Death, Spiritual Gifts, & Relationship Building

Yesterday I wrote a litttle about "L".

"L" was bulimic. I found out last night at the viewing that she weighed all of 50lbs when she died Monday. "L's" heart just couldn't support the torment that she had put her body through and it just stopped. "L" fell to the floor. Gone. She was 50 yrs old.

At the viewing I met her mom for the first time. Her mom grabbed my hand and wouldn't let go. She walked me to the open casket and to "L". "L" looked the same as she did last week when I saw her. I couldn't help but think that she had really been walking around dead for quite sometime. While at the casket her mom said to me "No mother should have to bury her own baby. She was my first born." And she wept. I was so moved with compassion for this mother. All I could do was pray for her. I brought this broken hearted mom before the Father to ask for comfort. As a believer....it's all that I could think of to do. As a human being, my heart broke for the grief that this mom felt for giving birth to "L"and then watching her own daughter die before her eyes. I felt so utterly helpless.

I knew last week that "L" was going to die. I was given gifts from the Holy Spirit of knowledge, wisdom, prophecy. These are hard gifts to carry. For the most part, I keep what I see or hear or discern to myself because in the past when I have tried to give it away it is not accepted. So, for the past 6 - 8 monthes I have kept what I recieve to myself. I have not shared. I have not been obedient.

Last week I was looking at "L" and I 'saw' death on her. I knew she was dying. I was thrown by what I saw to be death spreading up her neck and face. Death. I didn't know what to do with it. I called her sponsor. I prayed. And then moved on. When I found out yesterday that "L" had died I felt like God had kicked me in the chest. All I could think about was WHY would he show me these things. WHY the hell would I want to see this?

I walked in trauma all day. I prayed. I read. I was so frustrated. I was pissed. I was hurt.

I went to the viewing and played my music really loud on the way in the car. Even then the Father was speaking to me. Thru the music. He gave me a song for "L". It is posted here.

I came home and read the word. I Corinthians 12/13/14. I realized that he gave this gift to me to edifiy the church. That he gives gifts according to HIS purpose. What HE thinks is right. Not what I want at all. And I know that he showed me death and "L" to not kick me in the chest but to give me a kick in the ass for not walking where I need to. For letting fear stop me from doing what HE wants done. For not saying what HE wants to say thru me. Had I not had such a jolt to my heart....I would still be sitting in fear and disobedience.

Then I called a safe persone and this is what they told me.

1) I am not responsible for the results

2) Be true to what I know I have to do

3) People will judge. Don't worry about that. Let God sort it out.

4) Just do what I know to be right.

I went to bed stil sorting. It felt like all the puzzle pieces had been thrown up in the air and landed all ascew. I prayed that He would sort it out.

Ya know. I woke up this morning with a all the pieces. I just have to finish putting them in place. I have been 'directed' to speak what he told me to. I have to go to someone tonight and share what I feel He showed me. I will do this.

I know that I have to work on my delivery. Ya know I'm in the shower and I'm talking to God saying "but...but...i'm nothing. they won't recieve it....they don't like me...but" and He gently reminded me that He used a donkey to speak to Balaam"....LOL....He can certainly use me. Jeremiah they threw in the pit...but He delivered Jeremiah.....I have to go forward.

I guess the further I walk into this, the more I see that it is about relationship. Building the body of Christ. God having relationship with ME. With His church. With His bride.

"L" is home with her beloved. Her Jesus. This is for my friend "L".

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Losing The Battle With Bulimia

I found out today that a friend of mine died of complications from bulimia. "L" is finally free from the torment of her body and her mind. She is home with the Father.

Two weeks ago I saw death all over "L". I knew it was going to happen. I shared it with her Sponsor. And then released it.

What do you do with this kind of knowledge?

What do I do with these things that I see?

On Being SAFE

Kathy, my friend with the carnival in her head wrote about safe people this week. Ya know, I gotta tell you that when I read over the list of attributes of safe and unsafe peopple I really kinda got some 'ut-ohs'. I seen myself in the unsafe catagory more than once. I am being drawn into looking at these charactor defects and changing them. Kathy also expressed that we are all a work in progress and that this is a journey without desitination here on Earth. Well said.

The top 3 on this list belong to me. I know that I need to become safe to others. It's not that I think the I have it all together, its that I see the level of recoveries out there and it reminds me of the blind leading the blind. It kirks me out. I have to work on this judgementalism that I am carrying. We are ALL a work in progress. Where has the mercy and compassion that used to flow from me gone? Has it gotten choked by resentment? Something to look at for me.

I do get defensive when someone tries to speak into my life. Especially when I don't trust THEM. Trust. Safe. Church people are not safe to me.

The self rightousness?? Well, yeah I gotta own this. However, in my heart I know that I am nothing in and of myself. It is all Him. Have I picked up my rose colored glasses again to gaze in the mirror with?

