Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Words And Windex

I have been told that I am wordy. WORDY!! At first this simple little word really bothered me. I took it as a criticism. I felt criticized. To have someone imply that I talk too much. Or use too many words to express myself. Which is what the word “wordy” means to me. That I talk too much. Bla bla bla. I struggled with this criticism for about 3 weeks before I actually processed it out. I stifled what I had to say and didn’t say much at all. I internalized it to mean that somehow I was being a pest. I blogged. And I blogged a lot. A lot of words. And while I did this I realized that my words say much. I write conversation in my head. I write logic. I write my reasons. I string my FEELINGS out in my words. I have many, many feelings. IF I don’t write out those feelings what happens is that they take over my brain. They take over the VERY little logic that I have been blessed with and totally paint a beautiful dysfunctional hue over my reality.The bible says to “take every thought captive”….2 Corinthians 10:5 We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.Has anybody tried this lately. It is not an easy task. What this verse says is “demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God” First in order to do this I must first come to believe and accept and know what the knowledge of God is. The knowledge of God to me is that I have been bought and paid for. That I am created in His image. That I am not junk. That my identity is hidden in Christ. That I am His beloved. I am worth it to Him. I have to come to the knowledge that I am His. His bride. I have to continue to walk in that. I have to choose to walk in that every day. I have to choose to believe and to listen to that still small voice that says that I am loved. That to me is the knowledge of God.And then I have to take the thought captive. This is how my thoughts happen. The data is taken in by my five senses. Sight, Taste, Touch, Sound, Smell. They are processed by the brain and sent to my body. That creates a feeling. Then the feeling is transmitted back to my brain and produces a thought. Somewhere between the pit of my stomach and my brain would be that ideal place to put up a roadblock. Before the feeling wrecks havoc on my brain and creates a reaction. As an Adult Child of a Dysfunctional Home I have many many tapes stored up in this brain of mine. Those feelings that travel back to my brain will pull the tape of the past. The memory of the feeling that is sent back and recalls it. The feelings stroke up the residue of the my past. Thus my reaction. This is where choice surfaces. This is a hard step to take. That whole process from intake to feeling to thought to reaction just takes a millisecond. To slow that whole process down takes a lot of practice. One that I am out of step with. I am catching up and brushing off my skills, but that takes time. I have spent an awful lot of my time reacting lately.Listening to the old tapes. The same old songs playing in my head.I grew up in an environment where my feelings were not valued. I grew up feeling unimportant. I grew up feeling like I was an inconvenience. I grew up feeling that I was not worthy of attention. That I was just not good enough. Not acceptable. So as an adult, I carry those feelings around inside of me. Even if there is a small amount of residue left…the feelings can be devastating. I have gone thru years of therapy. Years of counseling. Years of group to try to clean out the vessel that I am. I have willfully gone thru that process to be emptied out of the things that polluted me as a child and continue to pollute me as an adult and as a follower of Christ. There is still residue. I don’t like it….but it is there. Just like trying to look out a window that has been cleaned with generic window cleaner. There is residue. And streaks. And cloudy places that don’t allow a clear view. There is no clarity.I am praying earnestly that God helps me to wipe those windows clean and clear. I pray that he helps me to not have a distorted view of myself. My friends. My ministry. My value. My worth to Him. It is my residue. Now it is my time to allow Him to transform me from the inside out again. This isn’t always nice and easy. Sometimes it hurts. I hurts to feel and process and change the reaction. It hurts to be honest with others. But that honesty is where the pattern is broken. I have to confront the residue. If I need help with it…I ask. Total healing is a life long process. I am always telling others that I am a “work in progress”. NO LIE THERE!! So here we go ….it’s time to grow again…..Does anyone have any Windex??

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