whole recovery walk has been to try to wade thru the feelings. For me feelings are never hard to find or figure out. I am so in touch with my feelings that at times they can steer me. Propel me in the wrong direction. Taint reality. Make me react in ways that are not appropriate to the situation. I may not show it on the outside but on the inside the reaction is under way.
The hardest thing for me to do is to establish if these are feelings or facts. If I feel rejected does that mean that I am being rejected? If I feel abandoned does that mean that I am being abandonded? If I feel like I am being pushed away does that mean that I am being pushed away or are my feelings so close to the top that the slightest waft of negativity brings about the shadows of the past. The rejection. The fear. The pain. The lonliness? A recent stuggle has reappeared in my life. A struggle that came to the surface earlier this year and I did not address it the recovery way. I picked up old tools of coping in the hopes that it would make it go away. That the pain would disappear. I worked thru the feelings but the conflict was never addressed. The feelings were not stuffed. They were shelved. Put in a jar with the lid tightly screwed in place and set high up on an emotional banking shelf. There they sat. Unaddressed. Until recently. That jar is now being placed back in my hands to examine. Address. And reconcile. Rejection. Not up to par. The feelings and the voices in my head tell me to RUN! RUN! Go away and be safe. RUN! Get outta there! Get away from the hurt. And here is the thing. I can run. Which is something that I don't do in the physical. BUT I do it in the emotional. I pack it up. Load the car and take off. Set my course for anyplace but where I am at that is causing the discomfort. I check out at the door. I emotionally distance myself from the conflict. I don't like conflict. I don't like anger. I don't like working it out.
CAN'T WE JUST ALL GET ALONG??
You'd think that with a marriage with a drug user. Twin teenagers. A messy life. And whose life isn't messy? You'd think that working thru conflict would be a simple thing for me. But is isn't. I want peace. I want serenity. I want to belong. I want to be accepted. I want to be needed. So when conflict comes my way it really does almost physically hurt me.
So with this season ( when did i step into this season?) of conflict. I have a choice. Actually several choices. A choice with each conflict that arises. Do I work thru the feelings. Get honest. Work toward resolution? Get to the reality of the situation? Find the facts and reason. Do some more reparenting? Or do I go on my emotion? Living one day at a time on feelings?
I guess that it is time for me to confront my fear and walk forward. Otherwise this stuff just resurfaces again and again. I have to choose to open the jar. Open the wound. Examine the original pain. And work towards restoration. I can't do that if I am constantly ducking and running for cover. I have to trust that God knows what He is doing in my life and that He will work all this out. I just have to be able to keep walking and not chicken out. I have to see this thru and see what the next season will be. Feelings or facts.
I sure hope it is one that has alot less baggage.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

May We Always Remember



To the men and women to risked everything to save those who needed them.
To the families of those who lost loved ones, moms, dads, sisters, brothers, children, we honor you for your pain and your loss.
May the scar heal and fade with time, know that your country grieves with you still.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Manila


MANILA, Philippines — Police say poverty apparently has driven a jobless woman in the Philippines to kill her three young children and herself by getting them to drink toilet cleaner before she also took some.
Senior Superintendent Raul Sandoval says the children, aged from 2 to 4, died before reaching a hospital, while their 32-year-old mother died while being treated.
He says the woman, Janeth Ponce, left a suicide note in her one-room shack in northern Laguna province's Magdalena township. She asked relatives to forgive her and care for her 7-year-old son who was sleeping in his grandmother's house at the time of the incident.
Police say her husband, a construction worker in Manila, had not sent money for a month.
One third of 90 million Filipinos lives below the poverty line of $1 a day.
I know that as a single mom I cringe when another bill comes in. I have no health insurance for me or the kids. My hours have been cut and that reduces my paycheck. Each week is an adventure in creative money make do's.
But this....this tore my heart out. I CANNOT imagine despair as great as this woman must have felt to cause her to take the life of her own children and herself. Father I am so fortunate to know that tonite my kids will eat dinner. They will have clean water to drink. They are safe and provided for.

My Senior Twins...Rebekkah & Zechariah




Tuesday, September 9, 2008

FYI....


Today I started my own private journal online.
It stinks that I have to once again HIDE my stuff for the sake of safety.

I am back to keeping secrets.
I will continue to blog about recovery and restoration.
I will not be silenced there.

Further Seems Forever

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The guys in this band used to come to my house for breakfast when they were in town just starting out on thier way to stardom. One of the best celebrations we had together was when they got signed by Tooth and Nail Records. Way back when....when I did street ministry in Tampa. They were just kids from Pompano Beach then. Dreaming of making something happen for themselves and in ministry. Young men 17/18? They are grown men now. The are still making it happen for themselves and ministry. They are daddies. Professionals. Artists. Free lancing for Christ.

