Tuesday, March 4, 2008


I have often called myself a turtle. Yep a turtle. I love turtles. They are really awesome creatures. Strong. Sturdy. Cute. Slow. Did I say slow? They are determined but SLOW.
The reason that I liken myself to a turtle is because I make my decisions very slowly. It is a process for me. I’m not talking about what to make for dinner kind of stuff. I am talking about major life changing decisions. In my past blogs I have written about my relationship with my boyfriend. It has been a really huge- lengthy- painful- journey.
I have come to the realization that I may not know what God wants me to do right now. But I have been given enough clarity to come to the realization of what God does not want for me. This is what I have come to realize: Turtle Speed Of Course….
1. God doesn’t want me to be used or abused. Of course I would never be in a relationship where I am openly abused. This entails a lot of covert stuff. The covert stuff is harder to figure out when you are in the middle of the storm. Covert stuff like needs, desires, wants, being pushed aside. Not being acknowledged. Being verbally challenged and antagonized for my opinions and thoughts and feelings. Never being validated.
2. God doesn’t want me to be confused. Confused about who I am. Confused about my future. Confused about my parenting.
3. God doesn’t want me to feel bad about me or how I perceive myself. I have lost over 200 lbs I am not going to have the body of a model or even a normal size 12 body! And to have the expectation and open criticism of me by another is a form of abuse. It lowers my self esteem. It damages my perception of my self worth. It cheapens the victory and takes away any celebration of the challenge and the struggle that I have walked thru to just be healthy.
4. God doesn’t want me to be out of balance. Now to a mom…a single mom….working FT and starting my own business. Twin 16 yr olds. Grown daughter still at home. Dog and cat. Serving in ministry. Balance is my goal. I strive for this daily and take a weekly inventory of where I am at. And what I need to tweak to make my life run smoother. But the UN balance comes from my tendency to care take. To make someone else’s life better while my own needs go unmet. To let my needs go unacknowledged and justify the reason that I am given as to why the other person in my life is neglecting me. When my vocabulary has phrases like…”I should” or “I better” then I am out of balance.
Now I have known all of these things for some time now. But like the turtle that I am most like…I tend to live inside my shell at times. Well, I have challenged myself this year to live my life to the fullest. I cannot do that with my head tucked in..it’s hard to see where I’m going that way. I makes hearing a lot more difficult. And I tend to not be as involved in my own life as I should. When my head is tucked in: My life tends to run me….Not me run my life.
I made a trip to Virginia Beach over Memorial Day Weekend. Now, usually when I make my trek to the beach I am seeking answers. I am seeking resolution to problems. I want to hear God speak to me. I always have my heart open and my hands outstretched to God waiting for him to reveal the great mysteries of my life to me. I am seeking direction. My turtle head is completely out of my shell and I am ready for the answers God has. I have always come home disappointed. I have always come home wanting. I have always come home empty. For example, on my previous trip to the beach last Labor Day I made my way to the shore. Hot cup of tea in my travel mug, fuzzy blanket, heart open…”ok Tara this is the last trip to the shore this trip…this has to be it…find your peace”. So I focus on the beach and find my spot to wait on the sand. And while I am walking to that spot, I step on a Skate egg sack and sprayed this horrible foul black oil slick of Skate eggs up my legs and all over my blanket! As I stood there on the beach gagging from the stench emitted and sprayed all over me my brain was screaming…..”NO!! I have to find the peace that I am seeking”!!! So out of complete desperation and frustration standing there stinking and gagging myself I raise my fist to the ocean and to the sky and to my God and tell them all that I will never come back to the beach for answers again!!!! “The next time I come here I will know”…..
And the most amazing thing has happened this year. On this trek to the beach. I came to realize while sitting on that sand at sunset that I had lived up to that Oath spoken out of despair. I realized that I have had my head out of my shell for quite some time now. Taking in life and working it out as I go. There are no great mysteries to figure out. I am working them out every day. I am looking. I am listening. I am praying. And I am being guided by a gentle God in such a way that I am not even aware that He has worked it out for me.
I may still be a turtle. After all God doesn’t make mistakes. But He manages to work around us and the barriers we live in and behind. Even if they are self imposed. What a great God that I serve.

No comments: