Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Fighting The Fires At Home....
I got bad news last week from my sons high school. He will not graduate this year. He is missing 3 credits and even if he takes summer school next June, it will not be enough. I am devastated. My mommy heart broken. My twins were supposed to do this together. Together.
I don't know how this got past me or slipped through my fingers. The guidance counselor didn't catch it either. I feel like I have let my son down. So much has gone on in the past year that for whatever reason....I let this get by me.
Seeing my son give up on trying is the worse part for me. He is a math genius. He loves numbers. He wanted to get his PhD in Mathematics. I'm grieving. For him and me.
After working with the guidance office and with my son, we decided to let him take the test to get his GED. I think it is the only way that he will be able to salvage what is left of his self esteem and his future. He can still go to school. Helping him to find options through my loss, through my pain, through my feelings of failure has not been easy. Lifting him up when I feel like my own arms are broken feels futile at best.
Looking back at my life for the last 5 years.....I realize that there are several things that I have had to come to terms with.
1) That my job as a single mom is one of fighting fires. I fight those huge blazes pretty well, but when I focus on them and try to stop the damage and the flames from devastating my family... the smoldering little fires continue to burn and destroy. But I cannot focus on them. I have all my attention on the blaze in front of me.
2) I fight these fires alone. There is no one by my side. I know...I know...God is there. But I sure could use someone else with a hose to stand beside me. Someone to get my back. Someone to close in on the little fires. I need relief.
3) I am not a hero. I never claimed to be. I cannot even save myself. I cannot save my son. Or my daughters. Or my grandson.
4) There is always a Plan B. I don't think that it is the perfect plan. But a plan is a plan is a plan. Now we work it.
5) My life has evolved into a life of letting go. Letting go of dreams. Letting go of relationships. Letting go of what I want. Letting go of what little was left of trying to parent by myself.
And now, like a fire fighter I must go and sift through the ashes and find out why this fire started. How it ignited. And how I can rebuild what has been toasted. It is going to be a dirty job.