I'm reminded today that HE moves in ways that we don't expect or anticipate. Thank you Father for that reminder that I am YOURS and LOVELY.

Friday, September 5, 2008

Biker Baby Strength

I've taken some pretty big hits in the past 2 weeks. Emotional. Financial. Psychological. And the way I see it is that I have a choice. I can either sit in all these things and what they present to me. Stew. Sit in all the trauma. OR. I can get on with it. I know that if I sit in it. Try to process all this stuff out...I will go into a funk. I tend to be an over-thinker. As a matter of fact I've kinda been there in that funk for a few days now. I don't like it. Not at all.

Today on the way to work I was listening to a Cheryl Crowes greatest hits and the song below hit me staight on. It called to my "Biker Baby" roots. It made me remember who I am. REALLY who I am. I'm a fighter. Not a quitter. I have the ability to just make it thru whatever comes my way.


There are lyrics in the song that pretty much state my claim:

...."I ain't taking shit off no one baby that was yesterday"....
....and I was like WTF am I sitting in this stuff for?? Get on with it or it will get on with you. So as a tribute to that HUGE moment of clarity.....Here is that song:

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Thursday, September 4, 2008

Pulling On The Reigns....

I have recently discovered a shift going on inside my heart. One that I am not accustomed to feeling. Pulling back. Protecting myself. It isn't a punishing thing at all. Or pushing away of others. I would call it being careful with me....not everyone is....careful with me. I have never been one to do things half-assed. It's an all or nothing life for me. Sometimes that isn't always altogether healthy right? Right. So in light of me becoming aware of what is around me and stepping out of denial and my magical thinking la la land....I will let the shift occur. I am not doing anything to create or propel this shift. This change. It has happened quite all by itself. I will however pray that my head and my heart come into alignment. Then I will be able to Reason. Find Logic. Step Back. Reign The Heart In. Protection. Safe for now.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

*Hear Me Roar....Meow*


I usually don't go public with my support of any candidate but I just have to go there today!! I've been reading alot about what people have to say about Sarah Palin. Christian women. Un-churched women. And do you know what surprises me? What stokes my fire up is that this woman has come under fire because she is a woman with 5 kids! And now she is a up and coming grandma! I just gotta say that these women who are claiming that Palin's family will suffer because of her career choice need to get a clue! I AM A SINGLE MOM....and my children suffer....so do I! Not because of my career choice but because life is messy and life is hard.
Her opponent has young children and he is not under fire for his career choice. JFK had small children and he is hailed as Americas favorite president. Since when is it different if a WOMAN is a main player instead of a MAN?? Why is that? Sounds like sexism to me. Coming from women!!
This is woman who also has a special needs child. This is a woman who also has a husband and a full family to support her and that child. I just don't get it.
Then there was this comment: "She obviously is under stress because her 17 yr old daughter is unwed and pregnant! She should spend more time at home".....can you say reality check??!! Since when do stay at home mothers have more stable children. Sounds like judgementalism to me!! Why is that women are harder on women than men are??
I am just so surprised that by all the work that women have done to propel themselves and pave the way for future generations to go forward untethered and yet this type of prejudice still is prevalent and goes unchecked. We women have had to fight for every right we have and we shouldn't allow stupid biased women to put their fellow ladies down with pat phrases and bottled views. Shame on them! So much for burning bras and women suffrage! It was only within the last 115 years that we were even GRANTED the right to vote. I said it once and I'll say it again....shame on them!
I will support Palin due to her ability to run a city. A state. A family. And her potential ability to run a country if it comes to that. She is a tough cookie. She is a fine example of a strong woman. A family girl. And a great example for our girls!! She is a "DO-er not just a SAY-er"!! Super PROPS to you Sarah!
I for one will support this pair of running mates. I was voting for McCain to begin with just because I like his answers and his track record. Integrity. Long suffering. But this sweetens the deal for me. I'm all for it. I think it was wise for McCain to go unorthodox and with his gut. I think it's time for a change absolutely....but I think it isn't what the other guy wants you to think.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Protecting The Abuser

Topic: Can you forgive yourself?

So many of us in recovery can accept God's forgiveness. We can forgive those who have hurt us. But why is it that victims of child abuse, sexual, physical, mental, emotional, incestuous abuse, have a hard time forgiving themselves.

It is a way that we further abuse ourselves. We are locked in guilt and shame.
It's also a way of protecting the abuser.

