Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Fighting The Fires At Home....

I got bad news last week from my sons high school. He will not graduate this year. He is missing 3 credits and even if he takes summer school next June, it will not be enough. I am devastated. My mommy heart broken. My twins were supposed to do this together. Together.

I don't know how this got past me or slipped through my fingers. The guidance counselor didn't catch it either. I feel like I have let my son down. So much has gone on in the past year that for whatever reason....I let this get by me.

Seeing my son give up on trying is the worse part for me. He is a math genius. He loves numbers. He wanted to get his PhD in Mathematics. I'm grieving. For him and me.
After working with the guidance office and with my son, we decided to let him take the test to get his GED. I think it is the only way that he will be able to salvage what is left of his self esteem and his future. He can still go to school. Helping him to find options through my loss, through my pain, through my feelings of failure has not been easy. Lifting him up when I feel like my own arms are broken feels futile at best.
Looking back at my life for the last 5 years.....I realize that there are several things that I have had to come to terms with.

1) That my job as a single mom is one of fighting fires. I fight those huge blazes pretty well, but when I focus on them and try to stop the damage and the flames from devastating my family... the smoldering little fires continue to burn and destroy. But I cannot focus on them. I have all my attention on the blaze in front of me.

2) I fight these fires alone. There is no one by my side. I know...I know...God is there. But I sure could use someone else with a hose to stand beside me. Someone to get my back. Someone to close in on the little fires. I need relief.

3) I am not a hero. I never claimed to be. I cannot even save myself. I cannot save my son. Or my daughters. Or my grandson.

4) There is always a Plan B. I don't think that it is the perfect plan. But a plan is a plan is a plan. Now we work it.

5) My life has evolved into a life of letting go. Letting go of dreams. Letting go of relationships. Letting go of what I want. Letting go of what little was left of trying to parent by myself.

And now, like a fire fighter I must go and sift through the ashes and find out why this fire started. How it ignited. And how I can rebuild what has been toasted. It is going to be a dirty job.


Erin said...

I'm sorry, Tara. I'm glad there is a plan B, even if it's imperfect; but I'm sorry you and your son have to use it.

Is he planning to finish out the school year or just get his GED and be done? Maybe community college classes will be in order? Or does he just want to work for awhile?

Bill said...

You're not alone...we're praying for you both.

Bill Dahl

Tara said...

Erin- My son will go to work and then hopefully start school in the fall of next year. I am really praying that he will start to look towards the military again. He wanted to join the Navy last year and then got scared due to the conflict overseas. He will find his way. I know in my heart this to be true. It's the grieving that makes this so raw. I am also grateful for the plan B. And the plan C's. And D's. I guess that I just have to help him and me to fall FORWARD. Thanks for the encouragement.

Bill-Wow!! I can't believe you commented on MY page. You are awesome! Thanks for the prayers. They are much needed. And thanks also for pursuing the cutting edge and making it easier for those of us that are following after real!

Pam said...

whoa..stop writing my story please.
A GED can get him easily into a community collage for 2 years and if his grades are good he can switch to a university...this is what one of my children did.
I love plan B's and C's!! It helps our children learn to think outside of the box.

Tara said...

Pam, you're so cool. Thanks so much. I have to stay focused on the positive. You have helped me do that. And given me some perspective...clear perspective. Thanks sister!! Hugs!

Pat said...

Tell him not to worry. My brother and I both skipped out on the last 2 years of high school, took GEDs, and got our PhDs with no trouble. In fact, we're now both college professors.

High school graduation has no bearing whatever on your ability to succeed in higher education. As far as I can tell, high school in general has no bearing on it.

Tara said...

Thanks so much Pat. I needed to hear that. AND so does my son. I will tell him tonite about your comment. It will inspire him for certain. Life is tough right? And the greatest inspiration comes from those who have gone forward and not settled. Thanks for sharing about you and your brother. HUGS!