Beacuse I Can't Be There In Person....

The Dance Of Love

I've seen this video several times and each time I watch it the Holy Spirit just reaches in and grabs my heart. Watch it and tell me how it reaches you.

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What I see is the dance of love. She meets Jesus and they dance the dance of love. He wants to show her so much to give her so much. He marvels over her and his creation. She touches Him briefly.

Then life zooms in and chokes her back. Sex or lust or attention gets her focus first. Then enter seeking after money or security. Friends also take a toll. Alcohol or drugs or pornography or whatever addiction steals us away. Robs us of peace. Then prostitution. Selling ourselves out. Maybe not to the street but to pain. Desperation. Feelings. Pride. Then the act of cutting. Wounding ourselves on the outside to kill the pain on the inside. The separation from HIM.

And the whole time HE is there. Beckoning to us to come to him. He is waiting. He is watching the pain. Watching the brokenness. He cannot rescue us from that which we steep ourselves in. He waits. He watches. All the while reaching out. Calling out.

Then the final battle. To end it all. Suicide. She can't because she knows He is there. She just has to find her way back. But there is a fight. A spiritual fight and a fleshly battle. She is knocked down repeatedly trying to get back to SAFE. Just within reach she struggles to get back. And He is reaching for the hand that is seeking.

But He cannot interfere with this fight. It is hers. Not until she hits her knees can He step in. And he does. He takes the blows. He takes the hits again and again. Just like the nails that were driven into his hands and feet. Hit after hit.

And she is restored. The things of the world that tried to destroy and maim and kill are powerless over her. He lifts her to her feet. He brushes her off. He offers her freedom and awe once more. All things are new. Just like her. He marvels over HER.

And she is free. And they dance that dance of love. They dance.

Who Does She Think She Is??

Kathy my friend with the carnival in her head wrote a magnificent post about women and the bondage that we fall under and into. Go here http://kathyescobar.com/2008/08/22/who-does-she-think-she-is/ to read this. It is a must read. And please follow her links to "SHE" and "Who Does She Think She Is?"..... just amazing what women are doing. Young and old women. Risking. Stepping out of the norm.

One of the things that I have written so much about lately is my level of fear and all the changes and shifts that keep occuring in my life. Sometimes all I can do is whisper 'Father be with me' and He is there. Desparate heart and mind scream inside of me...seeking hands reaching....wanting Him to just hold me...to make it ok. To make me safe.

After reading Kathy's post I came away empowered. I remembered that I am ok to be afraid. But I am also OK to risk. Risk always involves an element of fear. Always. Stepping out. Change is scary.

Erin (decompressing faith) and Pam (how god messed up my religeon) (you can follow the links at my sidebar to thier blogs. I haven't quite figured out how to link here yet so follow the links provided. Anyway Erin and Pam did the poem below and it is also posted on Kathy's post but it is worthy so worthy of posting here as well. The poem describes my TARA on the inside. I hope it touches you as much as it touches me. It's all about the risk.

the sinful woman at simon the pharisees house luke 7:36-50
she busted through the door

fell at this feet

desperate, searching, certain that He’d

give her something she craved.

peace. understanding. hope.

they scoffed. how could she?

how could He?

her type’s not welcome here.

this gathering, it’s for the together,the smart, the boys, the elite.

welcome or not, she knew she

had to get there.

to His feet.

to lay before Him

and offer her tears, her heart,

her thanks.

the sweet smell of perfume mixed with

her tears

filled the courtyard.

and the bystanders gaped.

you can’t do that. we’re talking

theology here

and you want to weep,

to fall all over yourself?

yes, He affirms. she gets it.

this is the theology He’s talking about.

she understands.

believes.

accepts.

doesn’t care if she’s misunderstood.

she knows He forgives.

He loves. He believes in her when

nobody else does.

and because of her past, all the mistakes,

raw and real.

because of her desperation,

her unwillingness to hide or pretend

because of her humility,her openness to healing.

she receives.

may i be like her,

unhindered byhuman-created norms,

breaking the rules.

causing heads to turn.

risking my pride.

seeking Truth,

willing to find Him at all costs.

- spring 2007

Relocating & Locating It All

I moved this weekend. We started loading the U-Haul at around 6pm Friday night. We were done unloading the truck at my new place by 9:38 the same night! Phenominal I know. I am still quite blown away by it all. Moving is one of those things that people say "you know who your true friends are when you move"....yep. Guess that has some ring of truth to it. I never really knew that I had so many friends. I am still quite blown away. In all...I had 21 people (including my kids) descend upon my old house and move me to my new house. 21 people.

I had my church community. Some of these people I have had issues with in the past. But they were there for me and my kids. Church People and I don't do so well. Perhaps I could try to see them as part of my community? Rather than Church People? Perhaps I have segregated myself from them to a degree that goes beyond what it should be? Perhaps I have in the past expected far too much from them? I am being pinged on the head by the Holy Spirit over this one. I know that these Church People love me and my family. I have seen it with my eyes and felt it brush past my heart. They care. They were there. They still are. Now the women are bringing me dinner all this week to fill in the gaps of my life. Splendid. I am really honored beyond words by this gesture. It lightens my load. It is something that if I was asked if I wanted I would say no. It just seems like a pretty intimate and profoundly personal thing to do....

It is alot. Prepare the food. Deliver it. It is risky. And to have someone do that for me is....very intense. SO the Pastor told them not to ask me if I wanted this gift. He just said to 'do it' and they are and I am feeling the pangs. It feels kind of dependant of me. I am depending on them. That scares me. Feelings aren't facts.

Of the 21 people that helped me move were my friends Paul and Dena. I have written about Dena's battle with cancer this year. She was there moving me. How humbling is that? Dena completed her chemo and radiation recently and the scans say that the hot spots are down to a 3. Dena is losing her hair but she is still so very beautiful. She is lovely. I just have to say that this woman inspires me. Hands down more than anyone has in a very very long time.

The Camping Goddess was there with a horse trailor of all things. I just had to laugh out loud at the thought of all my stuff where horeses stand. Do you know how many boxes a horse trailor can hold?? As long as the weight limit isn't over 1000lbs the Camping Goddess says....it'll be fine.

Most of my 'adopted' kids were there to help me. I love these children that are not my own. How my heart misses them already. Although I know that this quiet time in my life is a season. It is much needed. I will miss the kids hanging out and hanging with me. But for a time...I need some down time. My life is gearing up for what is to come.

Now that I am upacked. Pictures and curtains are hung. I am not functioning on automatic. I am physically exhausted. Mentally plucked. Emotionally drianed. Spiritually tazered. So much to process. I push and push and push myself so that my kids have 'stable' around them. I will function on little sleep so that my house is HOME for them as quickly as possible. I have to do this. I lessens the trauma for them...and me. I need safe. It isn't safe when everything is in boxes and bags.

For me the greatest blessing of all this whole moving experience is that two of my friends called me after the move just to tell me that I am loved. One said "Tara, there is no one that I know that doesn't love you"..."everyone just LOVES you". And the Camping Goddess...she is a spiritualist type of carma stuff kind of gal....says.."Did you see that energy and love that you attract? Do you see what you bring to others? You created that love that was poured out?......

It's a mystery to me how someone like me could have such wonderful friends and lovers of my heart and soul. It's a mystery. I am beyond comprehending being valued like I have been. It really puts a spin and shoots the shit out of the tapes that play inside my head that 'no one loves me".....ya know what I mean??

Shifts and changes. This is not the last change to come. There are more on the way.

Denying Paternity

So today we were at Family Court for child support for my granson Joe. The father has never seen Joe before. You would think that he would at least try to catch a glimpse of his beautiful son. But there was no effort.

When we went before the judge the case was withdrawn. Baby's Daddy is denying that he fathered my grandson. There will be DNA test ordered. This is an act of buying time.

My daughter was devastated. It killed me to see that happen to her. She came face to face with the man that abused her. The same man that tried to make her abort. And she was so strong. But then came his denial of his own son. And the devastation and broken heart of my daughter came to the surface.

As a mom trying to be there for her and Joe I felt so helpless. I couldn't change any of this. All there is to do now is pray that God will continue to hold both of them tightly in his hands.

There Will Always Be Music.....

When there aren't enough words ....there is always music

Hand Of Providence & Comfort

Father carry me thru this season. It hurts. I need your hand to sustain me. I need your shoulder to catch my tears. I need to know that the teens that I leave behind will remember your name that so freely flowed from my lips. Let them remember that you are there when I am not. Comfort my grieving heart as this new season of change comes and goes.