Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Sexual Fantasies & Intimacy

Topic: Sexual Intimacy

A woman said: when me and my husband have sex, I have really been trying to NOT fantasize in my head that I am having sex with someone else. I have realized that when I do this it doesn't please God. And it is a really TOUGH thing to do! To stay present in the moment.

Now I gotta unpack this.

I know that for me in my life right now...trying to stay sexually pure is not just a sharing my body kinda thing. It's also a share my mind kinda thing. I gotta keep it pure. It's tough. But I am doing it. I am not reaching for the comfort of emotional sexual fantasies that keep my loneliness and longing in check.

Years ago during my recovery process from the effects of incest, I realized that I was having outrageous sexual fantasies while I was having sex with my husband. It took some time and digging but I realized that what I was doing was avoiding the bare intimacy that came with sharing my body. Sex isn't just a body thing. It is a mind thing. A spirit thing. A soul thing. I was damaged by my abuse on all those levels. Intimacy was damaged when I was incested by my father. It broke and shattered my ability to connect on a soul level. As a result of that I entertained sexual fantasies that included bondage and abuse. That was what my soul (my inner child) had experienced and what I was accustomed I hid myself there. It took some time, but with the help of my counselor and group, I was able to get 'present' and stay 'present'. I cried many many tears thru that healing process. It wasn't the intimacy that I was afraid of and trying to avoid. It was fear. Fear of being hurt. Fear of the exposure of my heart. Blind inner terror. And my mind tried to protect me by engaging my fantasies without me even realizing why or worse yet...that I was further damaging myself.

Luke 17:2 says:
It would be better for him to be thrown into the sea with a millstone tied around his neck than for him to cause one of these little ones to sin.
Let me just add right here that I consider any type of abuse of a child is an act worthy of having a millstone tied around your neck and cast into the sea!!
God in his infinite mercy and for pure love of us created us so amazing adaptable. When abuse occurs our defenses kick in. Fight or flight. For me and my abuse and the intimacy that was provoked by sexual flight defense kicked in. I was 'emotionally' OUT OF THERE!! Thus the sexual fantasies...They allowed me to 'escape'.

For the women that struggle with this form of escape...and it is an escape...I ask you what are you running from? Is it the intimacy and the bareness of the soul? Is it a way to protect that part of you that is still broken? Or is it mirroring the damage that was already done?
Perhaps you trying to get even or punish yourself? Your partner?

Intimacy is something that can only be attained if the walls are knocked down. We have to allow the Holy Spirit to take a sledge hammer or a bull dozer to it. It isn't easy. It hurts. But I know that there is freedom there when we allow the fresh wind to blow thru.

Laying bare all that has been wounded, deformed, broken, tarnished, scarred, is what He desires of us. Then and only then...when we get really honest with ourselves and Him, can He do His thing.

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