As most of you know, I am working thru the 12 steps written out by Bill W of AA. I started this time around last January. This is NOT my first time thru the steps but I have to be honest here…it is my first time thru the steps for ME. My only motive was and is to clean out this vessel that I am and reach for MORE. More healthy behavior. More clarity of mind. More purpose. More serenity. More. Just more than what this life has handed me. I am tired of mediocre. Mediocrity sucks. So I am at the 11 step. Almost done.
The funny thing is….is that this time thru these steps I am really reaching for a pure heart. Reaching and striving for the true motives of my heart to be revealed. This isn’t always pretty to see. But, regardless if I like what is revealed, I better be ready to confront it and change it if possible. Right? So Upon reaching the part where I make amends to those that I have harmed…There is my ex husband (whom I haven’t addressed yet). My kids. Robert my ex boyfriend. Myself. And that was it…I thought. Until OZ got in touch with me.
You see in my life, I have developed a pattern of always reaching for men who are unavailable. I attract men that are not healthy for me one way or the other. I attract men that I have to rescue. NOT healthy for a co-dependent woman.
Background into OZ. I met him while I worked as a Corporal in dispatch at an ambulance company. He was and still is 8 yrs younger than me. OZ didn’t need to be rescued at all. At the time, OZ was one of the best EMT Cardiac techs on my crew. He was handsome. Owned his own house. Owned his own boat. His own cars. He was responsible. He was a Christian. He was a respected man among his peers. He had a great body and mind. He was kind. AND I was his girlfriend.
What happened is that I thought he was too good for me. I wasn’t good enough for him. I was going thru the process of a divorce. I had baggage. I had my tubes tied, so I knew I could never give him his own babies. I had debts. I had kids. I didn’t think that I could ever give him what he deserved. So I let the relationship go. I cried over this many many times. But it wasn’t until he got in touch with me that I realized the depth of my reasons as to why I broke off the relationship. I had to take that fearless moral inventory and that trip inside my heart. It didn’t feel good. I was running from him because I was sure that I would fuck up his life one way or the other. I didn’t want to do that at all. He was and is a good man. And at the time, I thought that there was no way that I could ever make him happy. So, I let him go thinking I was doing what was best for him. I changed jobs. I moved on with my life. A year after we broke up, OZ called me to take me out for lunch. He told me that he was getting married. At the time, I was in shock. I mean this is what I wanted for him right? Of course. I stuffed my feelings. I comforted myself with the belief that I did the right thing for him. He had found someone who could give him babies and a future. Someone his own age. Someone for him to love and be loved by. I went to his wedding. I danced at his reception. I was happy for him. His wife had gotten a good man. A solid man. His wife was lucky. I went home and cried some more. Knowing that I had surrendered one of the best men I had ever known. I had surrendered someone that I deeply loved and deeply respected. Still thinking that there was a better woman out there for him. Someone better than me. I was still convinced that I would have destroyed him.
I never saw OZ again. Every time I saw one of the ambulance’s drive by, I was looking for his face. I thought about him at various times of the year. And each time I did, I hoped and prayed that he was happy. I heard that he had a baby girl. This helped me know that I had walked away and he had walked into a role that every good man wants. Fatherhood.
Then, last week, 5 yrs later….OZ contacted me. I was ecstatic. I secretly hoped that his marriage had fallen apart. I hoped that he missed me. I hoped that somehow our relationship would resume. I was now ready for a good man. THIS was NOT the case. We met at a local bagel place. He still looked amazing. He told me I looked amazing (I had lost 100 lbs since I last saw him). He still has the most amazing little laugh and that drop dead smile. He was warm. He was interested in what I had to say. He also told me that he was HAPPY. He has 2 beautiful children. A boy and a girl who are the spitting image of him. He does the Mr. Mom thing when his wife works. I would expect nothing less from him than to be a totally devoted daddy. He is just a good man. That is who he is. I found out that his dad died. His dad was also a very good man. One of the warmest and most genuine men that I had ever met. OZ is now a PAL tech. There aren’t very many PAL certified techs around. He is certified to work on babies and children in 911 situations. He is a good man. With a good heart. He is also someone else’s husband.
OZ and I exchanged words from the heart. We told each other that we still think about each other at particular times over specific situations. These things belong to OZ:
**Super 80’s music.** Pumpkin patches and hay rides.** Ambulances of any shape or size or color.** Pontiac Firebirds.** Ferrets.** Painted toenails slipped inside silky stockings.** ***Whipped cream in a can.***
So this is my attempt to make my amends to OZ. I want him to know how very proud I was to be his girlfriend. How very proud of him I am now. I am honored that he calls me friend. I am blessed that he still thinks that I am a good woman. He let me know with his words and his heart that I was worthy of his time and his attention on Saturday morning. I am honored that he values me.
Looking back is good to do at times. There are always those things like: