Tuesday, March 4, 2008

It's What Matters To Begin With

I got my test results Friday. I do not have stomach cancer and all traces of the baterial infection are gone!! Thank you Father for allowing me to lean on you. For your great sustainable hands. I gotta tell y’all that this has been a sobering experience for me. When we are faced with our own mortality most of what we hold or consider important fades in comparison to the current state of our dependance on a higher power and the physical pain of our body. And of course the very next thing we think about is what we would leave behind. Where was my “treasure”. For me it was my kids. My kids are my everything. I am truly-madly-deeply-totally in love with my kids. I remember when they were babies…how I would pray “Lord, watch over them….don’t let anything happen to me, there is no one to take care of them”. Now, my kids are not small anymore. Sarah is an adult and the twins will be 16 in December. What my thoughts were and the heaviness of my heart was in the realization that perhaps I have not prepared them to live without me. The questions in my heart were….”Did I give them all that I could to prepare them for life on thier own??” Did I show them…Did I teach them enough about Jesus? Did I show them the path? Did I lead by example? The strange thing about death is this….When we as parents leave this world to go on to be with our Father and the world he has prepared for us….We leave behind the greatest thing that we are. We leave behind our legacy. Our children. I have wondered what kind of residue will be left behind by the mistakes and the sins of omission I have left my kids. I pray that they will glean much wisdom and insight into life by the mistakes that I have made. Lead by example. Does that mean that I have to be perfect. No. It means that no matter what I am doing, where I am in my walk, or the present state of my heart. I am leading by example. Good, Bad, or Anywhere In Between!! Thank God for grace. Of course, now that I have been given a chance to look at things in retrospect….I have an even greater responsibility to myself and my children. I have only a few short years left before they are truly out of my grasp. I have to make sure that the time I have left to be thier example….I make it a good one. Of course they will see me cry. They will see me celebrate who they are and what they are. They will hear me yell about the bad choices they make and they will hear me pray for them each night. They will see my face full of love for them. They will see tears of pride that I cry for them. And they will know my heart. They will know that when I am gone that they were loved, wanted and adored. And they will know that I was a woman who truly tried to work out my own salvation with fear and trembling. I am always saying “DARE TO THINK FOR YOURSELF”. And my kids do. I don’t always like what they think but I am blessed that they share those thoughts with me. What greater gift for a mom than to know that her kids will share stuff with her that may make her say “”HUH?”" This gives me an opportunity to further share who I am and who He is. My final thought is this: I pray for more. Not more things, more money, more friends, more belongings, more riches. I pray for more time. More memories. More laughter. More moments that capture what this life is about. More time spent with the ones who define who I am on this Earth. Because in the end, that is all that matters to begin with.

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