Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Regret & Loss

Regret. Going into the pockets of my heart to expose the things of the past that cannot be changed is so very painful. Going into the "I wishes" and the "If only's" and "Had I knowns" is frightening and painful. For the past 8 years of my life I have really tried to live my life in such a manner as to not leave any regrets in my wake. I have really tried to live my life in the now making good choices so that when I am 80 or 90 I will not be looking back saying "I wonder how that would've turned out if.." or "I wish I had had the courage to.....". And for the most part I have done alright with that. But I have recently come across a few things tucked inside that need some attention.

About a year ago my mom shared with me that she had alot of regret. Funny how I never suspected that from my mom. My MOM had regret? It was a very deep dark time for her when she exposed that to me. She said she was going to let that go. Surrender it. Release it. So when I discovered that there was some regret lingering inside of me naturally I called mom. I love my mom. She shared with me that she hasn't been able to let it all go but that some of the regret has been addressed and changed into a positive force in her life. Relationships lost and damaged are now restored. Instances that were once viewed as failures have been readdressed and are now something that can be learned from. However painful they are to deal with.

Relationship regrets are what I struggle with. I saw A Relationship Person From The Past this weekend. He called to ask for some books back that he had given me. So he stopped over to my house to pick them up. He looked terrible. He was all defenses. All masked. It sucked to see him like that. But I expected nothing less. This is a man who was the one of the singlemost important relationships in my life for 13 years. I know him so very well. And I realized as he pulled out of the driveway that I missed him. I used to be able to talk to him about anything and everything. But he changed this year and became someone that cannot be safe for me. He cannot be a friend. I know that the regret hinges on the past relationship that we had. If I had only known that it would end this way...... If only we had stopped......... The I wish things had been different..... And the sad part about it is that this is a huge loss in my life. A tearing away. And it hurts very deeply. Not the today loss part of it. But the loss of what WAS. The friendship. The familar. The safe. The loss of a very deep very intimate relationship. I will never have that again with this person.

A friend of mine shared with me that she is also struggling with regret. The "what if's" are plaguing her. Funny how when we choose to do the 'right thing' there are so many regrets. How can we follow our heart when the word says that it is evil and deceitful? How can we make decisions based on logic when emotion holds none of that? I think that the older I get the more regret surfaces. As a woman this is usually centered around my heart. Around relationships lost or passed over. Choices made based on the "for the family" or " for the church" or "it's the right thing to do". That regret seeps into the fibre of who we are. And it rests there. Builds a home. And we carry it with us.

Life is risky. Relationships are risky. Day to day is risky. We try to make the best choices possible. I know that in order to move forward in my life I have to expose the regrets. Deal with the losses. To bring them to the light so that they can be healed. Removed. Changed. To benefit me. I'm not entirely sure how to do this. But I know that I will grieve. I will feel the loss. I also know that an element of letting this all go is to give it to the Master. To surrender the broken wants. The broken dreams. The broken heart. And let him do his thing with it. I know that I also have to trust that he will make all things right.

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