Monday, September 15, 2008

Thru The Lookng Glass

Recently I have been weeding my way thru alot of conflict. Conflict over my job. Conflict over my schedule. Drive time. Money. Conflict with my teens over who rides "shot-gun". Most of these things I have some control over. As mom I can decide where the money goes or doesn't go. Who rides "shot-gun" when. Where I work and if I continue to hang on to what is left of my job.
But the most recent conflict that I have had to go thru has been within. One of the key cornerstones of my whole recovery walk has been to try to wade thru the feelings. For me feelings are never hard to find or figure out. I am so in touch with my feelings that at times they can steer me. Propel me in the wrong direction. Taint reality. Make me react in ways that are not appropriate to the situation. I may not show it on the outside but on the inside the reaction is under way.
The hardest thing for me to do is to establish if these are feelings or facts. If I feel rejected does that mean that I am being rejected? If I feel abandoned does that mean that I am being abandonded? If I feel like I am being pushed away does that mean that I am being pushed away or are my feelings so close to the top that the slightest waft of negativity brings about the shadows of the past. The rejection. The fear. The pain. The lonliness? A recent stuggle has reappeared in my life. A struggle that came to the surface earlier this year and I did not address it the recovery way. I picked up old tools of coping in the hopes that it would make it go away. That the pain would disappear. I worked thru the feelings but the conflict was never addressed. The feelings were not stuffed. They were shelved. Put in a jar with the lid tightly screwed in place and set high up on an emotional banking shelf. There they sat. Unaddressed. Until recently. That jar is now being placed back in my hands to examine. Address. And reconcile. Rejection. Not up to par. The feelings and the voices in my head tell me to RUN! RUN! Go away and be safe. RUN! Get outta there! Get away from the hurt. And here is the thing. I can run. Which is something that I don't do in the physical. BUT I do it in the emotional. I pack it up. Load the car and take off. Set my course for anyplace but where I am at that is causing the discomfort. I check out at the door. I emotionally distance myself from the conflict. I don't like conflict. I don't like anger. I don't like working it out.
You'd think that with a marriage with a drug user. Twin teenagers. A messy life. And whose life isn't messy? You'd think that working thru conflict would be a simple thing for me. But is isn't. I want peace. I want serenity. I want to belong. I want to be accepted. I want to be needed. So when conflict comes my way it really does almost physically hurt me.
So with this season ( when did i step into this season?) of conflict. I have a choice. Actually several choices. A choice with each conflict that arises. Do I work thru the feelings. Get honest. Work toward resolution? Get to the reality of the situation? Find the facts and reason. Do some more reparenting? Or do I go on my emotion? Living one day at a time on feelings?
I guess that it is time for me to confront my fear and walk forward. Otherwise this stuff just resurfaces again and again. I have to choose to open the jar. Open the wound. Examine the original pain. And work towards restoration. I can't do that if I am constantly ducking and running for cover. I have to trust that God knows what He is doing in my life and that He will work all this out. I just have to be able to keep walking and not chicken out. I have to see this thru and see what the next season will be. Feelings or facts.
I sure hope it is one that has alot less baggage.


Happy said...

i don't like conflict either. as a fellow "often-tempted-to-run" sister in Christ, i say, good for you for sticking it out, even when it's scary. i am so proud of you, Tara - your road has never been easy, but you are seeking to walk it well, and i know God is honored by that. blessings, my sister.


Tara said...

Thanks Happy! Wow I needed that big hug you just sent! I wanted to email you but I couldn't find a link. Shoot me an email so that we can correspond. I wanted your wisdom and support thru this last round of conflict but couldn't contact you. I've been a little out of the loop recently due to this fire fighting...but I am doing great now. Thanks for stopping in. HUGS!