Beacuse I Can't Be There In Person....

The Dance Of Love

I've seen this video several times and each time I watch it the Holy Spirit just reaches in and grabs my heart. Watch it and tell me how it reaches you.

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What I see is the dance of love. She meets Jesus and they dance the dance of love. He wants to show her so much to give her so much. He marvels over her and his creation. She touches Him briefly.

Then life zooms in and chokes her back. Sex or lust or attention gets her focus first. Then enter seeking after money or security. Friends also take a toll. Alcohol or drugs or pornography or whatever addiction steals us away. Robs us of peace. Then prostitution. Selling ourselves out. Maybe not to the street but to pain. Desperation. Feelings. Pride. Then the act of cutting. Wounding ourselves on the outside to kill the pain on the inside. The separation from HIM.

And the whole time HE is there. Beckoning to us to come to him. He is waiting. He is watching the pain. Watching the brokenness. He cannot rescue us from that which we steep ourselves in. He waits. He watches. All the while reaching out. Calling out.

Then the final battle. To end it all. Suicide. She can't because she knows He is there. She just has to find her way back. But there is a fight. A spiritual fight and a fleshly battle. She is knocked down repeatedly trying to get back to SAFE. Just within reach she struggles to get back. And He is reaching for the hand that is seeking.

But He cannot interfere with this fight. It is hers. Not until she hits her knees can He step in. And he does. He takes the blows. He takes the hits again and again. Just like the nails that were driven into his hands and feet. Hit after hit.

And she is restored. The things of the world that tried to destroy and maim and kill are powerless over her. He lifts her to her feet. He brushes her off. He offers her freedom and awe once more. All things are new. Just like her. He marvels over HER.

And she is free. And they dance that dance of love. They dance.

Who Does She Think She Is??

Kathy my friend with the carnival in her head wrote a magnificent post about women and the bondage that we fall under and into. Go here http://kathyescobar.com/2008/08/22/who-does-she-think-she-is/ to read this. It is a must read. And please follow her links to "SHE" and "Who Does She Think She Is?"..... just amazing what women are doing. Young and old women. Risking. Stepping out of the norm.

One of the things that I have written so much about lately is my level of fear and all the changes and shifts that keep occuring in my life. Sometimes all I can do is whisper 'Father be with me' and He is there. Desparate heart and mind scream inside of me...seeking hands reaching....wanting Him to just hold me...to make it ok. To make me safe.

After reading Kathy's post I came away empowered. I remembered that I am ok to be afraid. But I am also OK to risk. Risk always involves an element of fear. Always. Stepping out. Change is scary.

Erin (decompressing faith) and Pam (how god messed up my religeon) (you can follow the links at my sidebar to thier blogs. I haven't quite figured out how to link here yet so follow the links provided. Anyway Erin and Pam did the poem below and it is also posted on Kathy's post but it is worthy so worthy of posting here as well. The poem describes my TARA on the inside. I hope it touches you as much as it touches me. It's all about the risk.

the sinful woman at simon the pharisees house luke 7:36-50
she busted through the door

fell at this feet

desperate, searching, certain that He’d

give her something she craved.

peace. understanding. hope.

they scoffed. how could she?

how could He?

her type’s not welcome here.

this gathering, it’s for the together,the smart, the boys, the elite.

welcome or not, she knew she

had to get there.

to His feet.

to lay before Him

and offer her tears, her heart,

her thanks.

the sweet smell of perfume mixed with

her tears

filled the courtyard.

and the bystanders gaped.

you can’t do that. we’re talking

theology here

and you want to weep,

to fall all over yourself?

yes, He affirms. she gets it.

this is the theology He’s talking about.

she understands.

believes.

accepts.

doesn’t care if she’s misunderstood.

she knows He forgives.

He loves. He believes in her when

nobody else does.

and because of her past, all the mistakes,

raw and real.

because of her desperation,

her unwillingness to hide or pretend

because of her humility,her openness to healing.

she receives.

may i be like her,

unhindered byhuman-created norms,

breaking the rules.

causing heads to turn.

risking my pride.

seeking Truth,

willing to find Him at all costs.

