Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Rip Cord

I am sitting at my desk at work. Tied around my right wrist is a plain white string. I got this string from an usher as I walked out of church on Sunday morning. The message this week was centered around a conversation between between Moses and God. In short God is speaking to Moses telling him that he has been chosen to lead the Isrealites out of Egypt. Moses is to go to Pharoh and inform Pharoh of this. Moses is also told to go to his people and tell them that God has chosed him for this task as well. Moses simply reacts with shock and disbelief. He tells God, “I don’t speak well” and then finally, “can’t you send someone else?” I have heard this story several times over the years and every time I do I hear something different. THIS time, I recieved a confirmation. God validated me right there on the spot. Let me tell you how….
Most of you know that I have been living in sin with my boyfriend. And you probally know that my boyfriend is a pastor. Oi’!! I have been struggling with this relationship for the past 6-10 months. There is so much to sort out and fix. The relationship has been in trouble. Clearly put. I was in this relationship and given the nature of the relationship, I couldn’t pray for God to fix it or to show me how. Stupid. It would’ve been like “daddy help me fix this toy I shouldn’t have so that I can go play with it and hurt myself” or “Father help me fix this sinful relationship so that I can continue in it”. Stupid. SO I was stuck in it. Not knowing how to change it other than to break it off. Not knowing if I had the courage to do that. This is a relationship that I have believed for years was meant to be. I have loved this man for over a decade even tho we were just best friends. When the friendship blossomed into a relationship I really lost track of what was what spiriutally. So did he. We have both been off kilter for a while both separately and together. We both have personal issues to work thru and both of us have not been reaching toward heaven for the answers. Anyway….Back to the rip cord….
I have been pulled and pushed by the Holy Spirit to get back to church. Get back on track. I believe that God uses circumstances to reach us when we just aren’t listening. He used my cancer scare to get my attention as I wrote before. So, I have been in church every Sunday. I have been praying. I have been reading the Word. I have been seeking his will. So then God has been dealing with me over the relationship with my boyfriend. It was getting to the point where I didn’t even want to go home at night after work. I just couldn’t handle it. I was starting to really hate my life because I knew I had to let the relationship go. I kept trying to hold on. But this week I was finally able to get honest with my boyfriend and myself and my children. I told my boyfriend that he had to leave the house. I didn’t want to live like I was his wife. I was not ready. We were not ready. It was one of the hardest things I can remember doing. Praying for years for this relationship only to have it broken since I got it. After I told him all that stuff he said he didn’t want to have a relationship with me at all. THAT broke my heart. But still I was able to surrender that to my daddy. I cried alot. I knew or prayed that I was doing the right thing. I was scared. So scared. I didn’t want to hurt him either. Remember this guy has been my friend for years and years. So I let it go. I started to make plans. I found a house to move into to. I was given a clean start. My kids were all so supportive. I was also honest with them. I am of the school of thought that we are an example. Whether we want to be or not, we are. So I trusted my God and told my kids that I had to do this becasue it was wrong to live like we were married. They all agreed with me. I was able to use this as a testimony of obedience. Of sacrifice…Here is where the rip cord comes in…..
I was standing in the doorway of the plane waiting to jump. Not knowing where I would land. Not knowing if my parachute would open. Not knowing IF it would open. Hoping God would catch me. Scared that I would just hit the ground and *splat*.
Heres what happened…..
Sunday morning I tied that string around my wrist. I came back home from church and my boyfriend wants to talk to me. He says he will go back to church. He will move out and we will build a relationship the right way. He will get on track with God. He is doing this out of love for me. I am happy with that but not satisfied. He still needs to do it out of love for his Savior and out of obedience. But this is a good first step. God honored me pulling my rip cord! He didn’t let me fall. He not only held me on the way down to the ground but he is allowing me to enjoy the journery. I am amazed at his ability to still blow me away with his faithfulness. He floated me down to the ground and his is directing my path.
So here is what I have to say about all this….He is faithful. Time and again He has shown me this. He has never let me down. He never asks me for anything that he doesn’t give me the strength to do. What an amazing God…..That he allows us to step out of that plane and he lets us pull our own rip cord. Then he leads us down the rest of the way. Wow!!

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