Sharing my story with another woman recently caused me to go back to that time in my recovery when I had to face my inner abused child. She was 4 years old. For years and years I believed somewhere in my heart that I was to blame. I caused it. There was something about me that asked for my incest to happen. I was too cute. I was too lovable. I was too trusting. I was somehow to blame for the abuse. I caused it.
In blaming my 'little girl' for somehow causing the incest to happen. I was protecting my abuser and deflecting any responsibility that they had for the abuse. It also kept me trapped in a cycle of being a victim.


The cornerstone of my healing from that abuse came when I was able to "rescue" my little girl from the hands of my abuser. I did this by first coming to the realization that a 4 year old little girl IS lovable. IS trusting. IS cute. IS innocent. She wants the touch of a daddy. A parent. She craves love...we were created this way. And when I started to notice other 4 year olds around me and how so very small and trusting they were. I started to see reality in a different way. I was able to embrace the wounded little girl still trapped in the cycle of abuse instead of blame her. I was able to set her free so healing, true, deep, wounded soul healing could begin.

Some of the things that I did to help me heal that broken wounded little girl inside was to write her letters. I wrote her poems. I got a picture of me when I was 4 yrs old and I framed it and I would talk to it. I would tell her over and over that it wasn't her fault. I started to somehow undo the damage to my heart and soul through words. It has taken step after step after step forward to get to the place where that little girl is no longer in pain. She is healed and free.

Deep emotional healing is possible. It hurts. But not as much as staying locked in a victim role.

My sponsee shared with me recently that she confronted her abusers. Her parents. No sexual abuse. Emotional. Verbal. She reacted and reacted and regressed every time her parents would visit. She would relapse. Become a victim. She was protecting her abusers by not making them accountable. When she confronted her abusers she just said this: I'm not afraid of you anymore. How powerful that fear is. And she was able to see the abuse as what it was. ABUSE. She didn't cause it. Didn't deserve it. And now she can go forward.


It's not always possible to confront our abusers. But I believe the greatest way that we protect them is with silence. We don't talk about it. We don't tell. We internalize somewhere inside us that we deserve it. Caused it. Made it happen. It is our fault.
I'm so proud of my sponsee for rocking that boat of family secrets. Now restoration can begin.

Regret & Loss


Regret. Going into the pockets of my heart to expose the things of the past that cannot be changed is so very painful. Going into the "I wishes" and the "If only's" and "Had I knowns" is frightening and painful. For the past 8 years of my life I have really tried to live my life in such a manner as to not leave any regrets in my wake. I have really tried to live my life in the now making good choices so that when I am 80 or 90 I will not be looking back saying "I wonder how that would've turned out if.." or "I wish I had had the courage to.....". And for the most part I have done alright with that. But I have recently come across a few things tucked inside that need some attention.

About a year ago my mom shared with me that she had alot of regret. Funny how I never suspected that from my mom. My MOM had regret? It was a very deep dark time for her when she exposed that to me. She said she was going to let that go. Surrender it. Release it. So when I discovered that there was some regret lingering inside of me naturally I called mom. I love my mom. She shared with me that she hasn't been able to let it all go but that some of the regret has been addressed and changed into a positive force in her life. Relationships lost and damaged are now restored. Instances that were once viewed as failures have been readdressed and are now something that can be learned from. However painful they are to deal with.

Relationship regrets are what I struggle with. I saw A Relationship Person From The Past this weekend. He called to ask for some books back that he had given me. So he stopped over to my house to pick them up. He looked terrible. He was all defenses. All masked. It sucked to see him like that. But I expected nothing less. This is a man who was the one of the singlemost important relationships in my life for 13 years. I know him so very well. And I realized as he pulled out of the driveway that I missed him. I used to be able to talk to him about anything and everything. But he changed this year and became someone that cannot be safe for me. He cannot be a friend. I know that the regret hinges on the past relationship that we had. If I had only known that it would end this way...... If only we had stopped......... The I wish things had been different..... And the sad part about it is that this is a huge loss in my life. A tearing away. And it hurts very deeply. Not the today loss part of it. But the loss of what WAS. The friendship. The familar. The safe. The loss of a very deep very intimate relationship. I will never have that again with this person.

A friend of mine shared with me that she is also struggling with regret. The "what if's" are plaguing her. Funny how when we choose to do the 'right thing' there are so many regrets. How can we follow our heart when the word says that it is evil and deceitful? How can we make decisions based on logic when emotion holds none of that? I think that the older I get the more regret surfaces. As a woman this is usually centered around my heart. Around relationships lost or passed over. Choices made based on the "for the family" or " for the church" or "it's the right thing to do". That regret seeps into the fibre of who we are. And it rests there. Builds a home. And we carry it with us.