- spring 2007

Relocating & Locating It All

I moved this weekend. We started loading the U-Haul at around 6pm Friday night. We were done unloading the truck at my new place by 9:38 the same night! Phenominal I know. I am still quite blown away by it all. Moving is one of those things that people say "you know who your true friends are when you move"....yep. Guess that has some ring of truth to it. I never really knew that I had so many friends. I am still quite blown away. In all...I had 21 people (including my kids) descend upon my old house and move me to my new house. 21 people.

I had my church community. Some of these people I have had issues with in the past. But they were there for me and my kids. Church People and I don't do so well. Perhaps I could try to see them as part of my community? Rather than Church People? Perhaps I have segregated myself from them to a degree that goes beyond what it should be? Perhaps I have in the past expected far too much from them? I am being pinged on the head by the Holy Spirit over this one. I know that these Church People love me and my family. I have seen it with my eyes and felt it brush past my heart. They care. They were there. They still are. Now the women are bringing me dinner all this week to fill in the gaps of my life. Splendid. I am really honored beyond words by this gesture. It lightens my load. It is something that if I was asked if I wanted I would say no. It just seems like a pretty intimate and profoundly personal thing to do....

It is alot. Prepare the food. Deliver it. It is risky. And to have someone do that for me is....very intense. SO the Pastor told them not to ask me if I wanted this gift. He just said to 'do it' and they are and I am feeling the pangs. It feels kind of dependant of me. I am depending on them. That scares me. Feelings aren't facts.

Of the 21 people that helped me move were my friends Paul and Dena. I have written about Dena's battle with cancer this year. She was there moving me. How humbling is that? Dena completed her chemo and radiation recently and the scans say that the hot spots are down to a 3. Dena is losing her hair but she is still so very beautiful. She is lovely. I just have to say that this woman inspires me. Hands down more than anyone has in a very very long time.

The Camping Goddess was there with a horse trailor of all things. I just had to laugh out loud at the thought of all my stuff where horeses stand. Do you know how many boxes a horse trailor can hold?? As long as the weight limit isn't over 1000lbs the Camping Goddess says....it'll be fine.

Most of my 'adopted' kids were there to help me. I love these children that are not my own. How my heart misses them already. Although I know that this quiet time in my life is a season. It is much needed. I will miss the kids hanging out and hanging with me. But for a time...I need some down time. My life is gearing up for what is to come.

Now that I am upacked. Pictures and curtains are hung. I am not functioning on automatic. I am physically exhausted. Mentally plucked. Emotionally drianed. Spiritually tazered. So much to process. I push and push and push myself so that my kids have 'stable' around them. I will function on little sleep so that my house is HOME for them as quickly as possible. I have to do this. I lessens the trauma for them...and me. I need safe. It isn't safe when everything is in boxes and bags.

For me the greatest blessing of all this whole moving experience is that two of my friends called me after the move just to tell me that I am loved. One said "Tara, there is no one that I know that doesn't love you"..."everyone just LOVES you". And the Camping Goddess...she is a spiritualist type of carma stuff kind of gal....says.."Did you see that energy and love that you attract? Do you see what you bring to others? You created that love that was poured out?......

It's a mystery to me how someone like me could have such wonderful friends and lovers of my heart and soul. It's a mystery. I am beyond comprehending being valued like I have been. It really puts a spin and shoots the shit out of the tapes that play inside my head that 'no one loves me".....ya know what I mean??

Shifts and changes. This is not the last change to come. There are more on the way.

Denying Paternity

So today we were at Family Court for child support for my granson Joe. The father has never seen Joe before. You would think that he would at least try to catch a glimpse of his beautiful son. But there was no effort.

When we went before the judge the case was withdrawn. Baby's Daddy is denying that he fathered my grandson. There will be DNA test ordered. This is an act of buying time.

My daughter was devastated. It killed me to see that happen to her. She came face to face with the man that abused her. The same man that tried to make her abort. And she was so strong. But then came his denial of his own son. And the devastation and broken heart of my daughter came to the surface.

As a mom trying to be there for her and Joe I felt so helpless. I couldn't change any of this. All there is to do now is pray that God will continue to hold both of them tightly in his hands.

