"L" was bulimic. I found out last night at the viewing that she weighed all of 50lbs when she died Monday. "L's" heart just couldn't support the torment that she had put her body through and it just stopped. "L" fell to the floor. Gone. She was 50 yrs old.
At the viewing I met her mom for the first time. Her mom grabbed my hand and wouldn't let go. She walked me to the open casket and to "L". "L" looked the same as she did last week when I saw her. I couldn't help but think that she had really been walking around dead for quite sometime. While at the casket her mom said to me "No mother should have to bury her own baby. She was my first born." And she wept. I was so moved with compassion for this mother. All I could do was pray for her. I brought this broken hearted mom before the Father to ask for comfort. As a believer....it's all that I could think of to do. As a human being, my heart broke for the grief that this mom felt for giving birth to "L"and then watching her own daughter die before her eyes. I felt so utterly helpless.
I knew last week that "L" was going to die. I was given gifts from the Holy Spirit of knowledge, wisdom, prophecy. These are hard gifts to carry. For the most part, I keep what I see or hear or discern to myself because in the past when I have tried to give it away it is not accepted. So, for the past 6 - 8 monthes I have kept what I recieve to myself. I have not shared. I have not been obedient.
Last week I was looking at "L" and I 'saw' death on her. I knew she was dying. I was thrown by what I saw to be death spreading up her neck and face. Death. I didn't know what to do with it. I called her sponsor. I prayed. And then moved on. When I found out yesterday that "L" had died I felt like God had kicked me in the chest. All I could think about was WHY would he show me these things. WHY the hell would I want to see this?
I walked in trauma all day. I prayed. I read. I was so frustrated. I was pissed. I was hurt.
I went to the viewing and played my music really loud on the way in the car. Even then the Father was speaking to me. Thru the music. He gave me a song for "L". It is posted here.
I came home and read the word. I Corinthians 12/13/14. I realized that he gave this gift to me to edifiy the church. That he gives gifts according to HIS purpose. What HE thinks is right. Not what I want at all. And I know that he showed me death and "L" to not kick me in the chest but to give me a kick in the ass for not walking where I need to. For letting fear stop me from doing what HE wants done. For not saying what HE wants to say thru me. Had I not had such a jolt to my heart....I would still be sitting in fear and disobedience.
Then I called a safe persone and this is what they told me.
1) I am not responsible for the results
2) Be true to what I know I have to do
3) People will judge. Don't worry about that. Let God sort it out.
4) Just do what I know to be right.
I went to bed stil sorting. It felt like all the puzzle pieces had been thrown up in the air and landed all ascew. I prayed that He would sort it out.
Ya know. I woke up this morning with a all the pieces. I just have to finish putting them in place. I have been 'directed' to speak what he told me to. I have to go to someone tonight and share what I feel He showed me. I will do this.
I know that I have to work on my delivery. Ya know I'm in the shower and I'm talking to God saying "but...but...i'm nothing. they won't recieve it....they don't like me...but" and He gently reminded me that He used a donkey to speak to Balaam"....LOL....He can certainly use me. Jeremiah they threw in the pit...but He delivered Jeremiah.....I have to go forward.
I guess the further I walk into this, the more I see that it is about relationship. Building the body of Christ. God having relationship with ME. With His church. With His bride.
"L" is home with her beloved. Her Jesus. This is for my friend "L".