Life is risky. Relationships are risky. Day to day is risky. We try to make the best choices possible. I know that in order to move forward in my life I have to expose the regrets. Deal with the losses. To bring them to the light so that they can be healed. Removed. Changed. To benefit me. I'm not entirely sure how to do this. But I know that I will grieve. I will feel the loss. I also know that an element of letting this all go is to give it to the Master. To surrender the broken wants. The broken dreams. The broken heart. And let him do his thing with it. I know that I also have to trust that he will make all things right.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

The Dance Of Love

I've seen this video several times and each time I watch it the Holy Spirit just reaches in and grabs my heart. Watch it and tell me how it reaches you.

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What I see is the dance of love. She meets Jesus and they dance the dance of love. He wants to show her so much to give her so much. He marvels over her and his creation. She touches Him briefly.

Then life zooms in and chokes her back. Sex or lust or attention gets her focus first. Then enter seeking after money or security. Friends also take a toll. Alcohol or drugs or pornography or whatever addiction steals us away. Robs us of peace. Then prostitution. Selling ourselves out. Maybe not to the street but to pain. Desperation. Feelings. Pride. Then the act of cutting. Wounding ourselves on the outside to kill the pain on the inside. The separation from HIM.

And the whole time HE is there. Beckoning to us to come to him. He is waiting. He is watching the pain. Watching the brokenness. He cannot rescue us from that which we steep ourselves in. He waits. He watches. All the while reaching out. Calling out.

Then the final battle. To end it all. Suicide. She can't because she knows He is there. She just has to find her way back. But there is a fight. A spiritual fight and a fleshly battle. She is knocked down repeatedly trying to get back to SAFE. Just within reach she struggles to get back. And He is reaching for the hand that is seeking.

But He cannot interfere with this fight. It is hers. Not until she hits her knees can He step in. And he does. He takes the blows. He takes the hits again and again. Just like the nails that were driven into his hands and feet. Hit after hit.

And she is restored. The things of the world that tried to destroy and maim and kill are powerless over her. He lifts her to her feet. He brushes her off. He offers her freedom and awe once more. All things are new. Just like her. He marvels over HER.

And she is free. And they dance that dance of love. They dance.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Who Does She Think She Is??


Kathy my friend with the carnival in her head wrote a magnificent post about women and the bondage that we fall under and into. Go here http://kathyescobar.com/2008/08/22/who-does-she-think-she-is/ to read this. It is a must read. And please follow her links to "SHE" and "Who Does She Think She Is?"..... just amazing what women are doing. Young and old women. Risking. Stepping out of the norm.

One of the things that I have written so much about lately is my level of fear and all the changes and shifts that keep occuring in my life. Sometimes all I can do is whisper 'Father be with me' and He is there. Desparate heart and mind scream inside of me...seeking hands reaching....wanting Him to just hold me...to make it ok. To make me safe.

After reading Kathy's post I came away empowered. I remembered that I am ok to be afraid. But I am also OK to risk. Risk always involves an element of fear. Always. Stepping out. Change is scary.

Erin (decompressing faith) and Pam (how god messed up my religeon) (you can follow the links at my sidebar to thier blogs. I haven't quite figured out how to link here yet so follow the links provided. Anyway Erin and Pam did the poem below and it is also posted on Kathy's post but it is worthy so worthy of posting here as well. The poem describes my TARA on the inside. I hope it touches you as much as it touches me. It's all about the risk.

the sinful woman at simon the pharisees house luke 7:36-50
she busted through the door
fell at this feet
desperate, searching, certain that He’d
give her something she craved.
peace. understanding. hope.
they scoffed. how could she?
how could He?
her type’s not welcome here.
this gathering, it’s for the together,the smart, the boys, the elite.


welcome or not, she knew she
had to get there.
to His feet.
to lay before Him
and offer her tears, her heart,
her thanks.
the sweet smell of perfume mixed with
her tears
filled the courtyard.


and the bystanders gaped.
you can’t do that. we’re talking
theology here
and you want to weep,
to fall all over yourself?


yes, He affirms. she gets it.
this is the theology He’s talking about.
she understands.
believes.
accepts.
doesn’t care if she’s misunderstood.
she knows He forgives.
He loves. He believes in her when
nobody else does.


and because of her past, all the mistakes,
raw and real.
because of her desperation,
her unwillingness to hide or pretend
because of her humility,her openness to healing.

she receives.

may i be like her,
unhindered byhuman-created norms,
breaking the rules.
causing heads to turn.
risking my pride.
seeking Truth,
willing to find Him at all costs.