There Will Always Be Music.....

When there aren't enough words ....there is always music

Hand Of Providence & Comfort

Father carry me thru this season. It hurts. I need your hand to sustain me. I need your shoulder to catch my tears. I need to know that the teens that I leave behind will remember your name that so freely flowed from my lips. Let them remember that you are there when I am not. Comfort my grieving heart as this new season of change comes and goes.

Season Of Uncertainty....More Changes

I've written so much about the "YEAR OF CHANGES" that God promised me this year. As we know, God is not a liar. He doesn't pull our leg. He doesn't exaggerate. He doesn't just blow smoke.

I know that He told me that morsel for a reason. I guess to maybe prepare me for what would be seasons of change. Seasons that turn and morph and develop into something that I never anticipated or expected.

Change is that I am moving. New house. New county. New everything. This is a pretty profound shift. You see one of the things that I love about where I lived is the community around me. My kids have established friends. Established network. Solid people that are just a few doors down. MY house was where all the teenagers would gather to hang. My house will now be empty. Some of the most amazing things in my life in the past year have happened in my neighborhood. The amazing things that I speak of are the relationships that have been built. Orphans that need me and cling to the love I give them. Lonely teen girls that call ME mommy. Young men that seek out the cushies that I have to pour over them. I will miss these young people so much. MY GOD my heart is pierced. I am grieving. I feel as tho I am leaving my own kids behind me!! I sometimes wish I didn't have to love so deeply and feel so much!! My own teens will be moving to a new area where they know NO ONE. I will continue to drive them out of county so that they can graduate with their friends this year. But the sands under our feet are shifting. It feels very frightening.

The NEW house is lovely. Cedar siding. Beautiful inside. And almost $400 a month cheaper than my last rental. This is the reason for the move. I am trying to be wise and fore think. In the end....what matters is that I will be able to provide a roof over my head and my kids heads. And for a period of time....my single mom daughter and my 4 mth old grandson. My family is everything and I have to cover them. But I am tired.

Another change. My hours at work have been cut. My salary will be reduced by $200 a wk. I am the sole support of my entire family. Single mom. No support from Absent Father. I am scared. I know that my God has always taken care of us. He has never let us fall or be without shelter, food, or a job. The uncertainty that I am carrying feels like a huge elephant sitting on my chest. I cannot take in a full breath without feeling its weight crush me.

All I can do is trust that this will all work out. Every step I take feels like I am going to fall off the edge. I am SO DAMN TIRED OF DOING ALL THIS ALONE!! I'm tired.

How much really can I handle? I am being compressed from all sides. I feel like King David surrounded by his enemies. And all I can do is scream out to HIM that holds all this in His hands. All I can do is trust that the God that told me there were many changes coming is well in control of orchestrating them all without leaving me bleeding, broken, and bruised.

The Heart - The Tongue - And The Abundance Of Them Both

I can't count the number of times that I have told my children..."You better check your heart"....meaning that they need to examine their motive for doing or wanting something.

Words like "Out of the abundance of the HEART the MOUTH speaks"...that's a good one to give to your raging PMSing teen age daughter!!

The truth is that the error isn't in the mouth or the tongue. It starts in the heart. The word is filled with scriptures that teach and correct and exhort us to be mindful of the tongue.

"There is power of life and death in the tongue"

James 3:3-4 (NLT) "We can make a large horse turn around and go wherever we want by means of a small bit in its mouth. And a tiny rudder makes a huge ship turn wherever the pilot wants it to go, even though the winds are strong."

Our mouth and words we speak. The words we throw. The words we spew are generated by the heart. The are formed in the secret place that no one sees. But the cool thing about all this is that the motive of the heart is always revealed eventually. Good or bad.

Sarcasm is a great tip off. If sarcasm is used often it tells me that there is unaddressed anger and bitterness that quite possibly is poisoning the heart. I was taught that SARCASM is a form of 'anger turned inward' which usually develops into depression. BUT if it is turned outward again it manifests itself as sarcasm. Something to think about. Do you know any really sarcastic people? If you are into analyzing things...think on this one! And then let me know what you come up with.

