Friday, August 22, 2008
Season Of Uncertainty....More Changes
I've written so much about the "YEAR OF CHANGES" that God promised me this year. As we know, God is not a liar. He doesn't pull our leg. He doesn't exaggerate. He doesn't just blow smoke.
I know that He told me that morsel for a reason. I guess to maybe prepare me for what would be seasons of change. Seasons that turn and morph and develop into something that I never anticipated or expected.
Change is that I am moving. New house. New county. New everything. This is a pretty profound shift. You see one of the things that I love about where I lived is the community around me. My kids have established friends. Established network. Solid people that are just a few doors down. MY house was where all the teenagers would gather to hang. My house will now be empty. Some of the most amazing things in my life in the past year have happened in my neighborhood. The amazing things that I speak of are the relationships that have been built. Orphans that need me and cling to the love I give them. Lonely teen girls that call ME mommy. Young men that seek out the cushies that I have to pour over them. I will miss these young people so much. MY GOD my heart is pierced. I am grieving. I feel as tho I am leaving my own kids behind me!! I sometimes wish I didn't have to love so deeply and feel so much!! My own teens will be moving to a new area where they know NO ONE. I will continue to drive them out of county so that they can graduate with their friends this year. But the sands under our feet are shifting. It feels very frightening.
The NEW house is lovely. Cedar siding. Beautiful inside. And almost $400 a month cheaper than my last rental. This is the reason for the move. I am trying to be wise and fore think. In the end....what matters is that I will be able to provide a roof over my head and my kids heads. And for a period of time....my single mom daughter and my 4 mth old grandson. My family is everything and I have to cover them. But I am tired.
Another change. My hours at work have been cut. My salary will be reduced by $200 a wk. I am the sole support of my entire family. Single mom. No support from Absent Father. I am scared. I know that my God has always taken care of us. He has never let us fall or be without shelter, food, or a job. The uncertainty that I am carrying feels like a huge elephant sitting on my chest. I cannot take in a full breath without feeling its weight crush me.
All I can do is trust that this will all work out. Every step I take feels like I am going to fall off the edge. I am SO DAMN TIRED OF DOING ALL THIS ALONE!! I'm tired.
How much really can I handle? I am being compressed from all sides. I feel like King David surrounded by his enemies. And all I can do is scream out to HIM that holds all this in His hands. All I can do is trust that the God that told me there were many changes coming is well in control of orchestrating them all without leaving me bleeding, broken, and bruised.