Thursday, April 10, 2008

Rusted and Weathered...Step 1

I lie awake on a long, dark night
I can’t seem to tame my mind
Slings and arrows are killing me inside
Maybe I can’t accept the life that’s mine
No I can’t accept the life that’s mine
Simple living is my desperate cry
Been trading love with indifference yeah it suits me just fine
I try to hold on but I’m calloused to the bone
Maybe that’s why I feel alone
Maybe that’s why I feel so alone
Me…I’m rusted and weathered
Barely holding together
I’m covered with skin that peels and it just won’t heal

When I hear this song by Creed it just reminds me of myself when I am "IN MY STUFF". My mind races. I have no peace. I have not clarity. At times when I lose my focus and take my eyes off Jesus, Satan will attck and so will the tapes of negative messages from my childhood that are embedded in my brain.

I have to remember to take up that Sword of the Spirit (the word of God) and fight fire with fire. Most of the 'slips' in my own disease co-dependentcy occur when I am not sharpening my sword. I lay the Word down. I get lazy. Or I "feel" strong and put my 'tools' away.
It is a cycle. A form of denial that once it take that tiny step into it spins out of control and away I go. Like an alcoholic with that first drink.


doxie mom said...

Creed is awesome I love their music. I am a member of the cycles club. I have become very weak and lazy with my faith walk. My sword is definetly dull, my bible does not show a whole lot of wear. I know exactly what I need to do with my walk and how to be obedient to God. It is so easy for me to use my mental illnesses to deny myself of any help. I get into these cycles of manic depression where I feel totally out of control and not in touch with reality. I guess the right words to use here is distorted thinking. At times, I can be a real nusiance when I am extremely talkative and don't know that I am pissing people off by my needless rambling. I often times work on things/projects for so long (sometimes until 4a)and find myself suffering to my own stupidity from pains in my whole body, to forgetting to eat 3 meals a day, to not taking my meds correctly which affects my moods and illness. I always have a tendency to go back to my cycle club; which is my comfort zone. I can isolate myself from the world, become very depressed/constantly crying, thinking about my inabilities/disabilites and how I feel out of touch with reality. I often times see things that others don't see and feel somewhat lifeless. I use excuses not to go places (CR, church, etc). I use my health issues a lot to not be honest with my feelings or saying no to someone. Instead I give in to what they want to learn later that it was a stupid decision. I sometimes wish for a friend to call and give me some encouragement or the right scriptures that I should read. I often think my friends are avoiding me and take it personally. Everyone has a different life and time schedule. I should not always reverse the cycle and turn it into worthless feelings.

I know what my job is as a Christian and that is obedience, following His rule book, walking the walk and using my boundaries with certain people. I have a tendency for becoming a magnet with the unsafe people all the while knowing I feel unsafe with myself. My spiritual walk needs a energy charge, I need one and God needs me to spend time with Him. He needs me to ask for guidance, live by his rule book and be out their for others to have something they can learn from me and my past weathered and rusted mind and body.

Tara said...

DM- One of the reasons that I love the 12 steps is that these steps make us slow down. One thing I always used to struggle with was doing it all and doing it NOW. With the steps it gives me a reason to say that "I am a work in progress". And it's true. The steps help me focus on one area at a time. And the more we work them thru the more work is done the more progress is made. The slogans of AA and Al-Anon are great tools too. I remember saying over and over again "This too shall pass". And it does. Getting honest like you are is the first and hardest part. Recongnizing and owning is progress. Changing can only be done with His strength not ours. If we try to do is the flesh and temporary. Keep stompin girl. One day at a time. XOX.