Joking and foolish talk is another clue into the heart. A fake smile. A way of hiding what is inside. A mask. A way of avoiding pain. A way to not address feelings that we don't think that matter to others. Or are afraid to risk sharing.

My kids can quote the above verses by heart and do often when they are talking to each other. Especially when one of them blows it. Get mouthy or disrespectful. Which for me is cool to watch as the mom that 'trained them up'.

BUT I wonder...perhaps I should have taken this further and challenged the heart of my kids. Not just addressed the tongue. Perhaps, I have taught them to hide that heart by leading them by my example. You know as a mom with twins graduating this year and a 24 yr old daughter hoping to FINALLY leave the nest....I wonder if I have truly prepared them for life 'out there'. I think that I have forgotten to give them a few tools for their toolboxes. Such as self examination. Lamenting over their path. Charting out where they are and where they want to be and HOW to get there.

I think I still have some work to do in the little time I have left with them under my roof......

For Erin....And Others

This is me before weighing in at 425+.

And me after at 190. Thanks for the strokes!!

You know I look back at this "Tara" and all I see is pain. I see a lady that was drowning herself in fat. I am barely visable. My face is distorted. My heart wrecked. This is the direct result of 15 years of a very unhappy marriage. And years of emotional abuse.

I once was lost...but now I'm found....

Breakfast In OZ

This is a post that I did last year and I have chose to repost it again today....because it is relvant to where I'm at....Just For Today!!

I had an interesting breakfast Saturday morning. I went to OZ. Not the actual OZ as in the Wizard, and Dorothy. There were no munchkins present. OZ is an old boyfriend that recently got in touch with me. I was so excited to see him. And by the way…he looks awesome…still!
As most of you know, I am working thru the 12 steps written out by Bill W of AA. I started this time around last January. This is NOT my first time thru the steps but I have to be honest here…it is my first time thru the steps for ME. My only motive was and is to clean out this vessel that I am and reach for MORE. More healthy behavior. More clarity of mind. More purpose. More serenity. More. Just more than what this life has handed me. I am tired of mediocre. Mediocrity sucks. So I am at the 11 step. Almost done.
The funny thing is….is that this time thru these steps I am really reaching for a pure heart. Reaching and striving for the true motives of my heart to be revealed. This isn’t always pretty to see. But, regardless if I like what is revealed, I better be ready to confront it and change it if possible. Right? So Upon reaching the part where I make amends to those that I have harmed…There is my ex husband (whom I haven’t addressed yet). My kids. Robert my ex boyfriend. Myself. And that was it…I thought. Until OZ got in touch with me.
You see in my life, I have developed a pattern of always reaching for men who are unavailable. I attract men that are not healthy for me one way or the other. I attract men that I have to rescue. NOT healthy for a co-dependent woman.
Background into OZ. I met him while I worked as a Corporal in dispatch at an ambulance company. He was and still is 8 yrs younger than me. OZ didn’t need to be rescued at all. At the time, OZ was one of the best EMT Cardiac techs on my crew. He was handsome. Owned his own house. Owned his own boat. His own cars. He was responsible. He was a Christian. He was a respected man among his peers. He had a great body and mind. He was kind. AND I was his girlfriend.
What happened is that I thought he was too good for me. I wasn’t good enough for him. I was going thru the process of a divorce. I had baggage. I had my tubes tied, so I knew I could never give him his own babies. I had debts. I had kids. I didn’t think that I could ever give him what he deserved. So I let the relationship go. I cried over this many many times. But it wasn’t until he got in touch with me that I realized the depth of my reasons as to why I broke off the relationship. I had to take that fearless moral inventory and that trip inside my heart. It didn’t feel good. I was running from him because I was sure that I would fuck up his life one way or the other. I didn’t want to do that at all. He was and is a good man. And at the time, I thought that there was no way that I could ever make him happy. So, I let him go thinking I was doing what was best for him. I changed jobs. I moved on with my life. A year after we broke up, OZ called me to take me out for lunch. He told me that he was getting married. At the time, I was in shock. I mean this is what I wanted for him right? Of course. I stuffed my feelings. I comforted myself with the belief that I did the right thing for him. He had found someone who could give him babies and a future. Someone his own age. Someone for him to love and be loved by. I went to his wedding. I danced at his reception. I was happy for him. His wife had gotten a good man. A solid man. His wife was lucky. I went home and cried some more. Knowing that I had surrendered one of the best men I had ever known. I had surrendered someone that I deeply loved and deeply respected. Still thinking that there was a better woman out there for him. Someone better than me. I was still convinced that I would have destroyed him.
I never saw OZ again. Every time I saw one of the ambulance’s drive by, I was looking for his face. I thought about him at various times of the year. And each time I did, I hoped and prayed that he was happy. I heard that he had a baby girl. This helped me know that I had walked away and he had walked into a role that every good man wants. Fatherhood.
Then, last week, 5 yrs later….OZ contacted me. I was ecstatic. I secretly hoped that his marriage had fallen apart. I hoped that he missed me. I hoped that somehow our relationship would resume. I was now ready for a good man. THIS was NOT the case. We met at a local bagel place. He still looked amazing. He told me I looked amazing (I had lost 100 lbs since I last saw him). He still has the most amazing little laugh and that drop dead smile. He was warm. He was interested in what I had to say. He also told me that he was HAPPY. He has 2 beautiful children. A boy and a girl who are the spitting image of him. He does the Mr. Mom thing when his wife works. I would expect nothing less from him than to be a totally devoted daddy. He is just a good man. That is who he is. I found out that his dad died. His dad was also a very good man. One of the warmest and most genuine men that I had ever met. OZ is now a PAL tech. There aren’t very many PAL certified techs around. He is certified to work on babies and children in 911 situations. He is a good man. With a good heart. He is also someone else’s husband.
OZ and I exchanged words from the heart. We told each other that we still think about each other at particular times over specific situations. These things belong to OZ:

**Super 80’s music.** Pumpkin patches and hay rides.** Ambulances of any shape or size or color.** Pontiac Firebirds.** Ferrets.** Painted toenails slipped inside silky stockings.** ***Whipped cream in a can.***

The regret that was tucked into those secret pockets of my heart have to be released.Funny how regret can be so hidden. So deeply tucked into the heart and mind that we don’t even realize it is there until something happens to come along to stroke it up. The regret is mine. The yearning for a good man is mine. I am ready for that now. I truly believe that with all my heart that I am ready and good enough for a good man. I deserve a good man.
So this is my attempt to make my amends to OZ. I want him to know how very proud I was to be his girlfriend. How very proud of him I am now. I am honored that he calls me friend. I am blessed that he still thinks that I am a good woman. He let me know with his words and his heart that I was worthy of his time and his attention on Saturday morning. I am honored that he values me.
Looking back is good to do at times. There are always those things like:

I wonder if we would have made it? I wonder what would’ve happened if??

I don’t know the answers. But I do know that we are both OK right where we are in life. And those two babies that call him daddy may have never came to be if I had tried to hold on. In the meantime, OZ has assured me that he will be on the lookout for any single men to hook me up with. I trust his judgement. Good men attract Good men. And that is what I want. Nothing less.

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Preparing For Disappointment....The Sky Is Falling Chicken Little

I was talking to Lady Mentor yesterday and I was able to share with her this huge Ball 'O Fear that I have been carrying around lately. I am not just talking about your everyday kind of fear. I am talking about the kind of fear that clouds everything in view. The kind of fear that taints the world. It is a free floating anxiety. In every area across every spectrum in my life. No cause that is in front of me that I can see and not an effect of something that exists. Just fear.

I couldn't wait to get to Lady Mentors office....I just needed safe and she is safe. As soon as I sat down I burst into tears. I was safe and I had to give away what was inside tormenting me. I was just scared.

We tried to nail down where it was coming from. What area is creating this fear?

As it turned out there isn't an area of my life that isn't filled with fear.

I try so hard to be strong. I try so hard to not react to the feelings inside. I try so hard to take the thoughts captive and surrender them. But there is no capturing these thoughts. I present myself as strong. I present myself as a survivor. I never lean on anyone. I have never been able to. So I suck it up....stuff my guts back inside and move on. Step by torturous step. Knowing that my kids are counting on me. Knowing that I am all they have. And I always feel like I am not enough. I am almost empty.