- spring 2007

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Relocating & Locating It All


I moved this weekend. We started loading the U-Haul at around 6pm Friday night. We were done unloading the truck at my new place by 9:38 the same night! Phenominal I know. I am still quite blown away by it all. Moving is one of those things that people say "you know who your true friends are when you move"....yep. Guess that has some ring of truth to it. I never really knew that I had so many friends. I am still quite blown away. In all...I had 21 people (including my kids) descend upon my old house and move me to my new house. 21 people.

I had my church community. Some of these people I have had issues with in the past. But they were there for me and my kids. Church People and I don't do so well. Perhaps I could try to see them as part of my community? Rather than Church People? Perhaps I have segregated myself from them to a degree that goes beyond what it should be? Perhaps I have in the past expected far too much from them? I am being pinged on the head by the Holy Spirit over this one. I know that these Church People love me and my family. I have seen it with my eyes and felt it brush past my heart. They care. They were there. They still are. Now the women are bringing me dinner all this week to fill in the gaps of my life. Splendid. I am really honored beyond words by this gesture. It lightens my load. It is something that if I was asked if I wanted I would say no. It just seems like a pretty intimate and profoundly personal thing to do....
It is alot. Prepare the food. Deliver it. It is risky. And to have someone do that for me is....very intense. SO the Pastor told them not to ask me if I wanted this gift. He just said to 'do it' and they are and I am feeling the pangs. It feels kind of dependant of me. I am depending on them. That scares me. Feelings aren't facts.

Of the 21 people that helped me move were my friends Paul and Dena. I have written about Dena's battle with cancer this year. She was there moving me. How humbling is that? Dena completed her chemo and radiation recently and the scans say that the hot spots are down to a 3. Dena is losing her hair but she is still so very beautiful. She is lovely. I just have to say that this woman inspires me. Hands down more than anyone has in a very very long time.
The Camping Goddess was there with a horse trailor of all things. I just had to laugh out loud at the thought of all my stuff where horeses stand. Do you know how many boxes a horse trailor can hold?? As long as the weight limit isn't over 1000lbs the Camping Goddess says....it'll be fine.

Most of my 'adopted' kids were there to help me. I love these children that are not my own. How my heart misses them already. Although I know that this quiet time in my life is a season. It is much needed. I will miss the kids hanging out and hanging with me. But for a time...I need some down time. My life is gearing up for what is to come.
Now that I am upacked. Pictures and curtains are hung. I am not functioning on automatic. I am physically exhausted. Mentally plucked. Emotionally drianed. Spiritually tazered. So much to process. I push and push and push myself so that my kids have 'stable' around them. I will function on little sleep so that my house is HOME for them as quickly as possible. I have to do this. I lessens the trauma for them...and me. I need safe. It isn't safe when everything is in boxes and bags.
For me the greatest blessing of all this whole moving experience is that two of my friends called me after the move just to tell me that I am loved. One said "Tara, there is no one that I know that doesn't love you"..."everyone just LOVES you". And the Camping Goddess...she is a spiritualist type of carma stuff kind of gal....says.."Did you see that energy and love that you attract? Do you see what you bring to others? You created that love that was poured out?......
It's a mystery to me how someone like me could have such wonderful friends and lovers of my heart and soul. It's a mystery. I am beyond comprehending being valued like I have been. It really puts a spin and shoots the shit out of the tapes that play inside my head that 'no one loves me".....ya know what I mean??
Shifts and changes. This is not the last change to come. There are more on the way.

Monday, August 25, 2008

Denying Paternity

So today we were at Family Court for child support for my granson Joe. The father has never seen Joe before. You would think that he would at least try to catch a glimpse of his beautiful son. But there was no effort.

When we went before the judge the case was withdrawn. Baby's Daddy is denying that he fathered my grandson. There will be DNA test ordered. This is an act of buying time.
My daughter was devastated. It killed me to see that happen to her. She came face to face with the man that abused her. The same man that tried to make her abort. And she was so strong. But then came his denial of his own son. And the devastation and broken heart of my daughter came to the surface.

As a mom trying to be there for her and Joe I felt so helpless. I couldn't change any of this. All there is to do now is pray that God will continue to hold both of them tightly in his hands.

There Will Always Be Music.....

When there aren't enough words ....there is always music

Friday, August 22, 2008

Hand Of Providence & Comfort


Father carry me thru this season. It hurts. I need your hand to sustain me. I need your shoulder to catch my tears. I need to know that the teens that I leave behind will remember your name that so freely flowed from my lips. Let them remember that you are there when I am not. Comfort my grieving heart as this new season of change comes and goes.