I tend to want to push people thru it. I want them to 'get it' and move on. I know that I need to be there. I have a hard time with humility with my recovery. I have a hard time being gentle at times. Lots to think about here in this post. It certainly is stirring the pot for me. Challenging me to excellence in my own recovery and how I give back.

Take a look at Kathy's list below and let me know if anything strikes a bell for you. Where do you see yourself? Where do you see yourself with others? Are you safe?

Unsafe People (and communities):

* think they ”have it all together” instead of admitting their weaknesses
* are defensive instead of open to feedback
* are self-righteous instead of humble
* only apologize instead of changing their behavior
* avoid working on their problems instead of dealing with them
* demand trust instead of earning it
* blame others instead of take responsibility
* lie instead of tell the truth
* remain stagnant instead of growing
* resist freedom instead of encouraging it (can’t take no for an answer)
* flatter us instead of confronting us
* condemn us instead of forgiving us
* stay in parent/child roles instead of relating to us as equals
* unstable over time instead of being consistent
* gossip instead of keeping secrets

Safe People (and communities):
* accept us just like we are
* love us no matter how we are being or what we do
* influence us to develop our ability to love and be responsible
* create love and good works within us
* give us an opportunity to grow & stretch & practice
* help us feel comfortable being “ourselves”, to be on the outside what we are on the inside
* allow us to become the us that God intended
* use their lives to touch ours and leave us better for it
* help us be more like Christ
* help us to like & love others more
* make the relationship more important than opinions
* receive instead of just give
* are humble & willing to say what they need
* are honest, kind & don’t pretend
* work through resistances instead of giving up

Pretty extensive stuff here. I can say the thing that I have worked the hardest thru lately is not running away. When I am pushed or hurt. I tend to want to hide. I am working my way back into community. It feels unsafe. I know it is painful. But I have to walk thru this or it will keep coming back around to me. I have to risk. And I would like to add that "SAFE" people encourage us and celebrate the risks into healthiness that we take even when we fail or back-peddle.

My Birthday Tradition.....

Happy Birthday To ME!!


Sunday is my 44th birthday. Yep 44! Every year at this time I sit and really examine where I am in life. I have to do this because sometimes my life has a tendancy to run me rather than me run my life. And more than that...I want to LIVE my life.

My birthday goals last year were for the most part met. I ended a relationship that was unhealthy. I left a ministry that was not a good place for me to be. I made some headway on addressing my financial sludge and credit issues. I ended my stationary business and moved on to cleaning houses and office buildings on top of my full time job. I have NOT quit smoking. I have maintained my weight. I became a grandma for the first time. Lots of stuff happening accross the board.

This year my goals will be to continue to work on the credit and finacical stuff.

Maintain healthy relationships. Remain sexually pure.

Continue to work on my business and maybe slowly get into the gardening and yard work arena.

I will get my passport.

I want to get my twins thru high school gradution.

I also hope to move my oldest daughter and my grandbaby into their own place.

I want to LIVE each day to the fullest. To the hilt. I surrendered mediocrity long ago. I will push for anything but mediocre. I want excellence and nothing else. My friend 'Happy' told me that I am the daughter of the King....yep she's right....but she also said that I deserve to have a prince. I don't want to settle for anything else but excellence in a man too. I think that as I get older somehow I have raised the bar. Raised the standard. I pray that I continue to do that and not settle.

But mostly I want to just continue this journey into authenticity with ME.

I have always thought it was important to look back. I think footprints are there for a reason...they allow us to trace back what we walked thru. We can't have 'do-overs' in most things and I don't look back looking for things that I could have done different or better. I look back so that I can be proud of where I am today. What always kind of blows me away in looking back is that I can see Gods fingerprints all over my life. He is always there. Hands all over me. I'm glad I serve a hands on kinda God.

Dena Cancer Treatment Update

Just a quick update on my friend Dena. Dena has completed her first round of treatment against the cancer. She is still standing. Still strong.

Radiation doctor stated that the tumor has shrunk....not sure what that means...he thinks five more sessions of radiation will help..lymph nodes have not changed...however, the doc said that is not unusual at this point. We go Monday to meet with each doc. No mention of the cancer in her chest wall.

Jesus be with my friend as she fights this battle. Be with the love of her life as he stands with his loving wife.

I'm In An Emotional Funk

Spiritually, I'm fine. I know that I am on target with my walk. My life. But there is always this 'thing' that hangs over my head with ministry. I don't fit in. How long should I stay and pound on the door??

Really, isn't there a shortage of workers out there? Why do I have to be so unorthodox? Why do I have to rebel against the machine?? This puts me in a very lonely and vulnerable place. I'm not sure where God is taking me. Sometimes I feel as tho I should join the ranks of the 'leaving the organized church' movement. There is serenity there. Just some deep ramblings.....