Someone asked me the other day "when was the last time you could RELY on someone??" and ya know for the life of me I couldn't remember a time when I ever could rely on anyone but me. I couldn't rely on my parents. My spouse. My boyfriends. My kids. My church. My pastor. The only thing that I have ever really relied on other than God was ME. And let me tell you....that is a pretty scary thought. To go thru life without being able to count on anyone other than me. I have felt all my life like I was alone. Alone carrying the weight of the world.

Getting back to Lady Mentor..... She said something to me that was one of the biggest truths I have ever heard spoken over me. Ya see I can discern and prophetically speak over others but myself?? No way. But when I hear God speak thru someone TO me I know it is for me. And here is what she said.....

"You Prepare For Disappointment"

And so I received that word spoken over me. Processed it all night. Cried several hours over it. I am now feeling it to my bones. At the very center of who I am. How is it that I can live my life preparing for disappointment? Where did it come from? There are so many lines to trace back. So many "tapes" to unwind with this one. I know that if I expect to be disappointed..then I am not completely caught off guard when the disappointment comes. It doesn't hurt as much. I doesn't cut as deep. I am not nearly destroyed as I would be if I had not expected it. But the question that I am wrestling with right now is this: IF I am preparing for the disappointment then am I setting myself up for failure? Do I have a natural propensity to expect failure of me and others? Am I just waiting to be hurt? Left behind? Abandoned? Tossed out? Thrown away?

But the one part of this that is most profound about the chewing of this truth is that I realized that if I am preparing for disappointment...then I am not truly living in today. Then I am anticipating failure. MY failure. My demise. I am trying to prevent pain and disappointment from touching me and my kids but as a result of that I am kind of shutting off and out some major stuff I think. I am not sure about this....but I believe that is how this is working in my life right now.

I am not enjoying the journey if I am in a constant state of hypervigilence. Waiting for the other shoe to drop. Processing that thought was difficult in a one hour time span with Lady Mentor. But we were able to nail down quite a few things in my life that are spinning out of MY control that would induce and propel this anxiety and fear of disappointment.....such as:

My finances and the potential for a layoff.

My relationship with my kids and did I do everything that I could to prepare them for life?

Child Support and the fact that the Absent Father is $24K behind.

Kids graduating high school this year and will they make it and THEN what?

My goal to go to nursing school, how will I pay for it? Will I be able to handle the schedule?

Will I always be single and alone?

What is to become of me????

The sky is falling Chicken Little.....

Bekkah' Eyes

My daughter Bekkah has the most amazing ability to see things and capture them on film. She amazes me. This is a simple picture of a flower taken at the National Zoo. Bekkah was surrounded by all kinds of animals and she saw this and had to snap it.

All the zoo pics were posted below were taken by this amazing young woman I am proud to call my daughter.

While I was going thru the pics from the zoo, this is the one that made me stop and take a breath. I pray that Bekkah finds her place in the world...and that by this gift she has with photography she can make it a better place for us all!

Something Tells Me It's All Happening At The Zoo...I Do Believe It's True!

Little Girl Restored

Last night I came face to face with really how far I have come with my recovery and my walk with the Father.

To most victims of child abuse that occurs at the hands of their father....to have a relationship with the Father in heaven is unthinkable. Our view of the Father is tainted and distorted by the abuse that was perpetrated against us by the one that was supposed to love us, protect us, nurture us.

In my early recovery, I couldn't have a relationship with the Father. As a survivor of incest it just wouldn't come. I got caught up in thinking that He expected me to perform for him. That the Father would abandon me like my earthly father did. The Father was not touchable, attainable, and I feared Him. I certainly didn't or couldn't or wouldn't trust Him.

Giving my love to Jesus (my friend, my confidant, my comfort, my protector) is where the love of the Father was able to permeate into my heart. Jesus said that 'he who has seen me has seen the Father'......let that sink in. Jesus and the Father worked really hard at gently stripping away the layers of protection that I had developed to stay safe. They deconstructed me.....but I had to be willing. And because I trusted Jesus, the Father was able to work a really awesome miracle of restoration within my heart and soul and spirit. He healed the broken little girl that was still trapped by trauma. He was able to reach the broken little girl within me.

What do we have as our CORE message?? For me it was:

"No One Wants Me"...."I'm Not Good Enough"

But I have been restored. I have learned that I no longer have to win the approval of the Father.

I was able to give back a little of that same love that has been poured over me. My friend has young daughters. While watching these beautiful girls, I asked my friend "Could anything that they did, anything that they didn't do make you love them any more than you do right now?"

The tears flowed as she said...'oh no, they are perfect'. And I was able to speak to my friends wounded spirit when I said that the FATHER loves her in just that way. He celebrates us. He sees us as his little girl. He delights over us. And there is nothing that we can do or not do that will change that. Nothing. To let that truly seep into the very core of who we are as a person is a very powerful thing. It restores.

I am so glad that I can still crawl up on my daddy's lap. It is a comfort that I never knew in my earthly relationship with my father. BUT as an adult woman....to become HIS child is so sweet.

Sexual Fantasies & Intimacy

Topic: Sexual Intimacy

A woman said: when me and my husband have sex, I have really been trying to NOT fantasize in my head that I am having sex with someone else. I have realized that when I do this it doesn't please God. And it is a really TOUGH thing to do! To stay present in the moment.

Now I gotta unpack this.

I know that for me in my life right now...trying to stay sexually pure is not just a sharing my body kinda thing. It's also a share my mind kinda thing. I gotta keep it pure. It's tough. But I am doing it. I am not reaching for the comfort of emotional sexual fantasies that keep my loneliness and longing in check.

Years ago during my recovery process from the effects of incest, I realized that I was having outrageous sexual fantasies while I was having sex with my husband. It took some time and digging but I realized that what I was doing was avoiding the bare intimacy that came with sharing my body. Sex isn't just a body thing. It is a mind thing. A spirit thing. A soul thing. I was damaged by my abuse on all those levels. Intimacy was damaged when I was incested by my father. It broke and shattered my ability to connect on a soul level. As a result of that I entertained sexual fantasies that included bondage and abuse. That was what my soul (my inner child) had experienced and what I was accustomed to...so I hid myself there. It took some time, but with the help of my counselor and group, I was able to get 'present' and stay 'present'. I cried many many tears thru that healing process. It wasn't the intimacy that I was afraid of and trying to avoid. It was fear. Fear of being hurt. Fear of the exposure of my heart. Blind inner terror. And my mind tried to protect me by engaging my fantasies without me even realizing why or worse yet...that I was further damaging myself.

Luke 17:2 says:

It would be better for him to be thrown into the sea with a millstone tied around his neck than for him to cause one of these little ones to sin.

Let me just add right here that I consider any type of abuse of a child is an act worthy of having a millstone tied around your neck and cast into the sea!!

God in his infinite mercy and for pure love of us created us so amazing adaptable. When abuse occurs our defenses kick in. Fight or flight. For me and my abuse and the intimacy that was provoked by sexual intercouse....my flight defense kicked in. I was 'emotionally' OUT OF THERE!! Thus the sexual fantasies...They allowed me to 'escape'.

For the women that struggle with this form of escape...and it is an escape...I ask you what are you running from? Is it the intimacy and the bareness of the soul? Is it a way to protect that part of you that is still broken? Or is it mirroring the damage that was already done?
Perhaps you trying to get even or punish yourself? Your partner?

Intimacy is something that can only be attained if the walls are knocked down. We have to allow the Holy Spirit to take a sledge hammer or a bull dozer to it. It isn't easy. It hurts. But I know that there is freedom there when we allow the fresh wind to blow thru.

Laying bare all that has been wounded, deformed, broken, tarnished, scarred, is what He desires of us. Then and only then...when we get really honest with ourselves and Him, can He do His thing.

Consume ME....

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Consume is defined as the following:

1. to destroy or expend by use; use up.
2. to eat or drink up; devour.
3. to destroy, as by decomposition or burning: Fire consumed.
4. to spend.
5. to absorb; engross: consumed with curiosity.
6. to undergo destruction; waste away.


ALL AROUND ME.....Father consume!